Not Yet

Liam walks over and hands me my bag. Just then the bell rings and first lunch is over. Ali’s got second lunch, so she stays seated. But her eyes are on me as I walk past her table.

“Check your phone,” I say as I pass and she nods and looks away.

Liam walks silently beside me until we are out of the cafeteria and in the quad.

“You want to tell me what that was about?”

“No,” I answer as I take out my cell and send a text to Ali.

Me: Watch yourself with Eric. He’s just using you.

“Drake,” Liam snaps, and I’m surprised because he doesn’t normally raise his voice.

“What?” I snap back, still pushing for a fight after what happened.

“What’s going on with you?” He stops in the middle of the grassy lawn and looks at me expectantly.

My phone vibrates and it’s a text from Ali.

Ali: I think I can take care of myself.

I squeeze my phone in frustration and then rub my eyes.

“I don’t know. I’m just stressed.” I shove my phone back in my jeans before I text back something I’ll regret. “I’ve got a lot on my shoulders with this Homecoming game and what it means for my future. And on top of it I’ve got to worry about someone coming at my sister just to fuck with me.”

“You know I like Lindsey, right?” His eyes are earnest, eager for me to believe him, and although I had a lapse in self-control, Liam wouldn’t do that to me. Try and hook up with my sister. Stepsister, I mentally correct.

“Yeah I know,” I sigh.

He nods and starts to walk again.

The sun shining outside is a slap in the face for my mood. It should be rainy and cold because that’s how I’m feeling. I thought inviting Ali to ride with me to the Homecoming dance would eliminate all the bullshit about dates and dances, but it’s just put more pressure on it. I’m all messed up inside and I don’t want to think about it; I don’t have time to think about it.

When we get to class I sit in the back with Liam by my side. I take a second to let the teacher start the lecture before I take out my phone.

Me: Sorry about earlier.

I hit send and wait, not knowing if she’s going to read it before her next class. I’m not sorry about what I said, but I could tell I scared her and I fucking hated seeing that look on her face.

Ali: It’s okay. I’m not a fan of Eric either.

Relief like I never expected fills my chest and I sit back and take a breath. Suddenly the knot inside me is loosened and all from a few simple words.

Me: Liam is riding with me to the Homecoming dance.

I may have known that he wasn’t interested in Ali, but hearing him say it made me feel a little less petty. I’m also willing to give up more information now that I know she’s probably asking for Lindsey.

Ali: Aren’t you supposed to be in econ?

A smile tugs at the corner of my lips.

Me: Were all three of those fries for you?

Ali: Yup. Jealous?

For a fraction of a second I remember what it was like to play with her. To laugh and have fun and not worry about social groups at school and who’s dating whom. In these texts I picture the smile she had the day she got her braces off and how she ate so many ribs that night she could hardly walk. All of the best memories from my life are spent with her, and these past couple of years in high school have pushed a wedge between us.

Me: Yeah. I didn’t get to eat.

Ali: I heard the Blonde Brigade doesn’t allow food at the table anyway.

Me: Let’s ditch fourth and go to Joe’s.

I don’t know why I send the text, but as soon as I do I worry that I shouldn’t have. We used to go to Joe’s on Fridays after little league and get ice cream and hot dogs. It’s still one of Ali’s favorites.

Ali: I can’t.

Me: K

I send the quick response and angrily shove my phone in my backpack. My sudden surge of nostalgia made me forget that we’re just too different to be like we used to be. My phone vibrates but I ignore it as Mrs. Lance keeps droning on.

At least I tried, but it’s better to just keep my distance. In a few short weeks I’ll be far away from here. From her. The thought makes my insides ache more than before and I have to focus on something else.

There’s a dark part of me that hurts and it’s the reason I lash out. It stirs inside me like an angry beast and I’m afraid if I call on it then it will consume me. I know exactly why I keep my distance from Ali, and it’s a shame that I carry with me every day.