Rebel Hearts

* * *

They say where there’s a will, there’s a way, but the truth is all the will and prayer and hope in the world can’t make all the wrong things right or heal people who are too broken to get better.

For the next week, the Alexander-Cooney family hunkers down and hopes and prays while Caitlin continues to cling to life by her fingertips and the baby loses precious ounces as she labors for every breath. My brothers and I sleep in shifts and make sure one of us is always at the hospital with Gabe. We’re afraid what he might do if Caitlin dies and he’s alone. We don’t speak the fear aloud, but all of us are thinking the same thing.

I know deep down Gabe doesn’t want to make his daughter an orphan, but he’s not thinking clearly. He’s lost in his pain and grief and something in my gut tells me he’s not coming back from that dark place without Caitlin by his side.

On day six, I bring Gabe a sandwich from across the street and step out onto the balcony outside the waiting room to call Sam’s dad for the twelfth time since the plane landed. I don’t expect him to answer my call—I’ve gotten the hint that I’m being frozen out for some reason—so when he picks up on the second ring, I’m so surprised I stammer my hello.

“H-hi Mr. Collins. It’s Danny. I was hoping you’ve heard from Sam.”

“I’m in L.A. with her right now,” he says in a thick voice. “She’s in with the prosecuting attorney, preparing for the trial.”

“So she’s okay?” I ask. “I mean, she’s holding up? And she’s not in trouble with the police?”

“No,” Mr. Collins says softly. “She’s not in trouble. I think everyone understood why she didn’t want to put herself through this.”

“Do you think I can talk to her?” I ask, aching for Sam, wishing I could be in two places at once. “Does she have a new cell I could call?”

“She does, but she asked me not to give you the number, Danny.”

I squeeze my eyes shut as my heart writhes miserably in my chest. “Please, Mr. Collins. I know I was an asshole to Sam the last night we were together, but I just want to apologize. My sister is really sick so I had to go back home to help out, but I want to be there for Sam. I plan to come as soon as things are okay with Caitlin and the baby.”

If things are ever okay, if I don’t end up staying here to raise a newborn after Caitlin dies and Gabe falls apart.

Mr. Collins sighs, a wounded sound that echoes the way I feel. “Son, I don’t think that’s a good idea. Sam doesn’t want you here and…I’m honestly not sure you could handle it. It’s almost killing me and I…” He pulls in another breath and when he speaks again, his voice is shaking. “I’m just the dad.”

I try to swallow, but my throat is too tight. All of a sudden that ghost of a suspicion that’s been drifting back and forth in my brain, haunting my subconscious, begins to crawl into my conscious mind. But I don’t want that suspicion to be founded. I want to be wrong so badly I can’t even bring myself to ask the question.

“I’ve got to go,” Mr. Collins says. “Sam’s on her way. Just respect her wishes, Danny. The last thing my daughter needs right now is more stress.”

He hangs up before I can say another word. I stand staring at the phone, sweating in the increasingly warm summer day, feeling like I’m about to have a heart attack. Every muscle in my body is clenched and my ribs are doing their best to crush my heart into juice inside my chest. My pulse is racing and my hands begin to shake so hard I have to try three times before I can type “Sterling University rape scandal” into the search window without half a dozen typos.

There hasn’t been time since I got back to jump online or watch the news. We’ve all been in survival mode, so focused on Caitlin and the baby that the rest of the world has faded into the background. But that world hasn’t stopped moving, and there are six new links to articles reporting developments in the case. I open the first one and start to read.

By the second paragraph, I’m slamming my fist into the stone wall of the balcony hard enough to shatter three bones in my hand, but it’s not the physical pain that makes me cry out loud enough to bring security rushing out onto the balcony.

* * *

They say that God doesn’t give you more than you can handle and that the best things in life are free.