Before I Die

“How was that my fault?” I ask through nervous laughter.

“Because you’re a huge fucking distraction.”

He looks me up and down to emphasize his point, and those butterflies that have taken up residence in my belly, take off, scattering all over my chest and making it hard to breathe. In the short time I’ve been around Ethan, I’ve learned he dominates the air around him. His presence is alluring and entrancing.

He’s also a man of many contradictions—strong and masculine and confident on the outside, yet sometimes, when his eyes meet mine, they flash glimpses of emotion he keeps hidden—loneliness, insecurity, sorrow. There’s this darkness that surrounds him, a coldness that clings to him. He’s what my mother would call a sin. One that up until recently I would’ve avoided. But now… now, all I want to do is pull him toward the light and warm him up.

Ethan arches one perfect brow, waiting for a response from me, a response I’m not ready to give. Because if I open my mouth, I might just give him all of me, served right up on a platter.

“Angel,” he breathes, the nickname he’s dubbed me with coming out like a prayer, which confuses the heck out of me since I know this man doesn’t pray.

He reaches out and softly brushes his fingertips across my cheek, moving toward my mouth. Delicately, his thumb strokes my bottom lip. “Your lip looks a lot better.”

I close my eyes, reveling in his touch, as his thumb continues its path over my top lip. It’s so soft and gentle, it throws me off. It also supports my earlier thoughts—Ethan is a paradox.

His cell phone rings, but he ignores it. I open my eyes and realize he’s smiling at me, wanting me to say something. Only I have no clue what to think, what to say. My emotions are all over the place. My hormones are raging. I’m turned on, confused, sad, and scared, and I have no idea which emotion to focus on.

His phone rings again.

“Are you going to answer that?” I ask, licking my dry lips.

Ethan shakes his head, moving his warm hand to my cheek. It brings me comfort like a thick down blanket you wrap yourself in on a cold winter night.

“No,” he murmurs, locking eyes with mine.

After several long seconds, he drops his gaze, along with his hand, and it takes everything in me not to beg him to put his hand back on me. Maybe he’s not ice cold after all…

He leans closer, and I hold my breath, thinking—and hoping—he’s going to kiss me. But instead he takes the glass from the table and downs the last bit of whiskey in it. Then he grabs his phone out of his pocket, glances at the screen, and swipes to ignore it. Standing, he takes our plates and heads back into the house.

The door closes behind him, and I let out a shaky, disappointed sigh. While he’s gone, I allow my mind to wonder about what it would feel like to be kissed by him again, only this time, with nobody around, we wouldn’t have to stop at just a kiss…

For a split second, I berate myself for my sinful thoughts, but then I remember I can do and think whatever I want. I’m determined to live my life differently, which means pushing the boundaries I’ve given myself—the boundaries my mom and God have given me.

“Promise me you’ll find your own life and live it to the fullest… Live hard and love harder.”

I promise, Stephen.

I’m getting ready to head inside, when I hear the door open and close. I twist around and see Ethan heading toward me. He’s changed into a pair of black swim shorts, and just like the pajama pants he wore last night, they teasingly hang off his hips, showcasing his fit body.

I stand and lick my lips nervously. His gaze is heated as his intense brown eyes travel down the entire length of my body, rendering me speechless as usual.

As he saunters over, my body betrays me, and I become a puddle of goo under his attention. His dark presence surrounds me, suffocating the air from my lungs.

The man who’s been consuming every forbidden thought I’ve had for the last several days stops in front of me. I take in his hard, muscular chest, toned abs, and sun-kissed skin, and force myself to take a small step back as I try and fail to find my composure.

Get a grip, I think to myself. Living your life to the fullest does not include this man. Focus on your list.

“Hmm,” Ethan mutters, taking another step forward, and then another, until we’re less than an inch apart. My brain is telling me to run, but my body is keeping me frozen in place. The scent of his cologne awakens my senses, clean and masculine and fresh, and then his cool breath hits my ear when he leans down and murmurs, “Let’s go for a swim.” A chill races through my body, making me visibly shiver.