A Whisper of Disgrace

For a while she felt dizzy and overcome by the most delicious wave of torpor. Her fingers crept up to his shoulders and began lazily to knead at the flesh there. She wished that she could capture that moment and bottle it, knowing that if she could it would sustain her for the rest of her life.

‘You were a virgin,’ he said at last, breaking the silence.

‘Yes.’ A pause. She prayed that would be enough because she didn’t want to break this delectable mood, but his dark eyes were hard and questioning and, reluctantly, she shrugged. ‘I told you that on the plane.’

Kulal rolled away from the cushioned curves of her body and shook his head. He remembered the first time he’d ever had sex, at the age of sixteen—and afterwards the palace maid had given him a hand-rolled cigarette. He remembered the way the rough tobacco had scorched its way down into his lungs and he had never smoked since, but now he found himself wishing that he could inhale some of that sickly sweet smoke and make himself dizzy.

‘I didn’t believe you,’ he said slowly. ‘You certainly didn’t act like an innocent.’

‘Blame the drink.’

‘And what else do I blame, Rosa? Or should that be “who”?’ He lifted her chin with his finger and the green and gold flecks in the depths of her eyes looked bright and vivid. He saw the uncertainty which flickered across her face, that strange vulnerability which appeared when you least expected it, and he shook his head in disbelief. ‘You’re twenty-three years old and you’ve never had sex with a man before today?’

‘I thought we’d just established that.’

‘I’m asking why.’

‘And do you always subject your lovers to questioning, straight after …’ She thought about how best to phrase it. She knew that people called it ‘making love,’ but there’d been no love involved in what had just happened, had there? ‘Straight after having sex with them?’ she finished baldly.

‘Up until now, no. But then up until today I’ve never had a virgin—or a wife, come to that.’

‘Bit of a double whammy?’ she questioned flippantly.

‘You can wisecrack until the sun comes up, but I’m not going to be satisfied until you’ve answered a few of my questions.’

Rosa wriggled uncomfortably, because she didn’t want to think about it. She didn’t want to think about anything. All she wanted was to hang on to this delicious warmth which was still pulsing through her body. She wanted to cling on to the amazing memory of what had just happened until it happened again, but she could see from the hard glint in his eyes that he had no intention of letting her avoid his questions. Why was he so damned persistent? she thought.

‘I lived a very restrictive life in Sicily,’ she explained. ‘It’s not unusual there, even these days, for a female to be wrapped in cotton wool until she is married. I was the only girl and I had two fiercely overprotective brothers, except that they …’

Rosa’s words trailed off and Kulal heard the sudden bitterness which had crept into her voice. ‘They what?’

Rosa pursed her lips together, her first instinct to come up with some fabrication about her past, but what was the point of telling lies? If she shocked him with the ultimate truth, then maybe the marriage would be even shorter than either of them had intended. Except that suddenly she realised she didn’t want it to be. She felt as if they’d only just started on their own particular journey and she wanted more of it. Even if it wasn’t real, she wanted more of that stuff which felt like intimacy.

‘They’re not my brothers. I’ve just discovered that they’re actually my … half-brothers.’

He frowned. ‘I don’t understand.’

How could he possibly understand when she was still having difficulty grasping the facts herself? So that now she would be forced to say out loud the words which still made her want to retch. ‘That’s why I ran away from Sicily,’ she said, and drew in a ragged breath. ‘Because I found out something which rocked my whole world.’

‘Go on,’ he said.

She stared at him, wishing more than anything else that what she was about to tell him wasn’t true. But it was. True and horrible and irreversible. She swallowed. ‘There was a huge family gathering—a wedding which never happened—and my mother got drunk. Very drunk. I could hear her shouting, even above the sound of the music, but I couldn’t quite make out what was being said. And when I did, well—’ She swallowed down the bitterness which had taken up residence in her throat. ‘I couldn’t believe it.’