Southern Sunrise (Southern 4)

“It’s a surprise,” Kallie says, smiling. “Come in and stop acting like strangers.” She looks at me. “This is your home.”

I look down, unsure as to what to say. “Is Dad home?” I ask, my voice low. Kallie looks over at me, and she has tears in her eyes.

“He’s in the shed,” she says. “They’re all going fishing tomorrow, so he’s making sure he has everything ready. Go out there.”

I nod and look over at Emily, who just nods at me. “You’ll be fine.”

“He doesn’t have his gun, does he?” I ask Kallie, and she just laughs. Yeah, he always has his gun on him. We were taught very young that if there was any danger, we had to run the other way while Dad ran toward the danger. I step out into the backyard and see the play structure he built for me when I was three. It looks like it hasn’t been used in years. I don’t have to walk far when he comes out of the shed, and when he sees me, he stops in his tracks. I’m suddenly back to when I was five years old, and all I wanted to do was hug my father.

“Hey,” I say, lifting my hand. He just looks at me, almost as if he’s scared to say anything to me. “I was wondering if we could talk,” I start. As soon as the words are out of my mouth, I say, “I can come back. It’s not that important.”

“Why don’t we go to the creek?” He motions with his head to the back of the yard, and I see the treehouse he built for me but then changed it into a real house for Amelia.

“It’s seen better days,” I say to him and walk down to the creek, both of us not saying anything. I swallow. “So how have you been?” I ask, making small talk, and it’s the most awkward fucking conversation we’ve ever had.

“You came all this way to ask me how I’ve been?” He cuts to the chase before I do, and I just look at him. “How I’ve been?” He shakes his head.

“This is harder than I thought it would be,” I say to him, and he looks down. “I’m sorry.” He looks up. “I figure before I start saying anything, I should just start with that. I’m so sorry.”

He laughs now bitterly. “You’re sorry?” He looks up at the sky. “You’re sorry.”

“I know, Dad.” When I say his name, his head snaps to mine.

“Oh, I’m your father now?” he asks, and he has tears in his eyes. “Now I’m your father. Five years ago, I was nothing to you,” he says, his voice broken. “At least that is what you said to me.” My eyes fill with tears as I see how much I’ve hurt him.

“I went to see him,” I tell him, and he looks at me. “Liam.” I don’t say that he’s my father because he isn’t. “He came to the door and didn’t even know who I was.” I think back to that day, avoiding looking at my father while I tell him this part. “I told him who I was and,” I exhale, “I don’t know what I was expecting but he just looked at me like I was a pizza delivery person. He smiled at me, and stepped out of his house to make sure that no one heard our conversation. A conversation that lasted less than three minutes.” I look at my father who just stands there looking at me waiting for me to finish before he says something. “He thanked me for coming,” I laugh bitterly, “and wished me well right after he told me that I wasn’t really welcomed.” The hurt now coming back. “When I left here, I was broken,” I say. “I drove away, and I was numb. I didn’t know what to believe or what to think.” I walk over to the rock and sit down on it. “I was so fucking lost, Dad. I just …” I put my head down. “I did stupid things,” I say. “Took risks with my life for nothing just because I thought I didn’t care if I lived or died. I went on missions that I shouldn’t have been on, but I did it because there was nothing to come back to, so it didn’t matter if I died.”

“If you died?” he says. “If you died.” He puts his hands to his chest. “Do you know what that would do to me? I had to bury one son. Do you think I wanted to bury another one? I was numb when you left. I would call your phone number every single hour even though I had the phone in my hand and knew you wouldn’t answer. I would call and leave you messages. I would call just to hear your voice.” The tears come down his face. “I wanted just a minute with you to tell you that I loved you.” I try to say something, but it’s his turn to let it all out, and I have to give it to him. I have to hear the pain he suffered. I need to accept I did that to him. “Casey found you and came to see me. I got on a plane to come to you, but then they stopped me at the gate.” My mouth opens. “Said they didn’t have anyone there with your name.” It’s then that I see everything unravel. What I did to him was so fucked up I didn’t deserve his love. I didn’t deserve anything he gave me. “I waited outside those gates for two days, and then I left. I came back here, and I would wait. I waited for Casey to give me a crumble of news. Waited every single day, not knowing if you were alive or dead. Not knowing if you needed me, not knowing if you were okay. I couldn’t help you.” He throws up his hand. “Useless, that is what I was.”