Fight or Flight

He looked up at me now and the tears he’d been holding at bay spilled down his cheeks. “The worst part? She said she’d lost the baby when she was out shopping with a friend. She pretended tae be devastated for about two weeks, until her friend decided I had the right tae know the truth. When I confronted her, Carrie tried tae deny it at first … until she couldn’t keep the lie up any longer. I asked her why. Why did she do it behind my back? And she told me it was because she was afraid of what it would do tae her physically and emotionally. She said she still wanted tae have kids but later, when we were older, and even then she wanted tae get a surrogate and employ a nanny. Have you ever heard anything like it? That someone could be so vain, so selfish, so cowardly, she’d kill the life inside of her without talking tae me about her fears. She would take my child from me, knowing I’d already lost my wee brother, she would add tae my grief. And then think I’d still want her. How the hell did I not see it?”

“I’m sorry,” I whispered as I approached him. I kneeled at his feet and grabbed his hands in mine, needing to touch him. Suddenly I understood that the bitter grief I saw in the back of Caleb’s eyes sometimes wasn’t just about losing Quinn. It was about losing his child. “I’m so sorry.”

His pain was unbearable and in that moment I felt every stab of it myself. I felt like my heart was breaking. I wanted to hunt his ex down and destroy her for what she’d done to him.

“Wee yin,” he whispered, letting go of one of my hands to brush his thumb down my cheek. “Dinnae cry.”

I stiffened because I hadn’t realize I was, but at his words I felt the wetness on my cheeks.

And it hit me like a hammer to my chest.

I loved him.

His pain was my pain.

I was in love with him.

“How could she do that?” I wondered out loud. “How could she?”

Caleb didn’t answer. He stared at me, the tears having dried on his cheeks. He looked calmer. Finally he asked contemplatively, “Did you ever think about having kids? Before Nick and Gemma …”

This time the tears that spilled down my cheek were for me, because I’d let Nick and Gem take so much and now here I was, in love with a man who was afraid to love anyone. “I gave up on that dream a while ago.”

“Aye,” he whispered, holding on to my hands tightly. “Me too.”

Twenty-seven

There are many different kinds of love in this world. I knew that. Silly me, however, to think I could control my complex heart by telling it what kind of love it was allowed to feel.

You’re not allowed to love a man romantically, I told it.

I’ll do what I want, it eventually replied.

Reeling by how heartbroken I felt for Caleb and the obvious conclusion that I had fallen in love with him, I was the perfect companion for him that evening. Lost in the emotions I’d forced him to face, we sat together with the TV on but neither of us really watched the movie. We were handling our own feelings but with a reassuring presence beside us.

Moreover, he didn’t ask me to leave and I didn’t tell him I was going to. Instead we got into bed together and for the first time we just held each other until we fell asleep.

I thought it was beautiful.

The beginning of something.

Little did I know it was the biggest mistake I’d made with Caleb thus far.

When I woke up in his bed the next morning, I was alone. I quickly washed in the bathroom and put on the wrinkled clothes I’d worn yesterday. I wandered out into the apartment only to be greeted by a pajama-clad Jamie eating a bowl of cereal. He swallowed his food at the sight of me.

“Morning, Ava.”

“Good morning.” I searched the apartment but there was absolutely no sign of Caleb. “Where’s your brother?”

Jamie frowned and stared determinedly ahead at the television as he replied, “Oh, he asked me tae tell you that he got called into the office. Some emergency.”

There was something off about the way he said it, but I didn’t know him well enough to know if he was lying. Still, my heart began to pound and a queasy, uneasy feeling began to roil in my stomach. “Will he be gone all morning?”

“All day.”

“Oh.” What the hell was going on? “Right. I’ll get going. See you later.”

“Bye, Ava.”

There was something in his tone that made me look back at him. As if he was really saying good-bye. But he was still watching the TV like nothing out of the ordinary was happening, so I shoved away the thought, assuming I was paranoid.

As it turned out … I was not at all paranoid.

SATURDAY, JUNE 2, 4:43 P.M.

Ava: Hope everything is okay at work? Are you free tonight?

Caleb: In middle of crisis. Looks like I’ll be working well into the night to fix it.

Ava: Okay. I could swing by the office with food and coffee if you need it?

Caleb: No, we’re fine.

SUNDAY, JUNE 3, 2:23 P.M.

Ava: Crisis averted?

Caleb: Getting there.

Ava: Call me when you’re free.

TUESDAY, JUNE 5, 7:36 A.M.

Ava: Free for lunch?

Caleb: Not today.

FRIDAY, JUNE 8, 9:32 P.M.

Ava: I’m at the bar at Canterbury, hanging with Harper. Come meet us.

Caleb: Busy. Sorry.

Ava: We need to talk.

Caleb: I’ll call you tomorrow.

SUNDAY, JUNE 10, 10:01 A.M.

Ava: You didn’t call.

Caleb: Busy week. I’ll call you later.

I stared at my phone, my friend’s chatter with the real estate agent background noise to my growing anger and frustration. That was putting it mildly. The last week of Caleb avoiding me had filled me with such anxiety and outrage it was a wonder I was able to focus on work at all. He made me feel like a clingy girlfriend.

I just wanted him to be honest, even if that honesty was going to break my heart.

The studio apartment we were standing in was the one in Caleb’s building. It was on the second floor, had a view of the water from the windows in the kitchen/ living room/ bedroom, and the entire thing could probably fit into Caleb’s living room on the sixteenth floor.

For its steep rental price, it was a tiny 460 square feet, but it was thirteen hundred dollars a month cheaper than my rent and it came with security personnel and access to an indoor and outdoor pool, sauna, and gym.

“I’d feel safe here,” Harper said, spinning slowly around in the space.

It was our third viewing of the apartment, and because I sensed Harper was on the verge of choosing this place I decided I needed to fess up to her.

“Could you give us a minute?” I asked the real estate agent.

He nodded. “I’ll be outside.”

I waited until the apartment door closed behind him and turned to an expectant Harper.

“What’s up?”

Although her wrist was still in a cast and her ribs still hurt, she was looking a million times better. I was glad. It was hard to look at her all bruised and battered and not want to kill someone. “Confession time.”

She frowned. “Okay?”

“Caleb lives in this building. His brother Jamie is staying with him indefinitely too.”

“Why didn’t you say anything before?”

“I didn’t want it to affect your decision and I liked how secure this place was. But it’s not up to me and you should know that you’ll probably see them around if you rent this place.”

Harper nodded, the excitement dimming from her eyes as she surveyed the space again. I waited as she walked slowly over to the window and stared out across the water at Boston Harbor. “What must they think of me?”

“Not at all what you’re thinking they think,” I said instantly. “They were angry for you, Harper, not at you.”

“Then I shouldn’t be afraid to face them.” Her shoulders straightened and she turned to me, looking determined. “I can’t let other people’s opinions sway my decisions. And I can’t let Vince win that way, you know. Time to be brave.”

I nodded in agreement.

“I feel safe here. I’m taking it.”

“I’m glad.” I gave her a relieved smile.

“And you”—she stepped toward me, her expression sober—“you need to be brave too, Ava. No more letting Nick win. Because that’s what you’ll be doing if you don’t tell Caleb the truth. You need to tell him that you love him.”