Whisper to Me (Between Breaths 3)

As a result, Dakota had been giving me the silent treatment for days on end, and the absence of her nagging voice had been pure bliss. In fact, it’d given me the time to practice for this event and to set up a strategy to bring good music into the casino. For the first time in a while, I felt as if I had direction in my life.

Tomorrow night, a pan-tribal band would be performing. With Dad’s permission, I booked some different acts this weekend and asked my parents to check out the line-up. They included tambourines and water drums in their set and even sang traditional Peyote songs. I figured Dad would get a kick out of that, as well as the employees and patrons here of Native American descent.

The past couple of weeks, security in the casino had been beefed up due to public drunkenness and an all-out brawl near the craps tables. Of course, that kind of shit came with the territory. This was a place for gambling and drinking, after all.

I wanted to show my father that he could attract different clientele on the weekends. An older or more mature crowd. Maybe couples who wanted a fun, luxurious night out.

The jazz quartet played instrumental numbers, and I’d sat in on a few practice sessions the past month to learn the tunes. We clicked as far as the music was concerned. But musicians could be temperamental no matter what—working in a recording studio had opened my eyes to that.

These guys were different. They weren’t trying to make it huge; they just wanted to tour and play music, and I appreciated that. There hadn’t been any jealousy between them, either. The keyboard player said I was one hell of a bass guitarist. I’d heard that compliment before, and it always made me feel good. But where would that get me, really? No doubt I could play in a few bands like I always had, but that didn’t pay the bills.

“Hey, Kai, before I forget . . .” Cameron came up close behind me as I plugged the power cord into the amp. “We have an appointment at Bixby Studios to record something for an upcoming tour.”

“Yeah?” I said, vaguely familiar with the business over in Carlton County. “That’s cool.”

“I know that mixing is your thing,” he said. My thing? Was anything really my thing? Some little bell went off in my brain. “Would you mind showing up—maybe hang out in the control room and tell us if we’re any good?”

“Dude, they already have their own sound engineers.” I checked the strings on my bass. “What the heck would you need me for?”

“I chewed the fat with Johan recently.” He sat down at his drum set to wait for the sound check signal. “He told me you were really good—a natural.”

“Johan?” My brain was having trouble catching up. “In Amsterdam?”

“Yeah, we’re heading back there in the fall,” he said, twirling a drumstick. “He feels bad, you know.”

I stopped fiddling with the equalizer on the amp. “About?”

He shrugged. “About losing you.”

“About losing me,” I said. What the hell? “Not about accusing me of something I hadn’t done?”

“Well, that, too,” he said, testing his kick petal. “But I don’t think he’s got the balls to admit it.”

“True. He didn’t seem to have any balls at all,” I said, gritting my teeth. “At least not when it came to his girlfriend.”

“He told me you were a brilliant sound guy,” he said. “That you got bands to push themselves, to make their demo shine.”

“That’s a cool compliment.” One that surprised me. Johan was always on my ass about one thing or another.

“Anyway, will you do it?” he asked, before giving the sound guy the thumbs up to begin the check. “Sit in on at least one number?”

I smirked, still thinking about Johan. Bloody bastard. “Sure.”

When I next looked up, Dakota, Shane, and Rachel were seated at a long table in the bar area. My parents headed from the direction of the office and greeted my sister and my friends. Mom hugged Rachel and sat down beside her.

I glanced away to play a few notes for the sound guy, but I felt Rachel’s gaze, so I looked up. It was apparent she and my mom were talking about me, gesturing, smirking, and laughing. I just grinned and shook my head.

A few minutes later, Cameron announced the first number, and I got lost in the music. That’s how it’d always been for me, no matter what kind of band I’d played in. It was like a release of endorphins and always so damn liberating.

The next time I looked out at the audience, the landscape had changed. The bar was packed and there were certainly more couples interspersed with the usual groups of rowdy guys and girls. My father seemed to be making the rounds, speaking to different tables. For all I knew, he was surveying them, asking if they were enjoying themselves.

