Shame Me Not

“I’ll be your normal.”

My eyes widened.

“Let’s try something else. Dates. Normal, sweet, gentle sex. No control. No sadism. I’ll be your normal.” He punctuated his words by thumping his chest.

“Kevin.” I shook my head. “You can’t, and I wouldn’t ask you to give up something that is so much a part of you.”

“You’re a part of me, Ana.”

“Kev—”

“What about you?” he changed tactics when he saw I wasn’t going to respond the way he’d hoped. “What about how this is a part of you? I see how you crumble under the weight of hiding it, and making decisions you just want someone else to make. You need someone to take care of you. I can take care of you.”

“No, Kevin. I can’t be with you.” Biting my lip, I fought for the next words to say, knowing I asked a lot after turning him away. “I was hoping we could just . . . just be friends. I need your friendship.”

His laugh answered my suggestion. “Seriously? Just friends?”

“You’re my best friend, Kev. I can’t lose that,” I begged.

He stepped closer and pointed at me. “We are more than friends. I can’t just be your friend and watch you be with someone else. Can you honestly say that you could watch me be with another woman?” He stepped into me, leaning down to whisper in my ear. “Knowing I’m giving her what you want?” His lips grazed my cheek, moving to brush against the corner of my mouth. “Knowing I’m giving her what you need?” He pulled back and answered for me. “No, because we love each other. I love you, Anabelle.”

As though a bomb went off between us, exploding from my chest, I stumbled back from him. I shook my head, fighting off the words trying to seep into me. The shock of hearing the words for the first time, hit me in my chest and dropped to my stomach. They vibrated through my body and the more I tried to process them, the angrier I got. How dare he?

“No. No, Kevin. You don’t get to drop that on me every time I walk away. It’s not fair.” Clenching my fists, I fought to control the shaking. Fought to get hold of the situation and storm raging through me. I stood tall with my chin high even though my voice still trembled. “You’re my best friend. That’s it. Please don’t take that from me.”

I watched his shoulders sag. He’d known me long enough to know what it looked like when I put my foot down. He knew defeat when he saw the conviction on my face.

“I’m sorry, Ana. I can’t.”

I can’t, I can’t, I can’t. It was the only thing I heard and it took my strength and broke it in half. I held my spine straight, but it meant nothing as my face crumbled and I let the tears fall. My chest shook with the effort to hold back the sobs trying to break free.

“I want to be with you.” His voice shook like he was holding back his own tears. “I love you and I want you. But it’s all or nothing. You need to pick one.”

“Kevin, you know I love you. You’re my best friend, but I can’t—”

He held up his hand. “Don’t answer now. Think about it, and come to me when you’re ready to decide.”

Not giving me a chance to respond, he stepped against me again and pressed a hard kiss to my lips, doing his best to press his will into me. I stood and accepted it, trying to remember the way the softness of his lips felt against mine. Trying to remember the way his bottom lip fit perfectly between my own. Trying to remember every last bit and cherish the finality of it. He pulled back just enough to whisper his final plea, letting it brush against my mouth.

“Pick me, Ana.”

Then he turned and left. The door clicked shut and the sound hit me like a bullet in the back. I fell to my knees and watched as tears fell into my open palms. I wanted to call him back and tell him how much I loved him, but it wasn’t fair because I couldn’t give him what he needed. Telling him to leave was the right choice, I knew that logically. But in that moment as I heard the click of the door over and over, it felt like everything was wrong.

A knock at the door brought my head up and I climbed to my feet, pulling myself up using the back of the couch, stumbling across the room. Had he come back? Had he realized it was a mistake to turn away from our friendship? What was I going to do when I saw him on the other side of the door? Fling myself at him in relief that he’d come back?