Shades of Gray (KGI 6)
“If you only knew,” Sarah muttered.
P.J. lifted her eyebrows. “What?”
Rachel sighed. “While you were AWOL, we sort of had an incident at the school where I’m teaching again. The mom and dad of one of my students split up, and the dad went bonkers and came to the school with a gun and held my class hostage. This was just a few days after I’d found out I was having twins. You can imagine that Ethan didn’t take any of this well.”
“Did they go in and take the fucker out?” P.J. demanded. Then she bit her lip, glancing in Charlotte’s direction. “Sorry.”
The others laughed.
“Yep, they did,” Sophie said with a grin. “They pissed off a whole host of people in the process, but the real heroine was Rachel.”
Rachel blushed and shook her head. “I was terrified.”
“I’m sorry I wasn’t here,” P.J. said quietly. She felt protective of these women. Like they were hers. She’d had a hand in every mission that dealt with them, and it bugged her that while she’d been out seeking revenge, Rachel could have been killed.
“You’re here now,” Rachel said. “And that’s all that matters. KGI isn’t the same without you, P.J.”
Shea leaned back in her chair and pried a leaf from Charlotte’s hand before it made it to her mouth. Then she turned to look directly at P.J.
“Look, P.J., I know Cole called and talked to Sophie, and yeah, he told us about what happened to you, but we already knew. KGI is family, and even though you don’t hang around us that much, we all care about you a lot. You’ve been there for each of us when we needed someone the most. You’ve risked your life for all of us. You risk your life to keep the men we love safe. That makes you very special to us whether you know it or not. It also makes us very invested in what goes on with you. When we heard what happened, we wanted to go kick that fucker’s ass every bit as much as the guys did.”
P.J. bit the inside of her mouth to keep it from flapping open. She didn’t really know how to respond to Shea’s impassioned statement. She hadn’t ever considered that she meant crap to these women. It baffled her that they thought about her at all. She was just a member of a team that worked for or with their husbands. No one special. Certainly not family. Right?
And yet the mere word had sent a warm flush straight into her heart.
“And I said all of that to let you know that we aren’t here to psychoanalyze you. We aren’t going to pry into your thoughts. What we do want you to know is that we’re here for you. Anytime. Whatever you need. If it’s someone to talk to. If you just want a shoulder to cry on. If you just want to bitch and scream. We’re here. Never hesitate to call us or come over. You may not be a Kelly in name, but you belong to us and we take family very seriously.”
Sophie clapped, a broad smile on her face. “Very well said, Shea. Wow, you’re coming along just fine.” She turned a teasing smile toward P.J. “It wasn’t so long ago that we were having to convince her she was part of the family and that it was okay to lean on us.”
Sarah leaned forward, her expression serious, her eyes full of understanding. “I was raped too, P.J. I know what it feels like. I dealt with it by ignoring it. I shut everyone out. I just wanted to be left alone.”
“Yes,” P.J. said fiercely, finally latching on fully to part of the conversation.
Sarah’s admission was everything that P.J. had done herself, and as silly as it sounded, it made her feel not quite so alone that she wasn’t the only one who’d reacted to what had happened to her the way she had.
“I just didn’t—don’t—want to think about it,” she finished painfully.
Sarah nodded. “I get it. I do. But when you let it go like that for so long, you eventually reach a breaking point.”
P.J.’s heart thumped, making her feel a little light-headed. She wanted to confide in her so badly about what happened the night before. The words were burning her lips, but she was so ashamed, and it simply wasn’t in her nature to confide in others.
She’d always been a loner. It was something drilled into her from the time she was a child. That wasn’t going to change in the course of a single day, the first time other females extended their hand in friendship.
When a child couldn’t even count on her parents, how the hell was she supposed to be able to count on anyone else?
But who said there were rules she had to follow? Just because she was one way her entire life didn’t mean she couldn’t take steps to change, even if they were baby steps. She was tired of feeling so alone all the damn time. If that made her weak, then fine. She was weak.
She rubbed her face tiredly and sat there a long moment before she finally worked up the courage to say what she’d nearly blurted out just moments before.
“I freaked out last night,” she admitted. “I thought I was ready. I never really thought about it. I mean, I’m a logical person and I have no trouble separating out what those bastards did to me with the reality of having someone you care about touch you. I know Cole would never hurt me. I know that! And yet one minute I was in the most fantastic place in the world and the next I was in full-scale panic and hyperventilating all over the place. I no longer knew where I was or who I was with. I was so scared that I couldn’t even function. How stupid is that?”