When I searched for Rachel, my eyes immediately zeroed in on some dude in the seat next to her, running his mouth and motioning with his hands. I tried to keep my reaction neutral. I should have been surprised she hadn’t been hit on sooner. But maybe I’d been giving off a don’t-touch-her-she’s-mine vibe.

Dakota was watching me, so I motioned to Rachel and her admirer, and she wiggled her eyebrows. Must have been the co-worker she was talking about setting Rachel up with. I nodded my approval, even though it took everything in my power not to throw down my instrument and knock the dude on his ass.

Cameron leaned over to ask if I wanted to try out the tune I’d played for them in practice the other day. I’d written it during the sleepless nights in my room, instead of seeking out Rachel or smoking weed. I was the most sober I’d been probably in years and had written one of my favorite pieces in the process. Go figure. And though she’d never know it, I’d secretly named the song after Rachel.

“Sure,” I said. We had nothing to lose, playing something new in this venue. If you were a skilled musician, it was easy to cover up mistakes. You could adjust rather quickly, even if you hit a wrong note in the same scale.

I began by plucking the first few tones, and the band followed. My eyes stayed glued to my temporary band mates so they could follow my tempo changes if one of them strayed.

The song had more of a blues vibe to it, a bit of a departure for this band, but I could tell they liked it. It was earthy and soulful, and I even hummed a couple of words into the mic. The song was personal, only I knew the lyrics, but I thought we pulled it off pretty well.

It wasn’t until the number had finished and we stood to take a break between sets that I heard the applause. The bar was giving us a rousing hand, and my eyes landed on my father, whose face was lit up.

As I neared the table my family and friends were seated at, Shane clapped me on the back. “You guys sound good, man. Haven’t heard you play in years. Loved it.”

Dakota gave me a thumbs-up, and when my gaze clashed with Rachel’s, she had this faraway look in her eyes. The guy next to her was chattering away, but she wasn’t even paying attention to him. Her eyes were trained on me, which sent my stomach into a free fall.

Dakota broke in with introductions. “Kai, this is Andrew. He works in Accounts Payable.”

Andrew held out his hand, and I shook it. “Oh yeah, hey.”

He turned to say something to Shane, and my eyes landed on Rachel’s again.

“Proud of you, Kai.” Rachel held up her hand to give me a high five and my palm met hers in midair. She grabbed on to my hand and pulled me in for a hug.

In my ear, she whispered, “That’s the song you’ve been playing every night.”

“Yeah,” I said, surprised that she recognized it. It had been so long since we’d been this physically close; I just wanted to stay wrapped up in her—smell her skin and kiss her neck—but I pulled away instead. “What did you think?”

“It was amazing,” she said. “I like how you sang a bit of it, too. I never knew you had such a cool voice.”

I reveled in her compliments. I’d sing for her every night if she asked me to. “Thanks.”

Mom gave me a strange look as I left Rachel’s side. Then she blew me a kiss as I inched past her to the bar to order myself a drink.

Sam was seated on a stool next to my father and a few other off-duty casino employees.

“Nice job, son,” my father said, grabbing my shoulder. I knew our set probably sounded decent, but hearing my father say it had been exactly what I needed. “You’ve got us a good crowd tonight.”

When my father turned to talk to the bar manager, Sam said, “Yeah, you play a mean bass.”

“Thanks, Sam,” I said. “How’s Micah?”

Rachel had come to visit Micah with me the day she’d been discharged. Even though we had to wear masks, she sat and talked to him in the visitor’s lounge for a while about his interests, school, and friends. I could tell she’d felt as emotional about his condition as I had. He was a young kid and already had so much to deal with in his life. I could see the stress of his mounting medical bills on his family member’s faces.

“He’s having a good week,” Sam said.

