Breaking Perfect

“Why has he always had this hold over you? Did you once look at him with pride when he pushed your mother around? Had he ever done anything that impressed you? He wanted an emulation of himself! You hated who he was, but tried to please him anyway. Why? So some dickhead could give you an atta’boy, son! And forget about you in the next minute?

“Big fucking man you were. How did it feel to sit back with dear old dad and not have the balls to tell him what a prick he was when he ridiculed someone smaller than him? Did it make you feel good to stand with the bully rather than stand up to him and maybe be a hero?

“I loved you, Sean. I gave you everything I had to offer and you passed it by for nothing. When he rode your ass about never having a functional relationship I bet you pretended he was right rather than chance him discovering the truth. All those times you could’ve told him just how wrong he was, just how little he truly knew you, but did you? Nope, because that would be admitting you fucked another man and that’s pansy shit.”

A hidden part of Sean’s soul quivered deep within his gut. He could almost see the torn corduroys and sloppy sneakers he wore as a boy, feel the shame and anger that filled his tiny chest when his father would spend hours putting him down. He hated that boy. He would never be that weak again.

“Fuck you.”

“Ah, but you already did,” Mase sneered. “You fucked me for years and I let you. I trusted you and loved you without condition and I never once threw your faults back in your face.” He turned and looked toward the ceiling. “Yet you still walked away. I surrendered heart and soul to you and gladly accepted all of your flaws, because, to me, your imperfections made you human. I wanted to show you the man I saw, give you the confidence he tore from you like strips of flesh. I was always proud of you, but I wanted you to be proud of yourself. Why did I do that, Sean? Why did I build you up so that you could just walk away? I never for one moment actually believed your shame could outweigh our love.”

“Mason, please…” He didn’t want to hear anymore.

“Please what? Let’s talk about it. Your dad’s dead so let’s finally get it all out in the open.”

“I don’t want to do this.”

“Do what? Admit that you’re a pussy or admit that your father didn’t have a clue when it came to people or love? Which is it, Sean? Was dear old Dad right? Are you just a pansy ass little girl—”

“Fuck you!”

“Big words for a little girl.”

Sean had never seen Mason act like this. Why was he doing this? He trusted him with the stories of his past, confided in him during their most vulnerable moments. And now he was mimicking his father’s words and forcing Sean into a place he never wanted to return to. Fuck him for using those memories as ammunition now.

“Come on, Sean, let’s hear it. Could you possibly place more value in the opinion of a man who beat your mother than you could in your own views? Are you that lost that you can’t see how wrong he was? He made you miserable. He was never going to change. If you would’ve married a woman he would’ve called her a good for nothing cow same as if you would’ve stayed with me he would’ve called you a faggot. What difference does it make how you appear in the eyes of a man like that? He wasn’t even a man. A man doesn’t bully women and children to make himself feel big. It’s what’s in here that defines the man,” Mason said, thrusting his thumb at his chest. “When are you going to climb out of his shadow and embrace what you really are, a man nothing like the asshole that raised you?”

Sean’s chest was too tight. His eyes blinked quickly as he continuously swallowed a knot that formed in his throat. “It’s not that easy.”

“Why does it have to be so difficult?”

“You don’t understand. What you have here with Liberty, I’ve never had anything like that. That kind of security—”

“That’s because you never let yourself have it! It takes faith, Sean, faith in something you don’t get a written guarantee on. You have to learn to trust the people that love you to catch you when you fall, to pick you up when you’re down and accept you at your worst. Let go of the fear. We aren’t him and neither are you. Don’t let him control you from the grave. He’s gone. His words can’t hurt you anymore. They meant nothing then and they mean even less now. He couldn’t love you because he was broken. There was never anything wrong with you. Believe me. You’re easy to love.”