Holding Onto Forever

“I hoped that once I started dating, things would be different. But they weren’t. Every girl I dated, I compared to Peyton. No one has ever been good enough and it’s caused a lot of drama in my life, but I wouldn’t change it. Anytime Peyton would call, I’d drop whatever I was doing and pick up the phone. I’d talk to her for hours, ignoring whomever my girlfriend was at the time because Peyton made me feel that much better. When she called and told me she didn’t have a prom date, I told her I’d take her. She didn’t ask me, I asked her. Well, I pretty much told her it was happening. Prom gave me a full night of being next to her and I desperately needed it.

“We had been dancing all night when she asked me to get a room. I did, and did it without hesitating because I thought this would be the night that I get to finally tell her that I’m in love with her, and have been for years.”

“So because you were in love with her, you took her virginity?”

“Am.”

“Excuse me?”

“I am in love with her, Dad. And that night, I thought things were going to change for us, but I was wrong. I drove her out to the cliffs the next morning, preparing to tell her everything and she kept going on and on about college and how excited she was to start. I started evaluating my life, the craziness, and figured I didn’t want to burden her and kept my mouth shut.”

Dad shakes his head. “Man, you’re not too bright.”

“What?”

He looks at me and laughs. “You take a girl you just slept with to the cliffs… Peyton probably thought you were going to tell her that what happened between you should’ve never happened. She was saving face.”

My dad’s words hit me like a ton of bricks. Is that what happened?

“Do Katelyn and Harrison know?”

“I don’t think so.” I shake my head. “Maybe Elle, if anyone.”

“You’re lucky she didn’t end up pregnant.”

I grimace. He may see it as luck, but I don’t. She’d be mine if that were the case and wouldn’t have been in Kyle Zimmerman’s car.

“What are you going to do about Dessie?”

I tilt my head and take in a deep breath. “I’m going to break up with her.”

“Whether Peyton makes it or not?”

I nod. “I love Dessie, but it’s not the same. Whether Peyton makes it or not, my heart isn’t whole without her, and Dessie deserves better.”

The music is blaring when I step inside. There are a few girls, other models I presume, lounged out on my couch, and the place is trashed. They scramble to clean up whatever is in front of them and it doesn’t take a genius to figure out they’ve been doing drugs. I try to keep my temper in check as I head toward my bedroom door. I’m not prepared for what I might find behind it but open it nonetheless.

Dessie is standing there, with her tiny bathrobe on, looking at me. Her eyes narrow as her fist flies toward my head. She’s slow and easily blocked. “What the fuck are you doing?”

“Get out,” she screams, coming at me again, but I’m able to pin her hands down and hold her to my chest. She squirms and tries to kick her way out, but I’m too strong for her. “I want you out.”

“It’s my apartment, Dessie.”

“Fine, I’ll go then.” This time I let her go and she starts pulling her clothes from our closet. All I can do is stand there and watch. I told my dad I was going to break up with her and the cowardly thing to do would be to let her go without saying anything, but I can’t.

“Dessie, we need to talk.”

“Why, so you can tell me you screwed that bitch?”

Rubbing my hands over my face, I sigh heavily. “She’s in a coma and she’s not a bitch.”

“Do you think I care, Noah?” she asks, getting into my face. “You’ve been gone for days and haven’t bothered to return a single one of my text messages or calls.” She comes over to me. I purposely avoid touching her, knowing I’m ending our relationship tonight. I should’ve known better than to assume we could be adults about this.

“I know, and I’m sorry, but I was dealing with a lot while I was in Chicago. She’s my best friend, and seeing her like that…”

“Yeah, well I’ve been dealing with a lot too while you’ve been gone.” She steps closer, backing me into the wall.

I scoff. “Like what, getting high?”

This time her open palm connects as she slaps me across the face. I deserve it, but not for calling her out for her drug use. I pull my lower lip in, sigh and shake my head. “I told you before I wouldn’t tolerate the drugs. At any given time, my place could be inspected, and yet you brought your trashy ass friends into my house and did who knows what while I’ve been holding a vigil for my best friend?”