Shame Me Not

“It was a month before he even called to talk to me. A whole month. And the only contact I’d had before that was a random text message saying he hoped I was okay. He didn’t even try and start up a conversation. To say I’d built up some resentment over that month is an understatement. When he finally did call, I was short with him. When he called again—two weeks later—I ignored it.”

When she paused again, I looked over at her and saw her furrowed brow staring up at the stars like she was searching for an answer.

“He’s my dad. But it’s like when I turned sixteen, he was done. He’d given up completely. It’s not like he was around all the time before because he worked crazy hours. But once he became partner at his law firm a year ago, it was like he was pissed off that he had to take time to be a father and a husband. So, he just stopped, leaving me to take care of my mom who doesn’t know how to be on her own.”

My chest heaved when I saw a tear slip down her temple into her hair.

Fuck. I’d never seen Ana cry.

“It’s like I wasn’t good enough to stick around for.” More tears fell and I lay there frozen. Her hand roughly swiped at her tears. “And now he wants me to be happy with his scraps.”

She finally shifted her head to meet my eyes. Her blue eyes seemed brighter filled with unshed tears. She looked gorgeous with her blond hair tangled under her cheek and a determined clench in her jaw. She blinked a few times and the tears disappeared as though she demanded them to not fall.

Staring at her, I whispered supportive words, hoping it was the right thing to say. “Fuck him.”

There was a pause and then she smiled. It started in her eyes and spread to her lips where a laugh tumbled out. “Yeah. Fuck him.”

I didn’t know my words would have such an effect, but she turned her smiling face back to the sky and continued to laugh. I took a deep breath for the first time since she’d stormed away from her mom earlier. I listened to her laugh until I couldn’t help but join in and laughed right along with her.

Chapter Five

Ana

I’d made it. I’d finished the school year with no issues. I gave myself a mental pat on the back as I worked my way around the bodies filling up Josh’s house. He’d been elected by the soccer team to host the end of school year party since his parents were gone for the weekend.

This was the first house party I’d been to. My ex-boyfriend had tried to drag me to one, but it was close to the time when I had moved, and I was already trying to distance myself from him. We’d dated for a couple of months, but I was young and didn’t know what the hell I was doing. He was my first boyfriend ever. All I knew, was that when he kissed me, I felt nothing except maybe boredom. It was soft and timid and mentally, I’d found myself growling in frustration. I didn’t want to be constantly questioned if it was okay. I wanted to let go. I wanted him to take what he wanted from me. But I’d never said anything, because every time I tried to form the words in my head, it always sounded like I wanted to be forced; like I might be asking him to rape me.

The thought made me shudder.

Shudder from what his reaction might be.

Shudder from the thrill it zapped through my body, which scared me more than his reaction.

Fear of my own desires kept me from pursuing another relationship since coming to St. Agatha’s. I hung back and observed, making friends where I could. And in becoming this reserved, neutral person, it was easy for people to like me because they didn’t really know me.

Except for Kevin. Kevin knew me. He knew my extremes, or at least what I’d let him see, and still wanted to be my friend. He’d seen me cry and act a fool when I danced in my window. He knew when I was holding back a sarcastic retort to a comment from someone in our group, and he’d give me side-eyes with just a hint of a smile, knowing I was hiding my real reaction behind a cool façade. Frankly, I didn’t need anyone else to like or dislike anything past my laid-back persona. So, I kept it up and just went with the flow, becoming superficial friends with everyone. It sure as hell made life easier.

As I made my way from the living room to the kitchen, I was greeted by pretty much everyone I passed. It was still surreal to have so many people know who I was, but in a small school, that was how it worked. The fact that I was friends with Kevin, who was popular with everyone, helped. But I knew Kevin wore the same kind of mask I did. There was nothing extreme about his personality. He was easy to get along with, so no one tried to look any deeper.