The First Taste

Sure enough, there’s a giant octopus in a cylindrical tank.

He’s pressed to the glass. Suctioned to it, I guess. The poor guy just can’t let go.

Or maybe he doesn’t want to.

Maybe he doesn’t need to.

What’s the difference?

I snap a dozen photos. Open my texts from Holden. Tap a message.

Daisy: He says hi too.

I go to pick a photo, but none of them are right.

This isn’t right.

I need to…

Do something.

I’m not sure what it is, but it’s not this.

I delete the words. Turn my phone off. Find my dad at the shark exhibit.

Then I soak up my last night with my family around.

I know, as a native Southern Californian, I should hate the bay area. Find every opportunity to insult it.

I certainly shouldn’t be at UCB.

Even if it’s the best UC in the state.

But even as we sit in traffic all morning, I can’t bring myself to complain God, this traffic is even worse than Los Angeles.

Because it isn’t. Not really.

And even if it was—

Oliver was right.

The closer we get to Berkley, the more I remember. This town is amazing. A hippie college paradise a short ride away from a sprawling city.

Sure, it’s not as warm. It’s farther from the ocean. It’s crowded and expensive (not that the UCs really scale their dorm rates to cost of living) and way too far from home.

But it’s thrilling too.

My nerves rise with every mile.

My excitement does too.

By the time we park in the designated unloading area, I’m bursting. I grab my backpack. Skip to the dorm.

It’s crowded with parents, siblings, students.

People lugging suitcases, moving small appliances, arguing over where to get dinner.

And there, leaning against the concrete railing.

Holden.

Chapter Forty-Nine

Daisy

He’s as tall and broad as ever, but he looks a little worse for wear.

Like he hasn’t slept in days.

Like he can’t stand a single inch between us.

There’s only one reason why he’d be here.

Or maybe I…

Maybe I’m not seeing something.

“Hey.” He runs a hand through his shaggy hair.

“Hey.” I tug on my backpack strings. This is weird. Like my daydreams have come to life.

I pinch myself.

I’m still here.

The sky is still blue. The grass is still green. Holden Ballard is still standing in front of my dorm.

“I, uh, I wanted to say goodbye.” His voice is soft. Uncertain.

“Here?”

He nods.

“That’s a long way to go.”

“Yeah.” He pushes off the wall. “I wanted to see what it was like.”

Fuck, I need him closer.

“To see if it was doable.”

“The?”

“Drive.” He takes another step toward me. “It’s pretty fucking far.”

“Four hundred miles.”

“And traffic.”

“Yeah.” I press my lips together. “There’s a train too.”

“That’s even longer.”

“Or a flight.”

“Then you have the airport.”

“Yeah.” I swallow hard.

“It’s far. But it’s doable.”

My breath catches in my throat.

“Fuck, I…” He looks up at the sky. “I tried to talk myself out of this. Even now, I’m not sure if this is the right move. It’s selfish, coming here, asking you to consider this. To consider me.” His eyes meet mine. “I should give you a few weeks. I should give you a chance to soar. Outgrow me. Meet some future venture capitalist who’s gonna sell a billion-dollar company.”

“Should you?”

“Yeah.” He nods. “I should have stayed in the car. Stayed in my apartment. Gone to work instead of canceling my appointments.” He takes another step toward me. Then another.

His fingers brush my wrists.

Then his hands are on my hands.

I look into his eyes.

He stares back at me with those gorgeous green eyes. “If I was a better person, I wouldn’t be here. But I’m not a better person.”

“Holden—” I don’t know what I’m asking, only that I need an answer.

“I love you.”

“You love me?”

“Yeah.” He stares into my eyes. “I know it’s not fair, dropping that on you. But I had to say it. I had to look you in the eyes and say it and know it was true.”

“You love me?”

“Yeah.” His breath is shaky. “I really do.”

“I…” A million things run through my head. “So you… you’re here to what? Say I love you and leave?”

“Maybe. I didn’t really think past the first part.” His laugh is soft. “I was too nervous.”

“Oh.”

“And I… It was fucked up. So I should go. Give you until Thanksgiving. Or Christmas. Or next year. Or maybe I should step out of the fucking way—”

“No.”

“You have this big future and I—”

I press my lips to his.

He mumbles something into my mouth. Then his hands go to my hips.

He pulls my body into his.

My lips part for him.

His tongue slips into my mouth.

He kisses me like he’s claiming me. Like he knows I’m his.

I am.

God, I really am.

Holden pulls back with a heavy sigh. “But we—”

“I know.”

“You—”

“I know.”

“You’re gonna spend all your time missing me. I can’t let you—”

I kiss him again. It’s the only reasonable response.

“Fuck.” He digs his hand into my hair. “You taste so fucking good.”

“You too.” Like chai. My favorite taste. Forever.