“It’s not stupid,” Rachel said in a tone that told P.J. she knew exactly what she was talking about. “I still have episodes of panic and utter despair. Despair doesn’t even begin to describe the absolute desolation or the feeling that you’re lost in hell and no one will ever find you. I wake up in the middle of the night thinking I’m back in that horrible hotbox, in the dark, alone, knowing I have no way out.”
“I have a pretty awful confession to make,” Sarah said with a grimace. “On our wedding night, I had a panic attack when Garrett tried to make love to me. Talk about stupid. We’d made love so many times before and I was fine. Maybe it was the stress of the wedding. I have no idea. But I freaked out when he touched me, and he spent the rest of our wedding night holding and comforting me. I’ve never felt so awful in my life. I ruined what should have been the most special night of our lives.”
P.J. felt a twinge of sympathy for the other woman. She knew exactly how that felt. It was the way she’d felt the night before when she’d all but begged Cole to make love to her.
“Ahh honey, I’m sorry,” Sophie said, reaching over to squeeze Sarah’s hand. “I’m sure Garrett was fine with it. He loves you so much.”
“Oh, he was. It was me who wasn’t fine with it. I’m so tired of allowing that bastard who raped me to control my life. I don’t want him in my life or my marriage and I damn sure don’t want him in bed with me and my husband.”
The others giggled. Then Sarah stifled her own laughter and everyone joined in, laughing at the image of another man in bed with Sarah and Garrett.
It lightened the mood and injected some much-needed levity into the conversation.
“I’ll tell you like we told Shea,” Rachel began. “It may sound stupid, and the initial reaction is denial, but sometimes you just need someone to talk it out with. I avoided therapy for the longest time because it frustrated me that I needed to go see a complete stranger so that I could deal with the things that had happened to me. But once I got over that feeling of ridiculousness, it really did help.”
“Same for me,” Sarah interjected. “And I tell you something else that really, really helped. Talking to Garrett and being honest with my feelings. He’s been so understanding, and I can’t imagine Cole would be any less so.”
P.J. felt heat rise into her cheeks. “You guys are kind of assuming that Cole and I are a slam dunk.”
Sophie snorted. “Oh please. The man was a walking corpse after you pulled your disappearing act. You have that man so tied up in knots it isn’t even funny.”
The others nodded their agreement.
“If you only knew,” Sarah muttered.
P.J. lifted her eyebrows. “What?”
Rachel sighed. “While you were AWOL, we sort of had an incident at the school where I’m teaching again. The mom and dad of one of my students split up, and the dad went bonkers and came to the school with a gun and held my class hostage. This was just a few days after I’d found out I was having twins. You can imagine that Ethan didn’t take any of this well.”
“Did they go in and take the fucker out?” P.J. demanded. Then she bit her lip, glancing in Charlotte’s direction. “Sorry.”
The others laughed.
“Yep, they did,” Sophie said with a grin. “They pissed off a whole host of people in the process, but the real heroine was Rachel.”
Rachel blushed and shook her head. “I was terrified.”
“I’m sorry I wasn’t here,” P.J. said quietly. She felt protective of these women. Like they were hers. She’d had a hand in every mission that dealt with them, and it bugged her that while she’d been out seeking revenge, Rachel could have been killed.
“You’re here now,” Rachel said. “And that’s all that matters. KGI isn’t the same without you, P.J.”
Shea leaned back in her chair and pried a leaf from Charlotte’s hand before it made it to her mouth. Then she turned to look directly at P.J.
“Look, P.J., I know Cole called and talked to Sophie, and yeah, he told us about what happened to you, but we already knew. KGI is family, and even though you don’t hang around us that much, we all care about you a lot. You’ve been there for each of us when we needed someone the most. You’ve risked your life for all of us. You risk your life to keep the men we love safe. That makes you very special to us whether you know it or not. It also makes us very invested in what goes on with you. When we heard what happened, we wanted to go kick that fucker’s ass every bit as much as the guys did.”
P.J. bit the inside of her mouth to keep it from flapping open. She didn’t really know how to respond to Shea’s impassioned statement. She hadn’t ever considered that she meant crap to these women. It baffled her that they thought about her at all. She was just a member of a team that worked for or with their husbands. No one special. Certainly not family. Right?
And yet the mere word had sent a warm flush straight into her heart.
