Avoiding Commitment (Avoiding 1)

A part of her knew that was coming. It was inevitable that he was going to leave her. That inevitability wasn't in place for Jack. But even so, she couldn't even count the number of times she had thought about actually being with Jack in a relationship. She had imagined them together for so long, it was strange to see that for the third time they had screwed up beyond repair. Jack wasn't leaving Kate. Lexi knew it, but she couldn't come to grips with that reality. She had always assumed that if things broke apart in their relationships, that they would be together. Not that they would be apart. She had never believed they would be apart.

"Jack, be realistic. She's going to find out one way or another. If you don't tell her, then Clark will. Then where will you stand?"

"What do you expect me to do Lexi?" he asked standing forcefully. "Think about it. What would you do in my place? You have this great life with an amazing girlfriend who would do anything for you and you would just throw that all away?"

Lexi had thought about it. She'd thought about being with him all the time. "If your life was so great, then what the f**k is this? What have we been doing since May?" she screamed gesturing between the two of them.

"I don't know Lexi. God, I don't know. Give me some time to think about all this."

Lexi's mouth dropped open. "You need some time to think? I didn't have any time to think when Clark confronted me."

"Yeah well that's not my fault! Alright!"

"I just thought we were in this together," she said weakly. Her mind was whirling. Clark was right. It's not like this actually mattered to Jack. He may not have told Clark about what had happened, but it wasn't like he was going to leave Kate for her either. He'd set her up in his mind to be the other woman, and that's where she resided. That's where she had always resided. She had never come first with him. Even when his relationship was threatened, he couldn't see past his amazing girlfriend to what was really in front of him.

"Look this is all so sudden, and I just need time to get things straight. I can't just rush over there right now and tell her what happened. Even if I did that it's not like we could be together. You still have to straighten things out with Clark. So let's just put this whole conversation on the brakes. You're already upset. I don't want to continue to cause you pain."

Too late.

Lexi felt completely drained as she left Jack's house. Somehow she managed to get back to her apartment in one piece. She collapsed onto the couch. Glad, at least for the moment, that she had no more tears to shed. Her eyes were bloodshot and puffy from crying. Her complexion had drained of color; her lips only a soft pink. The messy ponytail she had forced her hair into that morning had all but fallen out. She realized for the first time that she didn't even match. She wore purple sweatpants coupled with a ratty orange t-shirt and blue zip-up hoodie. She kicked off her red, black, and white sneakers to reveal one orange and one neon yellow sock. She couldn't even remember changing.

Lexi stared upwards pathetically counting the number of dots on the ceiling. She reached a number somewhere in the triple digits, forgot which ones she had already counted, and then started over again. Then she started losing count of how many times she had numbered the same area. She closed her eyes hoping to block out the pain she was feeling. All she wanted to do was forget that all of this had happened. Close her eyes and wake up to find that everything was back to normal or at least skip this part where she felt like a human being again.

She wasn't sure how long she had been lying there when her phone started buzzing. She honestly didn't even realize that she had stuffed it into her pocket. A feeling of dread took over her body as she stared at the screen flashing Clark's name. Her stomach curled in around itself wondering whether or not she should answer. Of course, she knew she should answer, but she really didn't want to hear him say the words that she knew was coming. How could she let this all be over?

She felt the phone buzz once more and then with a loud sigh answered the phone. "Clark," she mumbled into the phone.

"Hey baby," he said from the other line. Lexi's heart fluttered at the pet name. Well that was a good sign. She shook her head. No, it was more likely it was habit. She wasn't sure if she was supposed to respond to him or if he was going to do all the talking. Her throat felt like it had a handful of cotton balls shoved down it, and even if she wanted to initiate conversation she'd probably need a full glass of water before she could even attempt to manage it.

"We need to talk." Lexi gulped. That didn't sound good. How could he sound so calm after blowing up this morning? How was he so controlled? She was all over the charts. She'd cried for hours and then honestly stared at the ceiling for God knows how long. Clark sounded more like he had just taken a brisk morning jog, gotten out of the shower, had breakfast, and was ready to start the day.

"Alright," she began, clearing her throat. "Let's talk."

"Come meet me for coffee."

Lexi's head swam as a vision of Jack standing behind a counter handing her a paper cup brimming with coffee. She snapped her eyes closed hoping to clear her head. The last thing she needed to think about right now was Jack. "Can I…just come over?"

"I'd rather not be at one of our houses."

Why did she always have to associate coffee with Jack? She just wanted to hit herself. Everything seemed to remind her of Jack. The sad thing was that she knew she really needed coffee. She never went this long in the morning without the stuff. She'd probably start shaking like an addict going through withdrawal here shortly if she didn't get a hold of a cup, but she still didn't want to go. She didn't want to think about Jack especially around Clark. She needed to focus on what he was going to say to her. She needed to remain calm as he broke up with her.

"Coffee it is then," she said weakly. "See you soon."

"Yeah."

Lexi decided that it really didn't matter that she was going out in public in something resembling a clown outfit. If all she was going there for was to be broken up with, then what did it matter? It didn't really add to the humiliation. She couldn't humiliate herself any more than she already had.

For what she hoped was the last time she went out that day, Lexi pulled into the parking lot at the coffee shop. Her eyes traveled the familiar building her heart aching with memories. She entered through the side entrance to avoid getting a glimpse of the counter area and her all too familiar study space. She breathed in the rich aroma of freshly brewed coffee and appreciated the dull green glow that emanated from the lamps resting on every table. At least this light didn't hurt her already damaged eyes. She saw Clark nestled in an overstuffed couch next to the fireplace with two cups sitting before him. They both appeared to be untouched.