Lover Revealed (Black Dagger Brotherhood 4)

She leaped to her feet as he backed away. "Butch?"

"You don't worry about anything."

What the hell did that mean?

She started to go after him, but Beth appeared in the doorway with a bundle in her hands. "Um, hi, you guys... Marissa, you have a minute?"

"Butch, don't go."

He nodded a greeting to Beth, then looked down the hall. "I need to sober up."

"Butch," Marissa said sharply, "are you saying good-bye here?"

He flashed her a haunting smile. "You're always going to be with me, baby."

He walked away slowly, like the floor was slippery under his feet.

Oh... Jesus...

Beth cleared her throat. "So, yeah, Wrath suggested you might like some clothes? I brought a few things if you'd like to try them on."

Marissa was desperate to go after Butch, but she'd already made a spectacle of herself tonight and he looked like he was in serious need of a break from the drama. Boy... she knew exactly how he felt, except for her there was no escape. Everywhere she went, there she was.

She looked at Beth, feeling like this was quite possibly the single worst twenty-four hours of her life. "Did Wrath mention that I burned my entire wardrobe?"

"Um... that did come up."

"I also left a crater in the lawn. It looks like a UFO landed. I can't believe he isn't upset with me."

The queen's smile was gentle. "The only thing he's not thrilled about is your giving Fritz that bracelet to sell."

"I can't have you two renting me somewhere to live."

"As a matter of fact, we wish you would just stay here."

"Oh... no, you've already been too kind. Actually, tonight, I'd planned... Well, before I got sidetracked by that gasoline and matches thing, I was going to go to my new place and look around. See what kind of furniture I'll need to buy."

Which would be everything.

Beth frowned. "About that rental house. Wrath wants Vishous to check out the security system before you move in. And chances are good that V will want to upgrade whatever is there."

"I don't think that's necessary - "

"Nonnegotiable. Don't even try it. Wrath wants you to stay here at least until that's done, okay? Marissa?"

She thought about Bella getting abducted. As much as independence was a good thing, there was no reason to be stupid. "Yes... I... all right. Thank you."

"So would you like to try on some clothes?" Beth nodded at what was in her arms. "I don't have many dresses, but Fritz can get you some."

"You know what?" Marissa eyed the blue jeans the queen had on. "I've never worn a pair of pants before."

"I've got two pairs here if you want to try them out."

Well, wasn't this a night for firsts. Sex. Arson. Pants. "I think I would like to..."

Except Marissa burst into tears. Just totally lost it. And the meltdown was so bad, all she could do was sit on the bed and weep.

When Beth shut the door and knelt in front of her, Marissa wiped up quickly. What a nightmare. "You are queen. You shouldn't be before me like this."

"I'm the queen, so I can do anything I want." Beth put the clothes aside. "What's wrong?"

Yeah, now there was a list.

"Marissa?"

"I think... I think I might need someone to talk to."

"Well, you have someone right here. You want to give me a shot?"

God, there was so much, but one thing mattered more than all the rest. "Fair warning, my queen, this is about an improper subject. Sex, actually. It's about... sex."

Beth eased back and arranged her long legs yoga style. "Hit me."

Marissa opened her mouth. Shut it. Opened it. "I was taught not to speak of this kind of thing."

Beth smiled. "Just you and me in this room. No one has to know."

Okay... deep breath time. "Ah... I was a virgin. Up until tonight."

"Oh." After a long pause, the queen said, "And?"

"I didn't..."

"Like it?" When she couldn't respond, Beth said, "I wasn't into it my first time, either."

Marissa looked up. "Really?"

"It was painful."

"You hurt, too?" When the female nodded, Marissa was stunned. Then a little relieved. "It wasn't all painful. I mean, what led up to it was... is amazing. Butch makes me... he's just so... the way he touches me, I get... Oh, God, I can't believe I'm talking like this. And I can't explain what it's like with him."

Beth chuckled. "That's all right. I know what you mean."

"Really?"

"Oh, yeah." The queen's dark blue eyes glowed. "I know exactly what you mean."

Marissa smiled, then went back to the talking. "When it was time to... you know, when it happened, Butch was really gentle and all. And I wanted to like it, I honestly did. I was just overwhelmed and it was very painful. I think there's something wrong with me. Inside."

"There's nothing wrong with you, Marissa."

"But I... it really hurt." She wrapped her arms around her stomach. "Butch said most females have a difficult time with it in the beginning, but I just didn't... That's certainly not what the glymera says."

"No offense, because you're a part of the aristocracy, but I wouldn't take the glymera's word on anything."

The queen probably had a point. "How did you get through it with Wrath when you... ah..."

"My first time wasn't with him."

"Oh." Marissa flushed red, "Pardon me, I didn't mean - "

"No problem. Actually I didn't like sex until Wrath. I'd been with two guys before him and just... whatever. I mean, I didn't understand what all the fuss was about. Frankly, though, even if Wrath had been my first, it probably wouldn't have been any easier given the size of his - " Now the queen was flushing. "Anyway... you know, sex is an invasion for the woman. Erotic and wonderful, but an invasion just the same, and it takes a little getting used to. And for some, the first time is quite painful. Butch will be patient with you. He'll - "

"He didn't finish. I got the impression he... couldn't."

"If he hurt you, I can understand why he'd want to stop."

Marissa threw up her arms. "God, I feel so damned ashamed. When it happened, my head got all tangled... I had all this stuff shooting through my brain. And before I left, I wanted to talk to him, but I couldn't find the words. I mean, I love him."

"Good. That's good." Beth took Marissa's hand. "And it's going to be all right, I promise you. You two just need to try it again. Now that the pain is over for you, you shouldn't have a problem."

Marissa stared into the queen's midnight blue eyes. And realized that in her whole life, no one had ever talked to her candidly about a problem she had. In fact... she'd never had a friend before. And that's what the queen felt like. A... friend.

"You know something?" Marissa murmured.

"What?"

"You're very kind. I can see why Wrath has bonded with you so."

"Like I said before, I'd do anything to help you."

"You really have. Tonight... you totally have." Marissa cleared her throat. "May I - ah, may I try the pants on?"

"Absolutely."

Marissa picked up the clothes, got a change of underwear from the bureau, and went into the bathroom.

When she came out, she had on a pair of slim black pants and a turtleneck. And she couldn't stop staring down at herself. Her body seemed so much smaller without all the skirting. "How do they feel?" Beth asked.

"Odd. Light. Easy." Marissa walked around in her bare feet. "A little like I'm naked."

"You're thinner than I am, so they're a little baggy. But they look great."

Marissa went back into the bathroom and stared at herself in the mirror. "I think I like them."

When Butch returned to the Pit, he lurched down to his suite. As he started the shower, he kept the lights off because he had no interest in seeing how drunk and freaked out he still was. And he got under the spray, even though it was cold, in the hopes that the Antarctic wash would help sober him up.

With rough hands, he worked himself over with a bar of soap, and when he got to his privates, he didn't look down. Couldn't bear it. He knew, what he was washing off his body, and his chest burned at the thought of the blood that had been on the inside of Marissa's thighs.