“And I said all of that to let you know that we aren’t here to psychoanalyze you. We aren’t going to pry into your thoughts. What we do want you to know is that we’re here for you. Anytime. Whatever you need. If it’s someone to talk to. If you just want a shoulder to cry on. If you just want to bitch and scream. We’re here. Never hesitate to call us or come over. You may not be a Kelly in name, but you belong to us and we take family very seriously.”
Sophie clapped, a broad smile on her face. “Very well said, Shea. Wow, you’re coming along just fine.” She turned a teasing smile toward P.J. “It wasn’t so long ago that we were having to convince her she was part of the family and that it was okay to lean on us.”
Sarah leaned forward, her expression serious, her eyes full of understanding. “I was raped too, P.J. I know what it feels like. I dealt with it by ignoring it. I shut everyone out. I just wanted to be left alone.”
“Yes,” P.J. said fiercely, finally latching on fully to part of the conversation.
Sarah’s admission was everything that P.J. had done herself, and as silly as it sounded, it made her feel not quite so alone that she wasn’t the only one who’d reacted to what had happened to her the way she had.
“I just didn’t—don’t—want to think about it,” she finished painfully.
Sarah nodded. “I get it. I do. But when you let it go like that for so long, you eventually reach a breaking point.”
P.J.’s heart thumped, making her feel a little light-headed. She wanted to confide in her so badly about what happened the night before. The words were burning her lips, but she was so ashamed, and it simply wasn’t in her nature to confide in others.
She’d always been a loner. It was something drilled into her from the time she was a child. That wasn’t going to change in the course of a single day, the first time other females extended their hand in friendship.
When a child couldn’t even count on her parents, how the hell was she supposed to be able to count on anyone else?
But who said there were rules she had to follow? Just because she was one way her entire life didn’t mean she couldn’t take steps to change, even if they were baby steps. She was tired of feeling so alone all the damn time. If that made her weak, then fine. She was weak.
She rubbed her face tiredly and sat there a long moment before she finally worked up the courage to say what she’d nearly blurted out just moments before.
“I freaked out last night,” she admitted. “I thought I was ready. I never really thought about it. I mean, I’m a logical person and I have no trouble separating out what those bastards did to me with the reality of having someone you care about touch you. I know Cole would never hurt me. I know that! And yet one minute I was in the most fantastic place in the world and the next I was in full-scale panic and hyperventilating all over the place. I no longer knew where I was or who I was with. I was so scared that I couldn’t even function. How stupid is that?”
“It’s not stupid,” Rachel said in a tone that told P.J. she knew exactly what she was talking about. “I still have episodes of panic and utter despair. Despair doesn’t even begin to describe the absolute desolation or the feeling that you’re lost in hell and no one will ever find you. I wake up in the middle of the night thinking I’m back in that horrible hotbox, in the dark, alone, knowing I have no way out.”
“I have a pretty awful confession to make,” Sarah said with a grimace. “On our wedding night, I had a panic attack when Garrett tried to make love to me. Talk about stupid. We’d made love so many times before and I was fine. Maybe it was the stress of the wedding. I have no idea. But I freaked out when he touched me, and he spent the rest of our wedding night holding and comforting me. I’ve never felt so awful in my life. I ruined what should have been the most special night of our lives.”
P.J. felt a twinge of sympathy for the other woman. She knew exactly how that felt. It was the way she’d felt the night before when she’d all but begged Cole to make love to her.
“Ahh honey, I’m sorry,” Sophie said, reaching over to squeeze Sarah’s hand. “I’m sure Garrett was fine with it. He loves you so much.”
“Oh, he was. It was me who wasn’t fine with it. I’m so tired of allowing that bastard who raped me to control my life. I don’t want him in my life or my marriage and I damn sure don’t want him in bed with me and my husband.”
The others giggled. Then Sarah stifled her own laughter and everyone joined in, laughing at the image of another man in bed with Sarah and Garrett.
It lightened the mood and injected some much-needed levity into the conversation.
“I’ll tell you like we told Shea,” Rachel began. “It may sound stupid, and the initial reaction is denial, but sometimes you just need someone to talk it out with. I avoided therapy for the longest time because it frustrated me that I needed to go see a complete stranger so that I could deal with the things that had happened to me. But once I got over that feeling of ridiculousness, it really did help.”
“Same for me,” Sarah interjected. “And I tell you something else that really, really helped. Talking to Garrett and being honest with my feelings. He’s been so understanding, and I can’t imagine Cole would be any less so.”
