Holding Onto Forever

“It’s not the same.”

“You’re right, but for us, it works because the alternative wasn’t exactly going to.” He smiles and doesn’t need to tell me he’s referring to the fact I almost died.

“What would you say if I told you I saw my father?”

My dad leans back and sighs. He shakes his head slightly before making eye contact with me. “First, I’d say it’s likely the drugs you’re on, but I have a feeling you’d try to convince me otherwise, so then I’d say it’s probably likely. You were on the brink of death. I’m not naïve to think an afterlife doesn’t exist and I would hope your father would be there to meet you.”

More tears come as I nod my head. “He was. I called him daddy because–”

My dad comes forward and hugs me the best he can. “It’s okay, baby girl.”

“Mom doesn’t believe me.”

He nods into my shoulder. “She’s in denial about a lot of things, right now. Be patient with her, she’s struggling and having a hard time coping with the fact she almost lost you the same way she lost your father.”

“I love you, Daddy.”

“Not nearly as much as I love you. There are never going to be enough words, lyrics or songs to accurately describe what it feels like being your dad. You, your sister and Quinn, it’s because of you, my life makes sense.”

We stay like this until my machine starts to beep. Reluctantly, I let go of my dad so he can silence it quickly. “The nurse will be in to give you some antibiotics.”

“Oh joy. Is anyone else here?”

“Yeah, Quinn, Elle, Ben, and Noah.”

“Noah’s here?”

“You don’t remember? You woke up with him in your room during the night.” My hand instantly goes to my lips and I smile.

“Can you tell him I want to see him?”

“Of course.” He kisses me on the forehead and almost runs into the nurse as she comes in with some medicine.

“You look cheery. It’s a nice look on you.”

“Thanks. This won’t put me to sleep, right?”

“Definitely not. Just going to give you a little dose to help ward off any infections.”

“Perfect.”

As soon as she leaves, I catch a glimpse of Noah walking by my window. The heart monitor machine spikes, causing the nurse to pause and look at me. When Noah steps into the doorway, she glances at him and smiles. “I’ll just close the door behind you,” she says as Noah walks into my room.

“Hey, Peyton,” he says, stuffing his hands into his jeans. Words escape me as I look at him with his mop top hair, scruffy face and dazzling smile. He looks amazing.

20

Noah

Peyton’s leg is suspended in the air, putting her toes within my line of sight. I’m tempted to touch them, but knowing how ticklish she is, I think my fun attempt at making her laugh would likely cause more harm and the last thing I want is to see her in any sort of pain because of me.

And yet, as I stand here looking at her, with her disheveled hair and mangled body, all I can think about is how beautiful she is, and how she asked for me. Of course, now I’m wondering if she called me in here to tell me to take a flying leap because, for all I know, her and Zimmerman could be a couple. And if that’s the case, I’ll back away.

“Are you going to come sit down or stand at the foot of my bed?”

I shrug and run my hand through my hair. As soon as football season is over, I’ll cut it but likely grow a beard. The grooming side of personal hygiene seems to take a backseat during both the regular and off-season. It’s a cross between superstition and laziness.

My body groans as I sit in the plastic chair. One would think with the amount the hospital charges, especially in the intensive care unit, they’d put some better chairs in here for family. But no, they seem hell-bent on making us feel uncomfortable, maybe so we don’t outstay the visiting hours, not that it’s worked for us.

“Did you win?” she asks.

I smile and nod. It’s been far too long since we’ve discussed football. “We did, otherwise I wouldn’t be here.”

She looks at me oddly.

“After last week’s loss, we got the news about the accident. I came right here with my dad, Little B and Grandma.”

“Did you miss practice or get fined?”

“Nope.” I shake my head. “But I did screw up in practice. Peyton, you should’ve seen me. I was tripping over my own feet. Throwing the ball on routes that didn’t exist. Coach was livid. He kicked me off the field, told me I disgusted him.”

“Noah,” she draws my name out.

“It’s okay. He told me if we won, he’d excuse me from practice this week.”