No Tomorrow

They don’t know he agonizes over every note and every lyric. They don’t know how I listened and watched him with worry and love.

They don’t know about ladybug myths and rain.

I do.

Tears well up in my eyes and my vision of him on stage shimmies, as if he’s in an ocean of tears.

He lights up a cigarette with casual finesse as if hundreds of people aren’t sitting here waiting for him. Not to mention I’m pretty sure smoking is prohibited in here. But when has he ever followed rules? Settling the guitar on his thigh, he leans forward slightly to adjust the mic, and I catch a glimpse of feathery blue in his wavy hair, and my mind and heart are transformed back in time again. When he was mine and I was his and all these movements and mannerisms were as comforting and familiar to me as an old childhood teddy bear.

Why did he leave me? Why has he chosen this life full of strangers to play for when he could be playing for me in all our special places, making me breathless like only he can?

“Are you okay?” Ditra whispers in my ear.

I nod, unable to look away from the man on the stage who’s still got my heart in a vice, afraid I’ll miss something—a smile or a glance my way. I wonder if he would just lift his head, not hide behind the hair falling across his face… if he would just look out at the crowd, would he notice me? Would our eyes lock like they did way back when in the park when we just clicked? Would he feel the wave of memories course through his veins like I am? The undeniable pull of fate? Would he miss my kiss and my touch—would he miss me—so much that he’ll want to grab my hand and run?

I’d go. I’d sprint out of here with him without a second thought and run anywhere just to be with him again.

“Somehow he’s even hotter, isn’t he?” Ditra observes, breaking into my thoughts. “I guess he can afford to eat now. He’s got some meat on him.”

I noticed. I’m noticing everything.

I want to smack my best friend for also noticing and for pointing it out, because that means every other female in the room must be noticing and I don’t want them to. I want Blue to be mine and only mine to look at.

But without introduction or warning, Blue’s gravelly, tortured tone is filling the room:

We-eeeeeee loved until it hurt,

and we-eeeee, we broke each other’s hearts.

Believe me-eeee, every word I ever said,

It was all I had, all I ever had to give.

And I know, baby, I know, you shoulda had

So much more.

So much more….

The lyrics, so seductive in their sadness, come to life on his lips and in his half-closed eyes. Blue has always sung as if the words were being torn right out of his soul and I’m relieved to see that neither time nor fame has changed that.

I’ve never witnessed such an intimate concert, not in person or on television. The stillness of the crowd speaks volumes of their respect and love for the band. We’re all mesmerized, savoring every note and every word, waiting until the end of each song to clap and whistle in appreciation.

At the end of the third song, Blue finally looks at the crowd as if he’s just realized we’re here, and flashes a crooked, shy smile that I’m quite sure melted the hearts of every female in the room.

Me included.

“Thanks for being here with us tonight. We’re honored to play so close to where we all grew up.” He takes a sip from a glass that’s sitting on the floor next to his stool.

Didn’t he grow up in New Jersey? Hm. Maybe to him that’s close?

The crowd claps softly.

“Once upon a time, I left my heart in New England,” he continues, and my heart nearly leaps into my throat. Is he referring to me? Some other woman? Acorn, perhaps? “And I ain’t never been the same.”

He glances at Reece to his left, and they sing together in perfect synchrony.

Bloodstained tears, an angel without wings

Bury me in words, and steal my breath

Drag me from the depths of my tor-mented mind

Forget what I said, I’ve lost myself, I’ve lost my way

I walked so far but went nowhere in these shoes

I know nothing at all, but I once knew you

And, maybe, for a moment, you knew me too.

By the end of the concert, I’m a twisted mess of awe, heartache, and pride. Even if I had never known Blue personally, I would leave this theater feeling touched, forever changed by the band’s talent, their obvious camaraderie, and Blue’s charismatic stage presence. Tonight would be a memory I would cherish forever as something rare and special, as I’m sure most of the people surrounding me feel as well.