Losing It

“You want to be like me?” he asks.

“Hell no.”

“So why you following in my footsteps?”

“If I was following in your footsteps I’d be praying she died in an explosion.”

“I don’t pray for anyone’s death,” he says.

“Uh-huh.” I motion to the speakers. It’s a new song, but it’s also about the ex. The singer is still claiming he doesn’t care about her. He cares so little he wrote another song about her. He’s as full of shit as Chase is.

“Stop deflecting.”

“But it’s fun.”

“You want to be her boyfriend?”

I flip him off.

He chuckles. “That’s as good as a yes.”

“She’s leaving in ten days.”

“So?”

“So, what the hell am I going to do with her two thousand miles away?” I ask.

“They don’t have tattoo shops in Chicago?”

“I can’t handle winter.”

“They don’t have med schools in California?”

Fuck, these are valid points. I hate that he’s making valid points. I can’t tell him to fuck off. Well, I can. But his stupid suggestions will still infect my brain. “I can’t ask her that.”

“Why not?”

“Because…” It’s asking way too fucking much.

“Because you’re an idiot?”

“You’re an asshole.”

“Not news.” He leans in to turn up the stereo right as the singer belts out something about his ex sleeping with a new guy. And how dare she. Even though they’re broken up and he has no claim to her.

Though, well, I kinda see the singer’s point.

Quinn has every right to tell me to fuck off and find a new guy, but the thought still makes me sick.

Chase continues, “I’m an asshole. You’re an idiot. She’s way too good for you.”

“Obviously.”

“Where do you want to go right now?”

“Besides for a drink?”

He chuckles. “You got a strong sense of irony, kid.”

“Thanks.”

“Where?”

“Loving hanging out with you.”

His laugh gets louder. “Say I insist on dropping you off somewhere. Who would you want to see?”

“Her, but that doesn’t mean anything.”

“Doesn’t it?”

Chapter Thirty-Six

Quinn

The doorbell rings.

“Hey.” Wes’s voice flows through the wood. “Can we talk?”

Maybe.

I want to listen, but there’s so much going through my head.

I want him here. I want him gone. I want to stop falling for him if I don’t have a safe place to land.

But I really do want him here.

“Sure.” I pull the door open.

Wes is standing there in his usual jeans and t-shirt outfit, but he’s not his bright self. His expression is worn. Tired.

“Is your mom okay?”

“Depends on your definition.”

“You want to talk about it?”

“Later.” He steps inside. Moves closer. Close enough to wrap his arms around me.

Then he does.

He pulls my body into his.

Kisses me hard.

Fuck, he tastes good.

Like coffee and sugar.

I want to kiss him forever.

I want to stay here forever.

But the taste of his lips doesn’t change anything. “Wes, I’m sorry about your mom, but—”

“I don’t know if I want to be your boyfriend.”

“Okay…”

“No, I do.”

“Oh.”

“But this is a big deal.”

It is.

“One of us will have to uproot our life.”

Either he asks me to stay here, or I ask him to come to Chicago. There’s no compromise. Not really.

“It’s a big ask.”

“Yeah.”

“For you too.”

Yeah, I want him to commit.

But I’m as fuzzy as he is.

I can’t fault him for his lack of clarity.

His palm cups my cheek.

I lean into the tender touch.

My eyelids flutter closed.

God, I want to soak him in all day.

But I can’t.

Not when everything is so… what the hell is it?

His voice is soft. “I can’t ask unless I’m sure.”

“Me either.”

“I guess we have ten days to figure it out.”

I nod.

“And, well, I was thinking about your bucket list.”

“Yeah?”

“We have a lot to fit in.” He pulls me closer. “Can you give me this weekend?”

“I have to pack.”

He nods. “I’ll help.”

“Okay.” I don’t know what to say. I want to spend this time with him. I want to hold him as close as I can. And I want to pull back to protect my heart. “What about Vegas?”

“We can go next week.”

“I’m supposed to leave Thursday.”

“I know. You’d have to fly out of MacCarran.”

There’s no reason why I can’t.

Hell, it will be easier.

I can pack up my life. Send it to Chicago. Escape the dread in Sin City. At least for a few days.

A last hurrah before I kiss freedom goodbye.

Before I kiss Wes goodbye.

Or maybe…

God, if he asks me to stay.

What would I say?

“Okay.” I nod. “I’ll make the arrangements.”

“You sure you’re okay with this?”

No, but I’m not okay with giving him up either. “Yeah.”

“You know what this means?”

“What?”

“You need to come on my face now.”

My heart thuds against my chest.

Yes, I want that.

I want to make him come.

To connect.

To be here, in this moment.

No more talk about all these new possibilities.

They’re exciting, yeah, but they’re terrifying too.

I…

Fuck, I can’t think about it now.

I can’t think at all now.

“Angel?” Wes cups my hip with his palm.

“Yeah.”

“That okay with you?”

“Absolutely.”

I float off the fucking ground.

Our connection charging the air between us.

Making it more electric.

This could be more.