No Tomorrow

“I love you,” I say softly.

He holds me with his free arm. “I love you too, baby. Thank you for doing this with me. I wasn’t planning on coming here, but I’m glad we did.”

On our way back to the hotel we stop for ice cream cones in the park and sit at our usual table. Our little traditions mean the world to me and one of the things I love most about him is how he never forgets about them.

He’s quiet for the rest of the afternoon, and I start to worry that visiting the house wasn’t a good idea, after all. Perhaps it held too many bad memories that are now gnawing away at him. Later, over dinner in the hotel restaurant, we talk mostly about Lyric and things going on in my life, but he still seems a bit more distracted and subdued than he did earlier. I wonder if it’s an effect of the medication.

“Are you okay?” I finally ask him when we’re back in our room. “You seem quiet.”

Sitting on the bed, he bends down and pulls off his work boots while I step out of my black heels.

“Yeah… I’m just thinking about something.”

Worried, I move to stand in front of him and gently run my fingers through his hair.

“Do you want to talk about it?” I ask softly.

Wrapping his hands around my waist, he leans forward to kiss the spot between my breasts.

“I’m thinking about the house.”

“Maybe we shouldn’t have gone in there. Did it bother you?”

“I wasn’t sure how I’d feel, but actually it didn’t bother me. I just feel bad the place has gone to hell, just sitting like that. It belonged to my grandparents, did I tell you that?”

“No, I didn’t know that.”

“They died before I was born, but my mother told me she grew up there. My grandfather had it built for my grandmother as a wedding gift.”

“Wow. That’s quite a gift. It’s a beautiful house.”

“It could be,” he says. “When I left the hospital, my doctor told me to ‘go home and start your new life’ and I realized I didn’t even have a home.” He pulls me down as he talks, until I’m sitting on his lap. “Reece moved out of the house in Seattle, and we were never there enough for it to feel like home, anyway. It was basically just a hub. And your place is nice but it’s kind of a reminder that I was a fuckup for so long that you and my kid had to buy a house alone. It’s weird. For the first time I want a real home.”

It’s funny that I wondered the very same thing about where he would want to go when he left the band, and then, where he would go when he left the facility. It’s something we never talked about, even when we were discussing wedding plans.

“I think I want to completely remodel the house and live there,” he says. “But I want you and Lyric and Mickey and Archie there, too. I don’t want to live there alone. I think that house has had too much loneliness.” When I don’t say something right away, he continues to talk nervously. “It’ll be like a brand-new house when it’s done, not like it is now. We could pick out everything we wanted and make it ours.”

My brain starts to twirl like a whirlwind with the unexpectedness of this conversation. I assumed he might want to keep some distance between us for a while to give himself time to think since he just got out of the hospital. I wasn’t looking forward to that, but I was prepared for it.

I definitely wasn’t prepared for him to be talking about moving in together.

“Evan….” I’m overwhelmed with all the things I want to say.

“Shit. It’s too soon, right?” He plops me down on the bed next to him before he stands and crosses the room to stare out the window. “I fucked it all up again. Us. Our trust. Everyfuckingthing. You need time to figure it all out.”

I walk over to him and hug him from behind, and he covers my hands with his over his chest.

“All those years you were waiting for me?” His voice is so low I can barely hear him. “I was waiting, too. I always wanted everything with you, I just kept tripping over myself and fucking it all up. But I want it all. I want to marry you and have another baby.”

My heart wrenches at the thought that this sweet, vulnerable side of him has been buried under all his demons for years, trying to get out and be happy.

“You didn’t fuck it all up. I think things happened the way they were supposed to happen. And in case you didn’t notice…” I turn him around to face me. “I’m right here with you, and I still want all those things with you, too.”