Rebel's Bargain

‘I closed in on myself when my mother died. You tried to comfort me but all I could think of was how she’d turned herself inside out explaining away her husband’s behaviour. I saw myself doing the same and knew I needed to distance myself, keep some emotional independence if I was going to survive.’

‘That’s why you told me to fly to Kathmandu for the climb I’d planned?’

Poppy shrugged. ‘You wanted to. You didn’t take much persuading. When I mentioned it you were off like a shot.’ Her gaze snagged on his face. ‘You didn’t love me.’

‘Is that what you told yourself when you went to bed with your precious Mischa?’ An undercurrent of anger turned Orsino’s words into a deep rumble, as if tectonic plates shifted beneath the earth’s surface.

‘It’s no excuse. Like grief and red wine on an empty stomach were no excuse. But yes, I thought it.’ Poppy wrapped her arms tight around herself as she blinked back tears she refused to let fall.

‘I was worn out and desperate. I loved you so much it terrified me. I’d just buried the only other person I loved. I told myself I had to learn from her mistakes.’

‘You say I was one of them?’ His tone was grim.

‘Weren’t you?’ Her head reared up. ‘If you’d really loved me would you have been so eager to race away with your mates to climb a mountain on the other side of the world? Mischa was the one left to pick up the pieces.’

Poppy shook her head, her brief flare of anger dying. ‘I was a fool. I was miserable and furious and drunk. I let him hold me and comfort me and—’

‘You’ve said enough!’ Orsino spoke through gritted teeth. Even in the gloom she saw the tense line of his clenched jaw.

‘No, Orsino, I haven’t. You wouldn’t let me explain then. You just turned on your heel and left me there, alone.’ She gulped. ‘I tried for months to reach you. Letters returned, calls unanswered, emails unopened. You did a brilliant job of cutting me out of your life.’ Pain throbbed through her. ‘I tried again the other day but you made it clear you didn’t want to know.’ Poppy breathed deep and told herself the only way was forward. She refused to play by Orsino’s rules any more.

‘What you refused to hear was that, though Mischa and I kissed—’ she couldn’t believe she blushed ‘—though we ended up on the bed together, we did not have sex.’

Her words died into complete silence. Nothing moved, not even Orsino.

‘When he touched me I realised it wasn’t Mischa I wanted.’ The tears she’d held back so long leaked silently down her cheeks. ‘It was you. I wanted you to hold me. I needed your arms around me. Your voice saying you’d take care of me and it would be all right.’

Still Orsino stood as if turned to stone.

‘That was when I realised how badly I was using him, my only real friend, because I couldn’t have you. Because the man I loved didn’t care enough to stay with me. And because I’d pushed you away.’

Poppy lifted a palm and swiped the wetness off her cheek. ‘When you found me in the shower I’d stripped off my clothes and was trying to wash his touch off. I felt so … unclean, so guilty that I’d let what started as genuine sympathy get out of hand.’

‘But you admitted you’d been with him!’

Poppy wiped her other cheek with a trembling hand.

‘You’d already stalked in, ranting about seeing Mischa leave half undressed. I told you we’d kissed in the bedroom and that I regretted what I’d done. Before I could say any more you turned without a single word and walked out of my life.’

The memory spurted fury into her blood. How could he have left without hearing her out?

She jammed her hands on her hips, waiting.

‘Why tell me this now?’

Poppy’s head jerked back at the harsh crack of his voice. But she refused to be cowed or silenced again.

‘Because it still matters to me. I told myself it didn’t—that you, we, were in the past.’ She drew herself up and met his regard unflinching, despite the churning fear in her belly. ‘I was wrong. It does matter because I never stopped loving you.’ Her words were defiant. ‘That’s why I had to tell you the whole truth.’

Because she’d hoped there was a chance to build something better from the ashes of their past.

Poppy thought Orsino’s silence would break her. It went on so long every nerve stretched taut.

But it wasn’t the silence that destroyed her.

It was his words.

‘No! You’re lying. It’s not possible. It can’t be.’