“Glad to hear it,” I said, spotting a familiar face in my peripheral vision. It was Meadow from Housekeeping. She looked different in street clothes. Gorgeous, in fact, with her long hair, dark eyes, and sweet figure. Still, I craved Rachel’s scent and lips and eyes—which tonight were a leafy green, vivid and clear and pure.

As Meadow and I chatted, I couldn’t help glancing over her shoulder at Rachel, who had returned to her conversation with Andrew. I tried not to pay them any attention, but the heaviness of her presence was in this bar. The tension pricked at my spine and settled in my bones.

And maybe this was exactly how it was meant to be. Me, permitting Rachel the space and freedom to discover relationships with new guys. Just what Dakota had said she needed.

I’d allow Rachel that. She probably deserved it. So I’d play along and act interested in whatever Meadow had to say.

Chapter Thirty-two

Kai

Walking into the Pure grand opening, I could tell from the window display alone that this was all Rachel’s doing. Rachel’s shop. It might have been her mother’s business but Rachel’s style was written all over it. The front windows were warm browns and bright pinks—strong and feminine, just like her.

I pulled open the glass door as the bell above it jangled, but the sound could barely be heard over the din of the crowd. The place was crammed with family and friends and more than a few new faces. So packed, in fact that the windows were steaming up.

I was greeted at the door by Rachel’s mom, who was passing out lip balm samples. She pulled me into a hug. “You’re looking just as handsome as always. Thanks for coming.”

“I wouldn’t miss it,” I said, staring into the attractive face of Mrs. Mattson. Rachel was definitely her likeness with her dark hair and bright green eyes. “The place looks great.”

“Rachel sure knows how to decorate a space. And pack a room, for that matter,” she said, looking over the crowd. “I couldn’t have done it without her. I’m sure going to miss her when she returns to TSU in a couple of weeks.”

I spotted Rachel across the room in a girly, yellow sundress and my breath caught in the back of my throat. She was laughing with Dakota, a wash of color splashed across her cheeks. She looked relaxed, carefree and stunning.

“It’ll all work out,” I said, when I noticed the worry line between Mrs. Mattson’s brow. “I know you’re nervous, but she’s tough and independent. She’s been through way worse and the university isn’t that far away.”

“You’re a good friend,” she said, patting my arm. I definitely was trying to be again.

A few high school friends were there, including Julia, who’d texted me a couple more times since I’d been home. I’d met friends up at the bar a few nights, and each time she’d been there, I’d turned her down, but she was sure to try again. And maybe tonight I’d play along.

Yeah, right.

I watched as Andrew, the dude who worked with Dakota, stepped up to hand Rachel a drink. A smile tugged at her lips, just as jealousy yanked at my heart.

I tried to keep my head and think about this realistically. Andrew was a nice guy and seemed to be in to Rachel. Dakota had been pushing Rachel into dating again and I couldn’t tell whether she was seeing Andrew to prove something to Dakota or to herself.

I knew that Rachel was trying to get back in Dakota’s good graces, but I also wondered if she was losing herself again. Or maybe I just couldn’t handle the idea of her being with someone else.

Andrew had picked her up at the condo a couple of times in the past several days. I’d listened from my bedroom door, refusing to be in the same space as the two of them—because if I was, I was liable to do something irrational, like fling Rachel over my shoulder, all caveman style.

She never invited him over afterward, but for all I knew, they spent time alone at his place during those nights. And I couldn’t help the torment of wondering if she’d kissed or touched him the in same way.

I needed to stop being so naïve. She’d had plenty of guys before me—I hadn’t been special. I’d been only convenient. Maybe too convenient.

She’d be leaving soon anyway, and then who knew what the hell might happen.

Besides, I had my own shit to figure out, decisions to be made—and very soon.

Rachel’s gaze met mine from across the room as her mother showed me Zen organic something-or-other shirts. Her face brightened but then crossed over to hurt, and my chest tightened into a fist. As if she’d remembered that my friendship came at a cost—that it was still a complex and tangled mess—and I hated that I brought forth those emotions.