Wallbanger (Cocktail 1)

“Jillian, seriously. It was like nothing I’ve ever heard before! The first night, they were banging the wall so hard a picture fell off and hit me on the head!”

Her eyes widened, and she leaned forward on my desk. “Shut up!”

“I will not! Then I heard…Jesus, I heard spanking.” I was discussing spanking with my boss. Do you see why I love my life?

“Nooo,” she breathed, and we giggled like schoolgirls.

“Yeesss. And he made my bed move, Jillian. Made it move! I saw her the next morning, as Spanx was leaving.”

“You call her Spanx?”

“You bet! And then last night—”

“Two nights in a row! Spanx got spanked again?”

“Oh no, last night I was treated to a freak of nature I’ve named Purina,” I continued.

“Purina? I don’t get it.” She frowned.

“The Russian he made meow last night.”

She laughed again, causing Steve from accounting to stick his head in the door.

“What are you two hens clucking about in here?” he asked, shaking his head.

“Nothing,” we answered at the same time, then cracked up again.

“Two women in two nights, that’s impressive.” She sighed.

“Come on, impressive? No. Manwhore? Yes.”

“Wow, do you know his name?”

“I do, in fact. His name is Simon. I know this because Spanx and Purina kept screaming it over and over again. I could make it out over the banging…Stupid wall banger,” I muttered.

She was silent for a moment, and then she grinned. “Simon Wallbanger—I love it!”

“Yeah, you love it. You didn’t have your cat trying to mate with Purina through the wall last night.” I chuckled ruefully and laid my head back on the desk as we continued to giggle.

“Okay, let’s get to work,” Jillian finally said, wiping the tears from her eyes. “I need you to land these new clients today. What time are they coming in?”

“Ah, Mr. and Mrs. Nicholson are here at one. I’ve got the presentation and the plans all ready for them. I think they’ll really like the way I redesigned their bedroom. We’re going to be able to offer an en suite sitting room and an entirely new bathroom. It’s pretty great.”

“I believe you. Can you run through your ideas with me at lunch?”

“Yep, I’m all over it,” I answered as she headed for the door.

“You know, Caroline, if you can land this job, it would be huge for the firm,” she said, eying me over her tortoiseshell glasses.

“Just wait until you see what I came up with for their new home theater.”

“They don’t have a home theater.”

“Not yet they don’t,” I said, arching my eyebrows and grinning devilishly.

“Nice,” she appraised and left to start her day.

The Nicholsons were definitely a couple I wanted—everyone did. Mimi had done some work for Natalie Nicholson, blueblood and well heeled, when she reorganized her office last year. She referred me when interior design hit the table, and I immediately started plans for their bedroom remodel.

Wallbanger. Pffft.

“Fantastic, Caroline. Simply fantastic,” Natalie raved as I walked her and her husband to the front door. We’d spent almost two hours going through the plans, and while we’d compromised on a few key points, it was going to be an exciting project.

“So, you think you’re the right designer for us?” Sam asked, his deep brown eyes twinkling as he wrapped his arm around his wife’s waist and played with her ponytail.

“You tell me,” I teased back, smiling at the two of them.

“I think we would love to work with you on this project,” Natalie said as we shook hands.

I internally high-fived myself, but kept my face composed. “Excellent. I’ll be in touch very soon, and we can get started on a schedule,” I said as I held the door for them.

I stood in the doorway as I waved them off, then let the door close behind me. I glanced over at Ashley, our receptionist. She raised her eyebrows at me, and I raised mine right back.

“So?” she asked.

“Oh yeah. Nailed it,” I sighed, and we both squealed. Jillian came down the stairs as we danced about, and she stopped short. “What the hell happened down here?” she asked, grinning.

“Caroline got hired by the Nicholsons!” Ashley squealed again.

“Nice.” Jillian gave me a quick hug. “Proud of you, kid,” she whispered, and I beamed. I freaking beamed.

