The Fragile Ordinary

The thought of getting up on that stage gave me nervous butterflies. Poetry, any piece of writing or anything a person created, was a window into their soul. When people got up on that stage, they might as well strip off their clothes and be naked. Except baring your soul was harder than baring skin. Skin was just skin. If you pierced it, you bled then you bandaged it up. It was harder to recover from an injury to the soul.

And yet, staring into Tobias’s bright eyes, seeing his pride in me, seeing his belief in me, I thought maybe I could do it. Tobias reading my poetry had brought us together. Nothing negative had come from him reading my words. And I think that was what had given me the courage to approach Mr. Stone. The stage at Pan was a different kettle of fish.

“Someday,” I eventually said, “Maybe...if you talk to your mum about how you really feel.”

The light dimmed in his eyes and he pulled his hand from mine to settle back in his chair. His sullen expression probably should have warned me to back off. Instead I pressed him. “You’re still so angry with her, Tobias. And with your dad. Maybe if you tell your mum why you’re so angry it would help. Just put it out there.”

“Oh, like you’ve told your parents why you’re pissed at them?” he argued.

“Kyle tried to come down on me about you sleeping over after Dean’s party. I told him being a parent was an all-or-nothing deal and he’d made it clear over the years that he wanted nothing to do with me. He couldn’t change his mind to suit himself.”

Tobias raised an eyebrow. “And?”

“And what?”

“What did he say?”

I shrugged. “I slammed the door in his face.”

He studied me thoughtfully. “That sounds like an unfinished conversation.”

“At least I said something.”

“So you want me to yell at my mom and slam a door in her face?” He grinned. “Already got it covered.”

I tried not to smile, because this was serious. My boyfriend would go through life with a giant chip on his shoulder if he didn’t try to resolve his issues with his mum. “Tobias.”

He sighed, drained his coffee and stood up. I stared at him, wondering if I’d pushed him too far and he was going to leave me sitting in the café all alone. If that happened, I might cry. We’d had such a wonderful day up until this point. Why did I have to push it?

However, Tobias put his beanie back on and held out his hand to me. “It’s getting late. Let’s go back and ride the Ferris wheel.”

Relief flooded me and I grinned so hard that when he pulled me to my feet, he didn’t let go. Instead he cupped my face in his hands and whispered, “Your smile kills me.”

“That’s good though, right?”

“It’s the best thing in my life,” he answered and followed it up with the sweetest kiss.

As we walked out of Pan heading back toward Princes Street, I was filled with immense gratitude that I’d found Tobias. We could have discussions and disagree and he wasn’t going to hold it against me. We could just be ourselves and love each other without fear that we had to change or hold ourselves back or mute a part of our personality.

We loved each other.

This was real love, I decided as he hugged me close to his side. It had to be.

Because nothing had ever felt more real in my entire life.

* * *

Steph made me proud as she strutted her stuff and sang her heart out as Roxie Hart. Despite our differences, it was impossible not to feel excited for her as she took over that stage. Everyone in the cast paled in comparison to her. She had this energy and magnetism up there that she didn’t have in the “every day.” Acting brought her to life, and I could see big things for her in the future.

It was the last night of the school show’s run that week and just a few days before Christmas Eve. We’d had our last day of classes today and the auditorium was filled with the same feeling our classes had been—giddy joy and cheer. It was a lull before the storm. We would have our fifth-year prelim exams in mid-January, just a week after returning to school from the Christmas and New Year’s break.

I sat with Vicki, who was here with both her parents. There was no tense atmosphere between them, no awkwardness that I could detect, and they were getting along well enough. I had hope for Vicki. So much hope.

When the final curtain fell and my hands ached from clapping, Vicki and I grinned at each other.

“Should we tell her how good she is? I’m afraid it might create a monster,” Vicki joked.

“We should tell her. She deserves to know.”

“Yeah.” She smiled fondly. “Our girl is going to be a superstar.”

“Well, that was great,” Mr. Brown said as we stood up to leave. “You two find Stephanie to congratulate her and we’ll get you at the car.”

Vicki and I wandered out into the corridor outside the auditorium and waited at the double doors that led backstage. “Do you think she’ll change fir—”

“So tell me the truth. How was I?” Steph interrupted.

I spun around, suffused by happiness for my friend. She stood grinning at us and Vicki and I impulsively hugged her. “You were brilliant.”

She laughed in my ear and the three of us hugged each other tight. When we pulled back Steph wore this triumphant look, still somehow managing to be pretty despite the harsh theater makeup she was wearing that looked good onstage but not so much up close. Plus, she was all sweaty. But no wonder! She’d danced her ass off.

“Really,” I said. “Just fantastic, Steph. I’m so proud of you.”

Steph beamed. “Thanks. They’ve already promised me a part in the summer show.”

“Of course they have. They’d be idiots not to.”

“You guys are the best!” she squealed in delight. “Okay. I have to go backstage and get cleaned up. Mum and Dad are taking me out for celebratory dinner. I’ll call you guys later.” We hugged again and then she left Vicki and me alone.

“So,” I said as we made our way through the crowds toward the exit. “Your parents are here. Together.”

She nodded, wearing a careful expression as if she didn’t want to show she was hopeful or excited by the thought. “They’re trying. Dad is moving back in tonight, and we’re doing Christmas as a family. I’m a little bit worried, though.”

“Don’t be,” I assured her. “Nobody’s parents are perfect, Vick. But you’ve got good ones who are just trying their best.”

She frowned. “I know. I’ll try to remind myself of that when they’re arguing over how long the turkey should be left in the oven, while Ben and I munch on all our Christmas chocolate behind their backs.”

I chuckled but inside I didn’t feel like laughing. Inside, I was envious of the picture she’d painted. It sounded normal. It sounded right.

Even if I couldn’t have that in my life, Vicki deserved to have it, and I was happy for her. My friend had no idea just how much she meant to me. I hugged her before she could get in her parent’s car, although I’d surprised her, she hugged me back, squeezing me tight. We didn’t say anything, just laughed a little at ourselves.

Vicki’s parents dropped me off by the Espy, and with their well-wishes for a wonderful Christmas ringing in my ears, I walked home along the cold, quiet esplanade. The sea was rough tonight, rushing ashore aggressively, and its bad mood seeped into my good mood, dimming it.

Loneliness cascaded over me.

It always did at this time of year as soon as school let out. Christmas for me wasn’t what it was for most people who had parents. On Christmas Eve, Kyle and Carrie always threw a party for their friends and while the house was filled with music and laughter, it never seemed to reach me where I sat alone in my bedroom.

When I was younger my parents gave in to tradition, and I’d always wake up on Christmas morning to presents under the tree in the sitting room. The older I got, however, the fewer the presents that could be found under there until eventually there was only a single card with a red bow among the presents I’d bought for them. Inside the card were vouchers for the bookstore. A generous amount of money, yes, but always the same thing.