Tyson (Broken Hill Boys 4)

Then I guess I’m done.

I never knew words could cut so deep, and the look on his face…it was horrendous. I fucked up. I shouldn’t have come outside. I should never have answered my phone. I would have gone back to Yale and by the time I visited again, things would have been fine.

Shit. Things are never going to be fine. He’s gone.

Then I guess I’m done.

Those damn words. Why do they keep repeating in my head? I’ve lost him. He’s really never coming back. How stupid could I have been? I’ve always known that he loves me but I never realized just how deep it ran. I was the girl that he just couldn’t move on from, never in my wildest dreams did I expect to be his end game.

I tore him to pieces. I ripped his heart out and stomped all over it while he begged me to reconsider. It wasn’t even two hours ago that I told Arianna that I’d think about it and here I was instantly shutting him down. I didn’t even give him a chance to prove himself, I just shut him down without even thinking about his heart.

He’s never going to talk to me again.

My chest begins to ache as my breathing becomes labored. What am I going to do? I need to make this right. I need to know that he’ll forgive me, but there’s no way in hell he’ll want to have any kind of conversation with me.

In some strange way, I feel like we just broke up, but that’s ridiculous because we were never together to begin with. I’ve spent the last fifteen months with him being the one I search out in a crowded room, he’s the one I think about at night, and he’s the one who makes me feel things no one else has ever made me feel, and in the blink of an eye, it’s all gone.

Maybe he just needs some time and then in a week or two, I could give him a call. No, who am I kidding, this is Tyson Wilder. He’ll spend the night hurting and come tomorrow morning, he’ll put his plan to forget about me into action.

I accused him of being the king of the pussy brigade and while I know he sleeps around; we were never exclusive. I have no claim over his body just as he has none on mine. He’s always been free to screw whoever the hell he wants to screw, but it’s never stopped the thought of it from hurting. Over the past year, I haven’t slept with anyone but him, though that wasn’t on purpose. I haven’t been saving myself for him, just as he clearly hasn’t been doing for me, but the thought of getting naked with someone other than him simply doesn’t appeal to me. I’d hate to think how much pussy he’s going to plow through over the next few months.

I pick myself up off the dirty ground and make my way inside. My dress is ruined from my knees rubbing the silk into the concrete and my tears staining the soft golden fabric. There will be no saving it. It just adds to the growing list of things I’ve fucked up tonight.

I bypass the massive clock in the living room on my way to the stairs and see the time. It’s just past 1 am and I realize that I was out there in the cold night, crying in my front yard for over an hour.

I take myself up to my room and let my ruined dress fall to the ground. I kick it aside, feeling like absolute shit that I’ve allowed such an incredible night to end on such a bad note.

My strapless bra falls to the ground and I find an old shirt to pull over my head. I trudge towards my bed and climb in under the blanket, letting my head crash down to the pillow. His face instantly comes shooting back through my head which brings on another round of tears.

Finding sleep seems like an impossible task. Every time I close my eyes, it’s his face I see, every thought is for him, every breath, every tiny little thing, it’s all for him.

Was he right? Were Arianna’s assumptions correct? Was Carol from the plane onto something?

Maybe I do love him. I honestly don’t know. I’m far too numb to even try working it out, but if I am, I’ve just ruined my chances.

I find my phone in my hand and I look down at the screen to the chain of text messages that we’ve sent each other over the past year and I freeze, completely unsure of what to do. I don’t doubt he’s lying awake in bed, probably lost in his own thoughts and wondering what he did wrong to deserve falling in love with an awful girl like me.