Shame Me Not

“I can’t lose you either.” I felt like I was losing a part of something special now, but losing that was better than possibly losing all of him. I wouldn’t survive.

His heavy exhale blew my hair back from my cheeks. “Are you mad?”

“No.” I squeezed his hands to reassure him—reassure myself. “No. I agree one hundred percent. But,” I added, wanting to keep our newfound connection open and have a safe place to talk to each other about our secret. “Let’s be there for each other. I don’t want to feel alone, and I don’t want you to feel alone in . . . in what we did. So, if we need to talk about something, we can talk to each other. We don’t have to pretend nothing ever happened.”

His eyes swept the room, avoiding mine. Doubt crept in that maybe he struggled with this decision as much as I did. I tracked the way his Adam’s apple bobbed on a heavy swallow before he finally looked at me. “Deal.”

Despite my doubt and reservations, my cheeks stretched into the first smile I’d had since Friday and it felt perfect. As soon as it was sorted, without missing a beat, we fell back into who we always were.

“You want to play a PlayStation game?” he asked.

“I don’t know. You want to get your ass kicked?”

Chapter Ninteen

Kevin

“Have you started filling out college applications yet?” Ana asked.

“Yeah. And it’s a pain.”

“Where to?” She set her pen down and I did the same before leaning back in my chair. We’d been at the library for an hour studying for a math test and I was ready for a break.

“UC, of course.” Pretty much everyone local applied to the University of Cincinnati. “That’s my top choice. It’s home and I like it here. What about you?”

“Same. I want to stay close to my mom, and I can’t imagine her being without me. Which is dumb because she’s an adult—one who struggles to make decisions—but still, an adult.” She rolled her eyes and sighed. “And then, of course, Vanderbilt since I’m trying to appease my parents.”

“It would be awesome to go to school together. Both of us at UC.” Just the idea of remaining close to Ana sent a thrill through me.

“Yes, please! Please don’t leave me to college all alone.” She flopped her head on the table, her blond hair spilling out across our books, her words muffled by the wood. “I would never survive.”

I laughed. “Dramatic much?”

Ana lifted her head just enough to let her hair fall aside and raised her blue eyes to mine. “Excuse me, Mr. Popular. Not everyone is skilled at making friends like you are. You’re like an all-American, everyone-wants-to-be-around-your-awesome-aura, friend-making machine.”

“One: that’s pretty descriptive. Two: you make friends easily.”

Ana rolled her eyes. “Because of you. You totally swooped in and introduced me to your friends. I’m pretty sure I would have been a floundering fish without you.”

“Oh, shut up,” I argued. I made the mistake of laying my hand on hers and immediately a fire zipped up my arm and into my chest. I did my damnedest to not touch Ana any more than necessary after we’d had sex. Because, no matter how hard I tried, I still fantasized about her. She was everything I’d ever imagined and more. While I don’t regret focusing on our friendship, it doesn’t mean my body didn’t remember the most amazing moments of my life. The most freeing moment I’d had in so long.

But watching my hand against her small, paler one lit me on fire and I forgot my train of thought. So, I pulled back and changed the topic. “Either way, college together will be amazing and I’m pumped to not go without you. If I can make it into UC,” I added.

“What do you mean?”

“My parents want me to apply to Stanford and North Carolina because they’re the top schools for soccer.”

“Don’t sound too excited,” she said. But her face scrunched up like she was just as unhappy as I was about the idea of being apart.

“I don’t . . .” I hesitated, not having said it aloud to anyone yet. “I don’t think I want to play soccer in college. It’s defined me so much in high school, and I kind of want to breathe and explore me. I wanted to go into college undecided and figure it out as I go.” I ran a frustrated hand through my hair and stared at the wood grain before continuing. “I get that my parents have sacrificed a lot of time and money. But I just don’t feel excited about it. I feel excited about doing something different and unknown.”

Ana’s eyes were soft and sympathetic when I finally looked up. “Kev, I’m sure it would be hard to walk away from something so familiar. And I know it would be hard for your parents to accept. But it’s your life, not theirs. And you have to do what you need. It’s your future you’re making decisions about. If you don’t see soccer in it, then maybe it’s not supposed to be there.” I didn’t know why it took me so long to tell Ana. I’d been sitting on the idea of not playing soccer since the summer and hadn’t known how to deal with it. Of course, Ana calmed whatever uncertainty was inside of me. She always did. “As long as you see me in your future, then we won’t need to change any plans. Because I will hunt you down, Harding.”