Thousands (Dollar 4)

My voice turned small. “All I wanted was some small sign she loved me, and a lot of those childish insecurities would’ve gone away.”

“We all love in our own ways, Pim.” His voice was deep and rich, entirely mollifying while, at the same time, not doing anything to mollify my nerves. “You need to forgive yourself for thinking such things, just like you need to forgive her for making you feel that way.”

Pushing me out of his embrace, he nudged my chin with his knuckles. “I’ll come with you. If you want me.”

My eyes trailed to the squat, bristling-in-barbwire building behind him. How was I supposed to go in there? How was I supposed to speak to her after so much had happened to both of us?

“Pim…”

Forcing myself to look at him, I waited for whatever he wanted to say.

His eyes tightened, the stress lines around his mouth deepening. “When she called me back, and I told her about you…” He trailed off, tucking wind-whipped hair behind my ear and smiling with love born from being denied his own mother’s affection. “She broke. I’ve never heard someone’s voice turn from guarded to distraught so quickly. All she wanted to know was if you were okay. She didn’t ask anything else. Just were you okay. And then she begged me to bring you to her. I couldn’t refuse.”

I wanted so much to believe this would be easy. That she would forgive me and I’d forgive her, and we’d somehow fall into a relationship we’d never had, but all I could visualize was her lack of cuddles and abundance of coldness, and once again, I was flooded with fear that I was broken. That I was only capable of hating her when all I’d ever wanted was to love and be loved by her.

I’m a horrible, horrible person.

Even now, even knowing what she’d done, I still couldn’t let go of the pain of my childhood.

Something nasty entered my brain. Something totally out of character but I had to spit it out to prevent it from corroding me. “You couldn’t refuse. But I can. I don’t have to go in there if I don’t want to. I don’t have to do anything I don’t want to again.”

“That’s true. You’ve been made to do enough bad things.” His commiseration turned to scolding. “But could you be that person? After everything you know? Now you know the truth about how she searched and killed for you?” He shook his head proudly and sadly. “I still have so much to learn about you, Pimlico, but I already know you aren’t capable of doing that. You’re too pure.”

I shot him a sharp look.

In one moment, he made me sound like an angel and the next, an ungrateful brat—something my mother had called me many times in my past. If anything, that reminder helped me stand taller; to shoulder my responsibility while figuring out hers.

If I didn’t visit, I would be proving her right by calling me an ungrateful brat. If I didn’t see her, I would forever hate myself for being so weak and heartless.

I was eternally grateful to her even though we’d never been mother and daughter. Her love had come from a complicated place and landed her in hell.

Even though it tangled me up inside, Elder was right.

I couldn’t refuse because I wasn’t that person.

I wasn’t selfish.

I wasn’t cruel.

I’m better than this.

My mother was my mother.

I was her daughter.

For better or for worse.

I was a Blythe.

Chapter Twenty-Five

______________________________

Elder

IF SOMEONE HAD asked me what my ultimate dream was, I would’ve said a reunion.

A forgiveness.

A ceremony turning me from No One into someone again and being welcomed back into my family.

I knew that would never happen for me, but to be lucky enough to witness such a reunion and not have it be my own was bittersweet. But then again, it was somehow even better as it was for someone I loved more than myself.

It was someone who deserved it more than I did.

And someone I would stand beside for as long as she wanted me.

For the past twenty minutes, I’d remained steadfast by Pim, helping fill in the visitor forms, answering guards when she turned mute, and touching the small of her back as we were guided from entrance to belly of such a dismal place.

I’d meant what I said outside. I was eternally sorry that I’d gone behind her back and spoken to Sonja Blythe.

At the time, I thought I was doing something courageous and romantic. Tampering with her future, I set in motion a reunion I wanted more than anything but overstepped boundaries.

I hadn’t asked what Pim wanted…

I hadn’t thought to include her in my sweeping gesture of meddling in her relationships.

Perhaps too much water and time had passed under that bridge to rebuild it.

I hadn’t stopped to ask.