P.J. felt heat rise into her cheeks. “You guys are kind of assuming that Cole and I are a slam dunk.”
Sophie snorted. “Oh please. The man was a walking corpse after you pulled your disappearing act. You have that man so tied up in knots it isn’t even funny.”
The others nodded their agreement.
“Well hell,” P.J. grumbled. “It’s apparent nothing stays secret around here.”
They hooted in laughter.
“I’m afraid that’s the drawback of being part of a noisy, very close, very intrusive family. There isn’t much everyone else doesn’t know,” Shea said.
“But it’s the very best kind of family to be a part of,” Rachel said softly. “I wouldn’t trade them for the world.”
“As long as we’re making confessions, I’ll make one more,” P.J. said with a grimace. “I was dreading this. And to be honest the only reason I agreed to come was because Cole was in agony after he made the call to Sam, thinking I’d be pissed that he arranged it without talking to me first.”
The others smiled but waited for her to continue.
“But I really am enjoying myself and I want to thank you for going to all of this trouble for someone you don’t even really know.”
“You’ve done so much for all of us,” Shea said. “You say you’re just doing your job. But to us, you’ve not only put your life on the line for us individually, but you go out every time our husbands go out and you’re a big part of the reason they come home to us again. There is nothing we can ever do to repay you for that, so if there is ever anything any of us can do, we don’t just want you to ask, we expect you to ask.”
P.J. smiled, warmed through by the genuine regard and acceptance the other women had bestowed on her.
The world might well be coming to an end, because P.J. Rutherford was actually making friends.
CHAPTER 32
“SO how did it go?” Cole asked on the drive back to Camden.
“It actually went well,” she said.
She reached over to slide her fingers around his hand, surprising him with her overture. He picked up her hand and put it on his leg, his grip firm.
“You were sweet to do that for me, Cole. I really appreciate your caring,” she said in a quiet voice. “They didn’t pry. And they didn’t push too hard. They just let me know I wasn’t alone and that they were there anytime I needed a shoulder. It was kind of . . . nice.”
He squeezed her hand. “I’m glad. I hate that you seem so alone, like you’re isolated from the rest of the world. There are so many of us who care about you, P.J. I just wanted to show you that.”
Her heart did a complete somersault in her chest. This man was so damn perfect and he actually wanted her. It defied all logic, but she wasn’t going to argue.
“Thank you. I do feel better. It was nice to get out for an afternoon. The Kelly women are nice.”
“Yeah, they’re pretty special, but not as special as you.”
She blushed hotly but smiled her happiness over his assessment.
“Hey, when we get to your place, do you have wireless Internet? I need to get on my laptop. It’s been forever since I checked email and messages.”
“Sure. I’ll get you hooked up, no problem.”
“What sort of divine delicacies can I look forward to tonight?” she teased.
“Was thinking of cranking up the grill and doing something quick, like hamburgers.”
“Yum. That sounds perfect!”
He smiled. “You’re awfully easy to please.”
Impulsively, she leaned across the truck and kissed him on the cheek. He glanced over in surprise when she pulled away, but pleasure glowed in his eyes.
“What was that for?”
“Just seemed like the thing to do,” she said.
“Well feel free to do it more often,” he encouraged. “I assure you I won’t mind.”
When they arrived at his house, she again got out without any help from him. She limped toward the house, and whether it was her mood or the wound wasn’t bothering her as much, her step was quicker and more confident.
Her assessment was verified when Cole commented that she seemed to be getting around better.
She went to her bedroom and pulled her laptop out of her bag. The battery was likely dead, so she retrieved the cord and went in search of a place to plug it in.
Cole was in the kitchen pulling stuff out of the fridge, so she opted to set up her computer on the bar and settled on one of the stools.
After plugging in to begin the charge, she opened it and searched for his wireless connection.
“Hey, do you have a password to get on?” she asked.
To her surprise, his cheeks darkened with color, and instead of telling her the password, he walked around to her laptop and swiftly typed it in.
She stared at him in curiosity. “Don’t trust me?”
“Nah, just figured it was easier if I typed it,” he hedged.
“So how am I supposed to connect if you aren’t just right here?” she asked innocently.
“Since I don’t plan not to be right here with you, it isn’t an issue.”
“Oh come on, Cole. You’ve got me curious. I could swear you blushed when I asked for the password. What is it, some kind of X-rated guy thing? Like bigboobs or something like that?”