Before I Die

We spend the next couple hours dancing and drinking, until I begin to feel a bit overheated. Then Blaire and I find a seat and people watch while we sip on our fruity drinks. My drink of choice is a blueberry martini while hers is a mojito.

“I think I’m going to get another martini,” I shout over the loud music, pointing to my empty glass.

“Remember, just because the drinks are sweet, doesn’t mean they aren’t loaded with alcohol,” Blaire warns.

I laugh her off, but the minute I stand to get another drink, I feel lightheaded. My vision blurs slightly, making me dizzy, the strength of the alcohol hitting me all at once. At least I think it’s the alcohol.

“Nevaeh! Sit down! The last thing we need is for you to pass out on your birthday.”

I listen to Blaire and sit back down, realizing I probably should’ve finished the birthday dinner my mom made for us. The last thing I need is for her to find out I had to be taken to the hospital. I already got the third degree from her earlier when she and my dad came over with dinner to celebrate my birthday. Blaire let it slip we were going out tonight and my mom almost had a heart attack.

“Nevaeh, you should be at home where it’s safe and temptation isn’t knocking on your door. Do you really think it’s wise to put yourself in a position that will lead to sinning?”

I didn’t bother to argue. She would just ignore anything I said.

“This isn’t the way you were raised,” she added.

Blaire rolled her eyes but wisely kept her mouth shut.

“You need to focus on your teachings and prayers,” she continued.

I know my mom loves me, but sometimes I wonder if her love is only for the woman she wants me to be. If I stopped being that woman, would she still love me? She says she loves my brother even though he didn’t follow the path she wished for him, but at the same time, she’s constantly using his choices as an example of what not to do. She swears she accepts him for who he is, yet she’s always judging him and coming up with reasons not to see him. And if I’m honest, that bothers me. Growing up in a church, we were taught not to judge, yet so many religious folks do just that. Makes me wonder if my mother’s love really is as unconditional as she pretends it is.

“I’m going to grab us a couple of waters,” Blaire announces. I nod and watch her walk away. On her way to the bar, several guys try to stop her, most likely asking her to dance. She shakes her head and continues on her way. I’m sure her reluctance has something to do with the guy she’s been seeing the last couple of months. She swears they aren’t serious, but the hearts in her eyes when she talks about Victor tells a completely different story.

She makes her way back over with two bottles of water and sets them on the table. “Are you having a good birthday?” she asks, taking a sip of her water.

Grabbing the other bottle, I twist the top open. “I am,” I say with a smile before I guzzle down half the bottle of water, suddenly feeling parched. Blaire gives me a look that lets me know she’s aware there’s a ‘but’ coming.

“But,” she says for me.

“I just… I feel guilty,” I confess, hating that I allow my mom into my head and my thoughts.

Blaire rolls her eyes and takes another sip of her water. “There’s nothing to feel guilty about, Nevaeh. You’re having a drink and dancing. You aren’t screwing anyone on the dance floor!”

I know she’s right. I’m not doing anything wrong, but it doesn’t stop the guilt from seeping through the cracks any less. I drink the rest of my bottled water as I watch the people around me dance, flirt, and have a good time. To these people, this is the norm. A night out at a club. No big deal. But for me, it’s so much more than that.

My mind goes to my List of things I want to do before I die.

Go to a club

It’s on my list because for me, this is a huge deal, and it makes me extremely giddy on the inside, knowing when I get home later, I’ll get to check another item off my list. Especially since it doesn’t happen often. I have another item on the list: Get drunk. But as lightheaded as I’m feeling right now, I don’t think I’ll make it through another drink. On the other hand, maybe how I’m feeling is because I’m already drunk.

Feeling the sudden urge to pee, I tell Blaire I have to use the ladies’ room.