I danced back to my office, putting a little bump and grind in it as I made my way around the desk. I sat down, twirled in my chair, and looked out onto the bay.

Well played, Caroline. Well played.

That night when I went out to celebrate my success with Mimi and Sophia, I may have imbibed more than a few margaritas. I continued with tequila shots, and I was still licking at the now-nonexistent salt on the inside of my wrist as they walked me up my stairs.

“Sophia, you’re so pretty. You know that, right?” I cooed, leaning on her as we crawled up the stairs.

“Yes, Caroline, I’m pretty. Good grasp on the obvious,” she said. At almost six feet tall with fiery red hair, Sophia was keenly aware her looks.

Mimi laughed, and I turned to her.

“And you, Mimi, you’re my best friend. And you’re so tiny! I bet I could carry you around in my pocket.” I giggled as I tried to find my pocket. Mimi was a petite Filipino, with caramel skin and the blackest hair.

“We should have cut her off after the guacamole left the table,” Mimi muttered. “She is never allowed to drink again without food present.” She dragged me up the last few steps.

“Don’t talk about me like I’m not here,” I complained, taking off my jacket and starting in on my shirt.

“Okay, let’s not get na**d here in the hallway, huh?” Sophia shot back, taking my keys from my purse and opening my door. I tried to kiss her on the cheek, and she pushed me off.

“You smell like tequila and sexual repression, Caroline. Get off me.” She laughed and opened my door. As we traveled to the bedroom, I caught sight of Clive on the windowsill.

“Hey there, Clive. How’s my big boy?” I sang.

He glared at me and stalked off to the living room. He disapproved of my alcohol use. I stuck my tongue out at him. I flopped down on the bed and surveyed my girls in the doorway. They smirked in that you-are-drunk-and-we-are-not-so-we-judge way.

“Don’t act all high and mighty, ladies. I’ve seen you more drunk than this on many an occasion,” I noted, my pants going the way of my blouse. Ask me why I kept my heels on, and I will never be able to tell you.

The two of them pulled down the duvet, and I crawled under the covers and glared. They tucked me in so well that the only things sticking out were my eyeballs, my nostrils, and my messy hair.

“Why is the room spinning? What the hell did you guys do to Jillian’s apartment? She’ll kill me if I mess up her rent control!” I cried, moaning as I watched the room move.

“The room isn’t spinning. Settle down.” Mimi chuckled, sitting next to me and patting my shoulder.

“And that thumping, what the hell is that thumping?” I whispered into Mimi’s armpit, which I then sniffed and complimented her deodorant choice.

“Caroline, there’s no thumping. Jesus, you must have had more than we thought!” Sophia exclaimed, settling down at the end of the bed.

“No, Sophia, I hear it too. You can’t hear that?” Mimi said in a hushed voice.

Sophia was quiet, and all three of us listened. There was a distinct thump, and then an unmistakable groan.

“Kittens, lay back. You are about to get Wallbanged,” I stated.

Sophia and Mimi’s eyes grew wide, but they stayed quiet.

Would it be Spanx? Purina? Anticipating the latter, Clive entered the room and jumped up on the bed. He stared at the wall with rapt attention.

The four of us sat and waited. I can barely describe what we were subjected to this time.

“Oh, God.”

Thump.

“Oh, God.”

Thump thump.

Mimi and Sophia looked at Clive and me. We just shook our heads—both of us, really. A slow smile spread across Sophia’s face. I focused on the voice coming through the wall. It was different…The pitch was lower, and, well, I couldn’t really make out exactly what she was saying. It wasn’t Spanx or Purina…

“Mmm, Simon —” giggle “— right —” giggle “— there!” giggle.

Huh?

“Yes, yes —” snort “— yes! Fuck, f**k —” giggle-hee haw “— fuck, yes!”

She was giggling. She was a dirty, dirty giggler.

The three of us tittered along with her as she giggled and snorted her way toward what sounded like one helluva cl**ax. Clive, realizing quickly that his beloved wasn’t making an appearance, beat a hasty retreat to the kitchen.

