Pocketful of Sand

A lump of emotion clogs my throat. I know what’s coming. I know that no matter how perfect, how beautiful his life once was, the dream ended in tragedy.

“She was the most beautiful thing I’d ever seen. Emmy looks so much like her it hurts. Black hair, big green eyes and she had this perfect little mouth. Like a cupid’s bow.” In profile, I can see Cole’s lips quirk at the memory. It only lasts for a few seconds, though. Soon, they’re pulled down at the corners again. “I spent every minute I could with her until football practice started, but then I had to work. After that, my life was all about the game. Nobody tells you that it can consume you if you’re not careful. They don’t tell you about the pitfalls. They don’t warn you about all the attention and all the parties and celebrating. The fans and the groupies. And I was too young to know. Or to care, really.”

Heavy. The air feels so heavy with dread that I could probably cut it if I had a knife.

“I’d practice during the week, but on the weekends, it was a whole other world. Drinking, parties, private jets. But I was with my teammates, so it was work. Teambuilding. At least that’s what I told myself. It got to where I rarely ever saw my family. I felt guilty. Guilty as hell. That’s why I started bringing Brooke and Charity up here. We’d play house for a few days, build sandcastles, cook burgers and that would buy me some time until I felt bad again.” He pauses and a small smile tugs at his lips, briefly. Like before. “When it was good, it was really good, though. Brooke and I got along. And Charity…I could never have asked for something more wonderful. We’d stay on the beach for hours building sandcastles. She loved it. And before we left, she’d stuff sand in my pocket. Every time. She said it was so we could take some of the happy with us.”

I close my eyes, emotion welling within me. Now it all makes sense. And my poor heart feels like it might collapse.

When I open my eyes to focus on Cole, I see that his lids are closed. Closed against the pain, against the memory. Or maybe he’s savoring those happy times. Happy times that ended so, so badly.

I get up, hesitating for less than a heartbeat before I step closer to him, drawn by an irresistible force. A force named Cole. He continues as though I never moved, as though he’d lost in the past.

“I wasted so much time. On alcohol and parties. On people who never mattered. Time I could’ve been spending with her. It…” Cole sighs and shakes his head like he’s shaking off a bad thought. “I haven’t touched a drop since she died. Not one. Until last night.” Another pause. “Until you.”

I don’t know what to say to that. I feel like I should defend myself, but I don’t know how. I don’t know what I’ve done or even if it’s really my fault that he fell off the wagon.

“When Jordan told me that Jason didn’t come home the night he came here…when I saw his truck parked here in the morning…Jesus! I wanted to hurt somebody. Jason mostly. The thought of him putting his hands on you…his mouth…” Cole closes his eyes as though the vision is physically painful. “I haven’t felt anything in a long time. Anything. Except grief and loss. And that’s the way I wanted it. I felt like it was…it was…penance almost. Like I owed that to my little girl. Never to be happy again since she couldn’t be here. But then I met you.” When he turns, his eyes melt into mine, his lips twisting into a wry smile. There’s no humor there. Like he said he didn’t want me in his head, I get the feeling that he doesn’t exactly welcome what’s between us. “You make me feel all sorts of things. Too many things. Things I never wanted to feel. But you just wouldn’t stop. You just. Wouldn’t. Stop.”

I take a deep breath. “I-it’s not like I’ve done this on purpose, Cole,” I say, becoming angry. Why is he making this out to be a bad thing? And my fault, no less? “I didn’t come here looking for anyone either. I just wanted–”

My words are cut off by his finger coming to rest against my lips. “You didn’t have to do anything. You just had to show up. With your big gray eyes and that lush mouth. God, that mouth! I thought I’d go crazy if I couldn’t kiss you. Just once. But then once wasn’t enough.” His expression turns dire. “I was furious. With you. With myself. So I went and got some Wild Turkey from Bailey’s. Jordan must’ve taken that as a green light because she showed up later with more. I didn’t say no. I should never have even started. But I was so…God!” He runs his hands through his hair again, his eyes fierce.

My stomach sinks. “So she did stay? Jordan, I mean?”

“Just for a little while, but then I made her leave.”

“S-so there’s nothing between you?” I ask hesitantly. I want him to say no so badly.

He looks at me like I’ve grown a second head. “Me and Jordan? God no! She’s sweet, but she’s…just no.”

I shrug. “I didn’t know.”

“No, you wouldn’t know that you’re the only woman I’m interested in. You wouldn’t know that you’re the only woman I’ve been interested in in a very long time. That’s why I was so angry about Jason.” He takes a deep breath, his eyes pleading. “Please tell me that there’s nothing between you two.”

My heart is pounding so hard I wonder if he can hear it. It’s thumping in my ears and vibrating in all my fingertips. “No, there’s absolutely nothing going on between me and Jason.”