Jenny (Babysitter's Club 5)

I almost think I knew what she was going to say before she said it, dreaded it even. “That girl, Jenny, let’s see if she’s available.”

“Why would she be? Half the neighborhood is going to be there at the party, and she’s like the resident babysitter, wouldn’t someone else have hired her already for the night?”

With that wild look in her eyes, she looked through her phone for the number. A number I would’ve sworn she’d have already gotten rid of. I listened with bated breath to her side of the conversation and my heart sank at the smile on her face and her gushing voice as she thanked the young girl.

I felt something cold and nasty slither into my gut. I don’t know why exactly, it’s not like I’d done anything wrong. But still I felt guilt. Guilt because somewhere in the last few weeks I remembered who Jenny was. I remember my wife asking if we’d ever met and me telling her no.

But my guilt stems more from the fact that I did not tell her that I did in fact remember her. Maybe I could’ve laughed off the silly crush the girl had on me as a child. But I didn’t say a word. For days I wondered about that, why didn’t I just tell Lauren about that innocent time?

Had Jenny been more ugly duckling than beautiful swan, the decision would’ve been an easy one, no threat, nothing to worry about. But she isn’t, she’s gorgeous, smart, rich and from all appearances and to hear the neighbors tell it, damn near ready for sainthood.

So why didn’t she tell me who she was? Why had she sat in my living room for almost an hour with that look on her face? And why didn’t I just tell my wife that I remembered who she was?

Jenny

I hung up the phone with Mrs. Masters and went in search of my mother to give her the news that I would not be attending the party at the country club after all. She didn’t make much of a fuss since I never really wanted to attend in the first place. The country club is just not my thing; parties period come to think of it.

Back in my room, I replayed the conversation in my head, especially the part where Lauren said she was happy she hadn’t taken her husband’s advice and not called because he was sure I was already booked for the night.

As it happens, the reason I wasn’t booked is because I was supposed to be going to the party, something all the families I sat for who would be in attendance already knew beforehand and had made other arrangements.

I didn’t think of the danger of wading back into those murky waters before I had fully decided which of those roads I was going to take. I was going purely on feeling, on that age-old human trait of self-gratification. In other words, I was putting my own wants in front of others’.

By calling me, she had opened a door that I had thought her jealousy had closed. It was like opening just a small crack in a window and letting a slither of light come in. I don’t know why or where this was going, but I knew there was something at work here that wasn’t quite through with him or me yet.

I did not outwardly show my thoughts. No one saw the quivering inside, the unbridled excitement that burned just beneath the surface. I was going to see him again. All the silly things I’d told myself in these last few weeks disintegrated like wet ash.

The sun came out from behind the clouds, and a joy that I had not known had been missing reawakened in me once again. I had to temper myself I couldn’t risk giving away my true feelings. They were all now part of my little experiment, whether they knew it or not.

Like bugs under a microscope, I will watch how everyone reacts in this new phase of this ongoing saga that started when I was eight years old. I wonder if it’s from my grandfather the world-renowned scientist that I’d gotten my penchant for studying others like rats in a lab.

I had moments where I questioned my sanity when I asked myself why it was that I could not let go. Why, after all these years, I still feel this attachment, this invisible string that binds us together, Derrick and I?

In those moments, I am very clear about the facts. The fact that he’s a happily married man with two adorable little girls. The fact that I am not a homewrecker and have no want to be. I feel at those times that I am playing with fire, like a moth to a flame I am still drawn to him, to his life.