“What the hell is this?” Mimi whispered, her eyes as wide as apple pies.

“This is the sexual torture I’ve been listening to for the last two nights. You have no idea,” I growled, feeling the effects of the tequila.

“LaughyPants has been getting done like this for the last two nights?” Sophia cried, slapping her hand over her mouth as more moaning laughter filtered through the wall.

“Oh, hell no. Tonight is the first night I’ve had the pleasure of this one. The first night was Spanx. She was a naughty, naughty girl and needed to be punished. And last night Clive met the love of his life when Purina made her debut— ”

“Why do you call her Purina?” Sophia interrupted.

“Because she meows when he makes her come,” I said, hiding under the covers. My buzz was beginning to fade, replaced by the distinct lack of sleep I’d experienced since moving into this den of debauchery.

Sophia and Mimi peeled the covers from my face just as the chick screamed, “Oh, God that’s…that’s —” hahahaha “— so good!”

“The guy next door can make a woman meow?” Sophia asked, raising an eyebrow.

“Apparently so.” I chuckled, feeling the first wave of nausea wash over me.

“Why is she laughing? Why would anyone be laughing while they’re getting done like that?” Mimi asked.

“No idea, but it’s nice to hear she’s enjoying herself,” Sophia said, laughing herself at a particularly loud guffaw. Guffaw my aunt Fanny…

“Have you seen this guy yet?” asked Mimi, still staring at the wall.

“Nope. My peephole is getting a workout, though.”

“Glad to hear at least one hole is getting some around here,” Sophia muttered.

I glared at her. “Charming, Sophia. I’ve seen the back of his head, and that’s it,” I answered, sitting up.

“Wow, three girls in three nights. That’s some kind of stamina,” Mimi said, still looking in wonder at the wall.

“It’s some kind of disgusting is what it is. I can’t even sleep at night! My poor wall!” I wailed as I heard a deep groan from him.

“Your wall, what does your wall have to do —” Sophia began, and I held up my hand.

“Wait for it, please,” I said. He began to bring it on home.

The wall began to shake with the rhythmic banging, and the woman’s giggles got louder and louder. Sophia and Mimi stared in wonder, as I just shook my head.

I could hear Simon moaning, and I knew he was getting close. But his sounds were quickly drowned out by this evening’s friend.

“Oh —” giggle “— that’s —” giggle “— it —” giggle “— don’t —” giggle “— stop —” giggle “— don’t —” giggle “— stop —” giggle “— oh —” giggle-snort “— God —” giggle-giggle snort-snort “— don’t —” giggle “— stop!” giggle.

Please. Please. Please, stop, I thought.

Giggle-sniffle.

And with one last giggle and groan, silence fell across the land. Sophia and Mimi looked at each other, and Sophia said, “Oh.”

“My,” added Mimi.

“God,” they said together.

“And that’s why I can’t sleep,” I sighed.

While the three of us recovered from the Giggler, Clive returned to play in the corner with a cotton ball.

Giggler, I think I hate you most of all…

Chapter Four

THE NEXT FEW NIGHTS were blissfully quiet. No thumping, no spanking, no meowing, and no giggling. Admittedly Clive was a little forlorn from time to time, but everything else around the apartment was great. I met some of my neighbors, including Euan and Antonio who lived downstairs. I hadn’t heard or seen Simon since that last night with the Giggler, and while I was grateful for the nights of perfect sleep, I was curious about where he’d disappeared to. Euan and Antonio were only too glad to fill me in.

“Darling, wait until you see our dear Simon. What a specimen that boy is!” Euan exclaimed. Antonio had caught me in the hall on my way home and had a cocktail in my hand within seconds.

“Oh my, yes. He is exquisite! If only I were a few years younger,” Antonio crooned, fanning himself as Euan looked over his Bloody Mary at him.

“If you were a few years younger you’d what? Please. You’d never have been in Simon’s league. He is filet, while—face it, love—you and I are tube steaks.”