Fight or Flight

I knocked and pushed it open, my eyes drinking in the space. To my left was the kitchen with an island. The cupboards were dark walnut with white-and-gray-marble countertops. The kitchen blended seamlessly against the walnut flooring that ran into the open-plan living space up ahead. From my position, frozen in the hall/ kitchen, I could see a large gray corner suite and coffee table. But what really grabbed my attention was the floor-to-ceiling windows that made up the back wall. One of the windows was actually a door that led out onto a balcony that sat above the water. You could see Boston Harbor across the way.

Very nice.

To my right was a closed door, and up ahead to the left was another closed door.

There was no sign of Caleb.

“Hello?” I called. “Caleb?”

Two seconds later the door up ahead to the left opened and Caleb sauntered out. I was vaguely aware that he had emerged from a room with a bed in it, but only vaguely aware because he was walking toward me wearing nothing but a worn pair of jeans and a scowl.

“Did you fuck him?” he asked, his voice harsh as he came toward me. I took a wary step back, hitting the front door and inadvertently causing it to shut behind me.

The fact that he’d so easily intimidated me pissed me off. With a scowl, I pushed off the door and marched around him, giving him a wide berth. I felt his glare on my back as I strode into the living room. The sofa was facing a large flat-screen TV mounted on the wall opposite the windows. On the wall adjacent was an open door that revealed another bedroom. The wall opposite that, the one next to what I was now assuming was the master bedroom, since Caleb had emerged from it, had fitted floating shelves. They mostly contained books. Another surprise.

Ignoring his seething anger, I looked out over the water, envious of the view, before coming to a stop at the bookshelves. The man was a reader. From what I could tell, he enjoyed crime novels, thrillers, classic and modern sci-fi.

“Nice place,” I finally said, turning toward him. He was standing in the middle of the room, still glaring at me. His greeting echoed in my head. Did you fuck him?

Why do you care?

I stifled a heavy sigh. “I didn’t sleep with Leo. We didn’t even go on a date. I called him just after you left to cancel. FYI, you’re officially a Neanderthal.”

The glare softened into a look of neutrality but not before I saw the flicker of something that revealed a truth that equal parts terrified and thrilled me.

I saw relief.

It was there in his eyes for just a second.

Moreover, I now knew Caleb well enough to know that he only ever slipped on that damn blank mask of his when he was determined to hide the depth of the emotions he was feeling. “I don’t want to sleep with other people. I’d like whatever this is to be exclusive.”

He didn’t say a word.

He didn’t have to.

One minute I was standing by his bookshelves; the next I was bent over the arm of his sofa, the breath knocked out of me as he fumbled for the zip on my jeans. As he yanked the jeans and underwear down my legs, cool air hitting me in all my vulnerable areas, I gasped, shocked by the deep, tugging wave of desire in my belly—I felt like I should have been upset instead of turned on.

“Caleb?” His name came out on a harsh breath that didn’t sound like me. My heart rate had shot off into the stratosphere and with it my breathing, my chest rising and falling in excited/ scared heaves.

I tried to straighten, but the force of his body against me kept me bent over, my fingers curling into the back of the sofa to keep me steady. The sound of his zipper lowering made me shudder in need, and then he gripped my hair in his fist to hold me, while his other hand caressed my ass.

His fingers trailed a teasing path down the curve of my bottom to between my legs, and my excitement escalated despite my misgivings.

“I’m clean.”

Understanding what he meant, I could only nod, confused, too confused to be thinking clearly.

A mere second later he pushed into me and I cried out at the swift invasion. But as he moved in me, an uneasiness triumphed over my lust. We’d never had sex without a condom, but we’d had sex like this before and I’d enjoyed it. Yet right then, not being able to see his face—being faceless to him—felt wrong. It felt like he was making a point to cover up his earlier jealousy.

It felt like he was telling me I was just a body.

And all the heat leaked out of me.

Tears pricked my eyes before I could stop them.

It shouldn’t have shocked me that Caleb sensed the change in me immediately, but it did. I suspected most guys would have been too blinded by their own pleasure-seeking to notice. Instead he was so attuned to me, he knew instantly the moment I stopped enjoying myself. He withdrew from me completely. He let go of my hair to grip my hips with both hands. “Ava?”

I shook my head, afraid if I spoke I’d start to cry.

“Shit,” he bit out. “Ava?”

When I continued to remain silent, he cursed again, and then I heard the sound of the zipper on his jeans. This was followed by him inexplicably removing my shoes and then my jeans and underwear from around my ankles.

I glanced down over my shoulder to protest, but the words were halted when he suddenly stood and swung me up into his arms. Instinctively, I wrapped my arms around his neck, but I couldn’t look at him. I felt his eyes on my face and I wondered if he could feel how fast my heart was beating. Wearing nothing but my sweater, I found myself carried into the large master bedroom, noting wearily that the floor-to-ceiling windows continued in here, as did the balcony.

“Caleb,” I whispered.

He laid me gently on the bed but didn’t give me space. At all. He settled over me, between my legs, his body braced above me by his hands at either side of my head. And he frowned down at me, his eyes studying me with an intensity that made me breathless.

“What just happened? Was it because I didn’t want tae wear a condom? You’re on the pill, right? I’ve seen you take it.”

Determined to be as honest as I could with him while still protecting myself, I attempted to keep the hurt out of my voice as I replied, “No. I mean, yes, I’m on the pill, but it’s not about the condom or lack thereof. It just … that felt a little too much like sex between strangers.”

His brows pulled together. “Explain.”

“I was never going to overanalyze the fact that you didn’t want me sleeping with Leo. Okay. You don’t like to share. Great. Got it. I don’t like to share either—that’s why I called it off with Leo. But—” I sucked in a breath, forcing the tears away, the emotion, so he wouldn’t know how much he could toy with my feelings. “That didn’t feel like how it normally feels. It felt like you were proving a point. Like … I could be anybody. That I was just a body to use.”

Anger suffused his features. Caleb was Pissed with a capital P. I wanted to sink into the mattress to melt out of his sight range.

“No matter what is going on between us,” he bit out, “I would never treat you like some faceless whore.”

I flinched. “Then what was that out there? Why did it feel different?”

Caleb pushed up off me so that he was kneeling between my spread legs and scrubbed his hands over his beard, letting out a grunt of frustration.

“Caleb, I’m always honest with you.”

He glowered at me and didn’t respond for what felt like ages. Then finally … “I was jealous. You’re right. I just … I wanted tae wipe any thought of that arsehole out of your head. It wasn’t anything more than that.”

“It was. It was supposed to be punishment sex. For making you feel more than you want to.”

“Jesus Christ, do you just say everything you’re thinking, Ava?”

I couldn’t tell if he was mad at my honesty or in awe of it. I think maybe a bit of both. “You can feel possessive of someone without it having to mean anything serious,” I answered, attempting to reassure us both. “We have a great sexual connection. It makes sense that we’d be covetous of it.”

He seemed to process this for a second, and then he leaned over me again, bracing himself above me. His mouth hovered over mine and he said softly, “I’m sorry I made you feel like you were being used. You’re the last person I want tae hurt, wee yin.”