No Tomorrow

He nods. “Yeah. Really. I talked to Reece about it and he feels the same. He doesn’t want to do it anymore.”

“Are you kidding?” I certainly didn’t think Reece would be willing to walk.

“He’s got a lot going on. His ex has relinquished custody of their kid.”

“Relinquished custody?” I repeat. “What does that even mean? She’s the mother.”

He shrugs. “She doesn’t want to be any more, I guess. Something’s going on. I don’t ask questions, ya know? But he’s all fucked up over it and he doesn’t want someone else raising his kid.”

“I don’t blame him.” What kind of mother doesn’t want her own child? My heart feels sick just thinking about it.

“When we all meet up in Seattle we’re going to talk to our manager and the guys and figure something out. I don’t want to talk about all that shit now or I’ll get a fuckin’ headache.”

“Okay. We don’t have to talk about it. I just want you to be happy. That’s all I care about.”

He looks at me like I’m a big shiny object that holds the secret to world peace.

“I know, Ladybug. I’ve always known that. And it fucking kills me that I hurt you so much, and I missed so much of Lyric’s life, and I wasn’t here when you got pregnant or when you lost the baby, and you were here all the fuck alone and couldn’t find me because I can’t even be responsible enough to keep my fucking phone charged. How am I supposed to live with that?” His self-loathing is so strong he’s literally shaking and grinding his teeth.

I take his ice cream out of his hands and put both our dishes on the small table next to us.

“Blue,” I say softly. “None of this is your fault. You never hurt me on purpose. I know you’re… different and complicated.” He shakes his head and won’t meet my eyes but I don’t let that deter me from talking. “I love you more than anything in the world. I knew when we got back together that I would have to share you with millions of people. I knew right from the beginning, way back years ago, that we would never have a normal relationship. And you were always honest about that. But that never stopped me from loving you, or from wanting to spend my life with you. Even when things have been a mess, even when I’m scared, even when I don’t know what the heck is going on with you, I still can’t imagine my life without you.”

He looks up toward the sky and screws his eye shut. He lets out a deep breath and clenches his fingers into fists.

“Tonight I wanted to take care of you. I wanted to feed you ice cream and see your smile. Then I wanted to take you to be bed and kiss every inch of you until you fell asleep and I wanted to hug you all night and make sure you knew how much I love you and care about you and appreciate you. I just wanted to give you some kind of happiness and security and instead you’re worried about me. You’re always worried about me.”

“Because I love you.”

“I don’t want to be dead weight to you anymore. I want to be there for you like you’ve always been there for me. I don’t want to be the fucked-up, lost mess anymore who lets you down every fucking time. I don’t want you to wake up someday and wish you had someone better. That’s what I thought when I couldn’t find you. I was like finally, she came to her senses and left my fucked-up ass.”

My chest clenches from his words and the negative way he sees himself. I rub my hand up his arm, gently squeezing his bicep.

“I can promise you that will never happen. You’re not a fucked-up mess and there’s no one better for me than you. Leaving you has never once even entered my mind. Nobody ever said love had to be easy and perfect, Blue. It just has to be real, and honest, and able to weather the storm. We have that. Anything else, we can work on together.”

He kisses me, then picks me up and carries me to the bedroom, where he does everything he said he wanted to do. I’m smothered with kisses and soft caresses and lulled with whispers and promises. I wish he truly knew just how special and loved he has always made me feel.

Chapter Forty-Nine

I’ve never been faced with so many decisions at once in my life. I’ve made lists of pros and cons. I’ve talked to Ditra until her eyes glazed over and rolled back in her head.

Blue and Reece have already put the wheels in motion to leave the band. That discussion took almost two months of fighting, negotiating, and debating with the other band members, their manager, and their record label for them to finally come to an agreement. They agreed they would finish out the few tour dates they had left for the year, and then No Tomorrow would dissolve. Blue and Reece would not be replaced. The guys, however, are open to working together again sometime in the future for a reunion.