Hundreds (Dollar 3)

His eyes softened as his thumb whispered over my cheek. “But we’ll never know if what we feel could’ve been anything more than lust. Because you’re damaged, and I have no right to damage you further. I went against my promises last night. I hurt you. And what I want from you…it’s too much to ask. I can’t do this anymore. I’m going to do the right thing and set you free.”

Wait…what?

I froze, staring past his confession, trying to see if he was serious.

I—

I didn’t know how I felt about that.

Just like yesterday when he’d taken me, I needed his support to keep me in one piece. He shattered me but held me together in equal measures. My nemesis and saviour.

He couldn’t give me something so painful and pleasurable and then say he was getting rid of me.

Anger bubbled. I pushed at his hands, forcing him to let me go. “So now you’ve been inside me you have no more time for me, is that it?”

His eyes widened. “What? No! Of course not. I want—”

“You want to get rid of me to remove any evidence of losing control.”

“That’s not it at all—”

My throat burned, but I hissed through my pain, “Do what you want. Get rid of me. See if I care.” I fought my sudden trembling. “But know this. I didn’t run or hide from you today. I could’ve barricaded myself in my room for what you did and the way you made me feel. I could’ve jumped overboard to be free of everything. But I didn’t.”

I swallowed, lubricating my throat, checking in with my tongue to ensure my tirade was doable after years of silence.

Elder opened his mouth to interrupt, but I growled, “I’m standing here because I’m strong enough to discuss what happened between us. I’m brave enough to kiss you knowing what happened last time.”

I jabbed a finger in his chest. “You might call me damaged, but how could I do those things if I was still the same girl you carried from that white dungeon? I thought you were willing to help me through this. That whatever reasons you stole me was just the beginning. You knew how screwed up I was, yet you gave me a purpose to fight.” My lips curled. “And now I’m ready to fight, to talk, to argue, to stand up to you, and you don’t want me?” I laughed coldly. “You aren’t the man I thought you were. You’re a coward.”

He backed away, his face resembling concrete cracking with an earthquake. “You’re right that you don’t know me. That’s why I’m giving you your freedom.”

“I know enough.” I looked him up and down. “You’re afraid of me.”

His hands twitched by his sides. “Wrong.”

“You’re afraid of what you’ll do to me.”

“Yes, fucking terrified.”

His admission quietened me for a second.

He leapt into the silence, tearing it up with his own argument. “You think now I’ve had you—the brief moment I was inside you—I’ve conquered whatever I need and can toss you aside as if you mean nothing?” His teeth bared. “Fuck, Pim. It’s the opposite. Now that I’ve felt you, I need you so goddamn much my joints hurt because of it. My heart hurts. My body hurts. Everything fucking hurts. Being this close to you is torture because all I want to do is bend you over the railing and fuck you.”

He groaned long and low as explicit images filled his head and mine. “I want to smother you with my body and thrust inside you. I want to do such things to you. Things you aren’t and will never be ready for. It’s because of that that I’m going to let you go. Don’t you dare say I’m scared of you. I’m not.” He sucked in a breath. “I’m scared of myself.”

Couldn’t he see I knew bad people, and he wasn’t bad? He carried his fair share of sins, but beneath that he was redeemable. “What if I don’t want to go?”

He breathed hard. “What?”

The question mimicked mine.

What am I saying?

All this time, I’d searched frantically for a way to be free, to return home and do my best to find a normal existence. But that was before Elder showed me I could never be Tasmin again. I could be a newer version of her, but I could never be the teenage girl who believed in fantasies of safety. I would go home…eventually. When I was untangled and repaired.

But not yet.

He could sell you to another.

No, I didn’t believe that. He could never be so callous after everything he’d just said. I’d thought he would trade me to another master a week ago, but that was before I truly started to listen. To see.

I lowered my voice, but it didn’t stop the desire for him to understand throbbing in every vowel. “You keep saying you’re thinking of my benefit. That letting me go is for my safety from you.” I stepped into his space. “I say it’s for your benefit. You’re the one who has more to lose by keeping me.”