Shame Me Not

It didn’t mean I didn’t lay in bed at night and think about what I’d say to her, given the chance. Mostly, I imagined myself on my knees apologizing, begging for forgiveness. As soon as the thoughts started, it became a chain reaction. It led me to remember our intimate moments. On particularly rough nights, I would convince myself that it was all my fault. That I’d dragged her into it all. Into the sadism and rough sex. Sometimes the more rational part of my mind would tell me I was wrong, but the poison festered despite trying to put it out.

“Hey, stud,” a soft voice whispered in my ear as arms slipped around my waist. “You taking me home tonight?” I looked down into Katelyn’s large gray eyes. She pressed her body into mine and I took in her pixie face and full lips, trying to decide if I wanted to. Katelyn and I met a couple of years ago and didn’t really date as much as slept with each other when it was convenient. She didn’t mind the rougher sex, so I never felt the need to turn her down. She didn’t know the full extent of my desires to hurt while fucking since I’d decided to keep it to myself. Instead, I’d close my eyes and imagine everything I wanted to do.

Most of the time it was easier to simply abstain than try to determine if a girl could take it harder and still like it. Katelyn did, so it worked for us. She could be a little clingy, but I’d made myself clear on what we were and what we weren’t. I wanted to believe she accepted it, but as graduation came closer, she seemed to be getting more attached.

“Hey, Katelyn.” I leaned down and dropped a kiss on her forehead. She stood almost a foot shorter than me and I couldn’t deny that she felt nice tucked up on my side. I wrapped an arm around her and leaned down to her ear. “Maybe if you’re a good girl.”

“And if I’m not?” she taunted before biting her lip, her eyes glowing in excitement. We played this game often.

I didn’t respond, but instead slapped my hand hard against her ass. She yelped, but her slanted lips let me know she liked it. Standing on her tiptoes, she placed a soft kiss to my neck whispering, “I’m going to get a drink,” and walked away.

We stayed in the pub until Will got a call from another friend asking us to meet him at another bar that had a band playing that night. We downed our drinks and headed out.

“Let’s do another round of shots on me,” Jason shouted an hour later. I’d lost count of how many we’d done by that point. But the night was still young and I dutifully picked up my glass and downed the amber liquid. Looking up above the bar, the clock blurred, but I managed to see it was a little after midnight. I needed to slow down on the shots if I wanted to make it home, so I ordered a beer and water.

“Pussy,” Jason shouted, pointing at my water.

“Takes one to know one.”

He flipped me off and turned back to the girl on the other side of him. Our group formed a large crowd in the corner around the bar top. I leaned my elbows back and took it all in. Some played darts and others laughed at stories of Christmas break. It was good. I was good. It took me a long time to get there, but I was good. Finally.

I turned away from our group, gazing out at the rest of the patrons. I lifted the beer to my lips and froze. The glass nearly slipped from my fingers when I saw her back by the pool tables.

Ana.

Holy fuck. Ana.

Ana, Ana, Ana, Ana.

Her name echoed in my head. She held her drink to her chest as a guy twirled her around in a circle. She stepped back and swiveled her hips, dancing away from him.

My whole body froze as I held my breath watching her. When she tipped her head back and laughed, exposing her long neck, it was as though an electric shock jolted through my body and kick-started my heart. I had spent hours kissing, sucking, and biting that neck. My heart hammered in my chest, trying to keep up with my lungs, which were doing their best to fight off the hyperventilation my panic was inducing. I stood stock still, not moving, as my whole body burned with the need to run to her and wrap her in my arms. Nothing but a ringing sounded in my ears, the whole bar fading away, until a loud cheer from behind me erupted, piercing my bubble.

Everyone in the bar turned to look at whatever caused the noise. Everyone. Including Ana. In slow motion, her laughing face turned toward me and as if I had a pull on her, her eyes landed directly on mine. Her smile slipped away. She squeezed her eyes shut and shook her head. When she opened them, I was still there. Her arms fell to her sides and she just stood there, staring at me as I stared at her.