No Tomorrow

It’s just taking way longer than I had hoped.

“Are you all right, Blue?”

“I’m tired, and my throat hurts, that’s all. And I wish I was in our bed and not this hotel. I’ve got two places to live and I still feel homeless. The irony of my life is a scream.”

“Don’t say that.”

“It’s true. All I want is to be home with you. I wake up every night reaching for you, and when I realize you’re not here, I lose my mind. I miss making you pancakes and I miss your giggles and your sexy little moans. Living like this is fucking painful and I don’t even know why I’m doing this anymore.”

“Because you were born to sing and bring music into the world. And that world loves you.”

“Well I’m not loving the world. I love you and my daughter and those fuzzy creatures that get to sleep with my girl every night in my bed.”

I’d give anything to have him in our bed right now. I need him to be here, in person, so I can look into his beautiful blue eyes and say all the things I’ve been waiting to say for weeks.

“Hopefully you’ll be here soon and you can rest and recharge. I think you’re just overtired.” Every time the band travels overseas he gets agitated and depressed. I think the time difference and the erratic sleep patterns really mess with him and stress him out.

He coughs again, and the snap of his lighter follows. My heart sinks when I hear him inhale. Two months ago he quit smoking cigarettes. I’d bet anything the stress of this tour is what caused him to start up again.

“Ya know what, babe? I think I just want to be done.”

My heart jolts. “What do you mean, done?”

“With the band. It’s like a vampire, just bleeding me dry and I don’t have anything left to give. I’m so fucking tired. I love to write and play but I’m not even doing that anymore. I’m like a robot half the time. The only time I love what I’m playing is when I play for you.”

“Are you saying you want to quit the band?”

He inhales, pauses, exhales smoke.

“Yeah. I think I am.”

“You’re really going to have to think about that,” I say. I can’t deny I’d love having him home all the time and not being pulled in eighty directions all over the world, but he is No Tomorrow. There’s no way they could replace him. His voice is too unique, his presence too charismatic. I don’t think the fans would ever accept someone else in his place. It just wouldn’t work.

But I also don’t think the rest of the band is going to let him go without a huge fight. While Reece has expressed getting tired of it all as well, the other band members and their manager are loving the fame and fortune. They can’t get enough of it.

“I’ve been thinking about it for a while. I’m just so fucking tired I hurt, Piper. I can’t even explain it. I just want you in my arms every night, listening to the rain. That’s it.”

“I want that too,” I say faintly. I’m almost afraid to verbalize the words for fear it’ll jinx any chance of it ever happening.

“What are you doing now?” I ask, unsure if it’s morning, noon, or night where he is.

“Just hanging out in my room. I wanted to take a nap before I have to head out but I can’t get my brain to turn off. I miss you too much.”

I reach for the sound machine next to the bed and pull it closer to me. I switch it to the rain setting and put the phone on speaker.

“I want you to get in bed, get all comfy, and listen to this. I’m going to be right here in bed with you. Just close your eyes, think about us, and the rain, and nothing else. Okay?”

The sound of sheets rustling and the creak of a mattress lets me know he’s getting into his bed.

A deep sigh comes over the line. “You’re amazing, Ladybug. You know that? I don’t know what I’d do if you didn’t love me.”

I smile in the dark, and the pressure in my chest eases up just a little.

“You don’t ever have to worry about that. My heart doesn’t beat without yours.”

I stay on the phone listening to his breathing, and after a few minutes I can tell he’s fallen asleep. I keep the phone and the rain station on his pillow next to mine, and I drift off to sleep, too.

I dream that he’s home, and he wraps me up in his arms and I’m finally able to tell him we’re having a baby.

Chapter Forty-Four

I call her cell phone for what must be the fiftieth time.