Fighting to Breathe (Shooting Stars 1)

“I’m mad that you drove in your condition, but I’m not mad at you, baby. I’m worried about you.”

“I tried to fight it,” she whispers.

“I know you did, but you don’t have to fight alone, not anymore,” I tell her, giving her hand a squeeze.

When we pull up to the house, I get out and go around to her side and lift her out of the truck to carry her slight weight in my arms up the stairs. Her teeth are still chattering, and tears are still falling from her eyes as I get the sliding door open then closed, taking her up the stairs through the bedroom, into the bathroom. I set her on her feet so I can start up the bath. When I turn around, she’s watching me closely, looking unsure of what to do.

Pulling my shirt over her head, I toss it toward the laundry basket then do the same with her sweats, bra, and underwear. When I help her into the warm bath, tears are still falling from her eyes. I didn’t know one person could produce so many tears. Helping her lean back in the water then grab her shampoo and conditioner from the shower stall. Once I have her hair washed and begin using the conditioner, her eyes close and her teeth stop chattering.

“You can’t leave me again, Lea,” I rumble, feeling my throat go tight with emotions. I can handle a lot, but being without her ever again is something I don’t ever want to face.

“I’m so sorry,” she sobs, leaning over the side of the tub, soaking my shirt with her tears and water as her arms wrap around my shoulders. Kissing her hair, I unwrap her arms and use one of the bars of soap to wash her off quickly before grabbing a towel and picking her up from the tub. Carrying her into the bedroom I lay her on the bed. Then, pull off my clothes and get in with her.

“Did you ever talk to anyone when you left home? Ever talk to anyone about your dad’s death?” I ask her once I have her body almost completely under mine, where I know she won’t be able to get away again.

“No, I didn’t want to think about it.” She squeezes her eyes closed.

“Did you talk to your mom about it, and how his death affected you?” I ask softly.

“No, I told her I had to leave, and she made it possible for me to do it. We never talked about him, not really until I came home.”

“Yeah.” I shake my head, looking out at the view as the dark clouds are replaced by blue skies.

“I know what she did,” she whispers, and I frown, tilting my head down to look at her. Her eyes open slowly and meet mine.

“What who did?”

“My mom…I-I got a letter from her today.” I nod and she pulls her bottom lip into her mouth. “She lied.”

“She did,” I agree, holding her a little closer.

“I don’t want to be mad at her.” She closes her eyes.

“Baby,” I say softly as tears stream down her cheeks.

“I told her I wanted to come home. She told me there was nothing for me here, that you had moved on.”

Fuck! “I never moved on, Lea. I didn’t know it, but I have always been waiting for you to come home to me.”

“You’re my home,” she says, gutting me wide open. “I don’t know how to get rid of this fear, but I know I want to. I don’t want to be without you.”

“We’ll find you someone to talk to.” I assure her.

“I can’t be without you,” she reiterates.

“Then you’ll come on the boat with me. We’ll find a way to make it work until you’re strong enough,” I reassure her, running my fingers through her hair. “But you never leave me again without talking to me. The only times I have ever been afraid in my life have been the times I’ve been forced to think of a future without you.” I need her to understand that my fear is the same as hers.

“You don’t deserve that.”

“I don’t and neither do you, baby. That’s part of what you need to understand; you deserve happiness, just as much as anyone else. We deserve to be happy, Lea, to start a life together, to have babies, to watch them grow. We both deserve that,” I whisper the last part, and her body shakes against mine as new tears fall from her eyes. “The tears are killing me,” I tell her, kissing her forehead.

“I haven’t stopped crying. I don’t know what’s wr-wrong w-with me.”

“You have a lot you need to let go of. You can cry as long as you need to,” I reply, resting my hand over her stomach.

An hour later, when the tears haven’t died down and she still hasn’t slept, I kiss her forehead and move away from her. “Be right back, baby,” I whisper to her. She nods, curling into a ball and hugging my pillow against her chest. Grabbing a pair of sweats, I pull them on then find my phone and take it with me downstairs, where I call Keith and ask him if he can get me something that will help her sleep. When I get back upstairs, she’s still crying while staring out the window.

“Is everything okay?” she asks as I hand her a bottle of water.

“Keith is going to stop by and drop off something to help you sleep,” I tell her, helping her lie back down. She nods, but doesn’t say anything, just watches me closely. Twenty minutes later, the doorbell goes off and I kiss her forehead again, muttering “I’ll be right back. When I reach the kitchen Keith is looking through the glass door with his hands in his pockets and a concerned look on his face.

“She okay?” he asks, when I open the door.

Running my hand over my head I shrug. “She hasn’t slept. I don’t know how much of our history you know, but last night, I got stuck out in the storm. It took a while to make it into port, and by the time I got home, she was almost catatonic. She’s been crying since then, if not before, and she hasn’t slept.”

“Christ,” he mutters, looking toward the stairs. “Do you want me to check her out?”

“No, I don’t think that will help right now,” I tell him, and he nods then hands me a small bag.

“I put two pills in there. If she needs more after today, just have her call and I’ll get her a prescription.

“I appreciate this, man.”

“No problem. Let me know if you need anything.”

“Will do,” I say, watching him leave, then I head back upstairs.

“What’s this?” Lea asks as I hand her a pill and the bottle of water I sat on her bedside table earlier.

“A sleeping pill,” I say, brushing some hair off her forehead. She nods, puts it in her mouth, and then takes a gulp of water. “It will all be okay, Lea.” I lie back down with her pulling her into my arms.

“I know.” She snuggles into me as I run my fingers up and down her arm. Only when she’s breathing evenly and her body has relaxed against mine do I feel myself relax. I know it’s going to take sometime for her to be okay but I know that we just made it through the worst of the storm.

Turning my head, I let my eyes roam over Lea as she stands at the mouth of the living room. Her hair is up on top of her head, and her eyes are no longer red from crying, but still look soft from sleep. “Hey.” Her soft voice washes over me, and I stop stirring the soup and hold out my hand towards her.

“Come here, baby.”

She moves to me slowly then wraps her arms around my waist and presses her face into my bare chest.

“How are you feeling?”

“Better,” she mumbles, kissing over my heart.

“I was going to bring you some food.”

“Can we eat outside instead?”

“Sure, grab some bowls,” I tell her, pulling the sourdough bread out of the oven then filling both bowls with clam chowder, putting both on large plates.

“What would you like to drink?” she asks.

“Just grab me a water, baby.” I say walking out to the deck, setting both the plates down on the table then pulling out her chair before she takes a seat.

“It’s so nice out,” she says, looking out at the water that the sun has just began to set over.

“Ben and Rhonda stopped by while you were sleeping. They said they would be by in a couple days,” I tell her, watching as she nods, fills her spoon, and takes a b

ite.

“Did you tell them what happened?” she whispers, sounding unsure and sad.

“Look at me, Lea,” I say, waiting for her gaze to meet mine. “I didn’t tell them, but you have no reason to feel embarrassed. They’re your friends and are worried about you. You scared them yesterday.”

She nods and lowers her gaze again. “I’m going to ask Rhonda if she knows anyone in town that I can talk to.”

“I think that would be good, baby,” I agree softly.

“My mom told you what she did, didn’t she?” she asks, while her eyes are glued on the view.

“She did.” I agree feeling my fist tighten around the spoon in my hand.

“When?” she prompts and I drop my spoon and place my hand on her thigh. “Is that why you changed your mind about me, about us?” She asks softly turning to look at me with fresh tears in her eyes.

“We were inevitable, Lea. Even if your mom would have kept her secret, I eventually would have gone after you.”