Holding Onto Forever

Now, I’m just pissed. Pissed at myself for being incredibly stupid, for not listening to my heart years ago when I had Peyton. I could’ve told her how I felt, but let my brain convince me otherwise. If I did, things would be different. I know they would be. I have to believe we’d be together, celebrating Christmas with our families, watching the playoffs together and rooting against each other because honestly, what’s the fun in cheering on the same team?

The roar of a motorcycle engine has me looking out into the field. There’s a single headlight, followed by two more close behind it. I toss this bottle toward the truck, waiting to hear the satisfying crunch of glass breaking before I blindly reach for another.

Headlights are left on and one car door is slammed. The ladder groans under the weight of whoever has invited themselves to my pity party.

“Can’t say I’ve been up here in a while,” Nick says out into the darkness.

“That’s because you aren’t cool,” my dad tells him.

My dads flank me, each coming at me from a different side of the tower. They both sit down and sigh. I don’t know if it’s because they’re old or the fact that they’re together. Liam and Nick get along where I’m concerned, but I suspect each man still harbors some resentment toward the other.

I pull out my phone to check the time. It’s well into the early hours of the morning and by all accounts, they should be home and fast asleep. Not climbing the water tower. “It’s late. Shouldn’t you guys be in bed?”

“We should, but we didn’t want to miss the party,” Nick says.

“How’d you find me?”

My dad sighs and Nick clears his throat. “Lucky guess,” Dad says.

“Your dad called me, said you needed us.”

I look from Nick to my dad, who shrugs. There have only been a handful of times where my dad has deferred family matters to Nick. The most important one was when my mom passed out during my little league baseball game while she was pregnant with my sister.

“Your dad thought you could use some company.” Nick leans forward and lets his arms dangle over the railing. Someday this landing is going to give way and some unlucky bastard is going to crash to the ground. The city of Beaumont gave up on repairing this tower a long time ago, knowing full well what goes on here.

“Dessie’s news is surprising,” Dad says. “Your mom and I don’t know what to think, especially considering what you told me in Chicago.”

“I’m in love with Peyton,” I say, looking at Nick, filling him in on my latest predicament. I sigh and rest my back against the tower. “I screwed up and now I’m–”

“Stuck,” Nick states. “I’m saving you from saying you’re screwed or whatever else you were going to use, because you’re not. There are ways to make everyone happy.”

Shaking my head, I reach for another bottle and pop the top. “Dessie wants to get married, like now, tomorrow, end of the week. Something about being embarrassed among her friends.”

“And do you want to marry her?” Dad asks.

“Nope.”

“Then why do it?”

I turn toward Nick and close my eyes. “She’s pregnant.” I shrug. “I don’t want…” I let my words trail off. The last thing I want to do is insult either of the men sitting next to me, but the truth is, I don’t want my child growing up without a father. Nick was always there, but everyone knew he wasn’t my dad. I heard the whispers, saw the looks, and when Liam came to town, everything changed.

“The difference is, your dad didn’t know about you, Noah.”

“I would’ve never left had I known your mom was pregnant.”

I’ve heard this before. From both my mom and dad. Doesn’t make me feel any better, though. Why didn’t she try harder to reach him? Why didn’t she go to California and try to find him?

“I don’t know if I can let another man raise my child.” I avoid eye contact with my dad because I know he’s going to take my comment personally.

“Fair enough,” he says. “But tell me this. Would you rather your son or daughter grow up in a home where there isn’t any love between the parents?”

“I… I love her.”

“As much as you love Peyton?” Nick asks.

I shake my head. “It’s different. I can’t explain it, but when I look at her and think about my child growing inside, my stomach turns. I never thought of her being the mother of my children, and now that she is…”

“You know, I thought I was in love with your mom until I met Aubrey. One look at her and my whole world shifted. I no longer counted the days since I had seen you. Instead, I looked forward to bringing her back to Beaumont to meet you. Aubrey was who I was meant to be with and it took your dad coming back to get me to open my eyes. Can you imagine if I had never gone to Africa?”