Out of the Shallows (Into the Deep 2)

“Hey,” I curled my hand around his neck, “I felt it.”

Jake studied me a moment and then whispered, “I love you.”

I gave him a weak smile, pulling him down for a kiss so I didn’t have to see the disappointment in his eyes.

Desperate to move past those three little words and the sudden disconnect between us, I broke the halfhearted kiss to change the subject. “I’m sorry I didn’t tell you sooner about Alex.”

Jake rolled off me to lie on his back. I was relieved when he curled an arm around me to pull me into his side. “It’s okay. We’re a work in progress.”

“That we are.”

Silence, not entirely uncomfortable, fell between us and I didn’t know whom I was most disappointed in—myself for being emotionally stunted or Jake for ruining the moment with another “I love you.”

Chapter Nine

In silent mutual agreement, Claudia and I didn’t talk about Lowe’s party. She knew it was final between me and Jake and that I wouldn’t be accepting any new requests to hang out with the guys. She seemed fine with that because it meant she could hide from Beck.

I was sad to lose the guys in losing Jake. Especially Lowe, despite his move to the dark side. We’d traded a few texts over the last few weeks but it was clear that our friendship wasn’t really going to go anywhere if I was hell-bent on avoiding Jake.

Senior year and studying for the LSATs were a great distraction from everything, as were Alex and Sharon who always had something planned for us on the weekend. I wanted to be distracted from Jake. He was a lost cause for me.

My parents weren’t a lost cause, however, and it was becoming increasingly difficult to deal with the estrangement between my dad and me. I think the finality of losing Jake finally broke me. After talking it over with Claudia, I packed a bag the weekend before Halloween and headed to Lanton.

Dad didn’t seem to care whether I tagged along with him to work that Saturday, which hurt my feelings since he loved me tagging along when I was a kid. I was his little assistant. Andie was never interested in cars, but I was curious about anything my dad found interesting and he loved that he could share his work with me.

It was a different story altogether now.

We got to his auto shop and instead of stopping to have coffee and donuts with the two guys on his payroll like he normally would, he went straight to work. He left me in the office with Jed Stewart, a guy around Dad’s age who’d worked for him for ten years, and Milo Atwater. Milo was a cute, slightly unkempt guy who’d been in Andie’s class at school. He’d graduated high school with his GED and come straight to work with Dad because he loved cars more than he loved anything else.

Jed frowned at the door as Dad walked out. “I suppose I’d better get to work too, then,” he grumbled, taking another sip of coffee before striding out.

I picked up a donut and looked at Milo. “You going too?”

He gave me his lopsided grin and leaned back in his chair. “Nah. We don’t start for another ten minutes.” He nodded toward the door. “What’s up with Jim?”

I chewed on the donut and slumped against the wall. After swallowing, I replied honestly, “I’m here.”

Milo raised an eyebrow. “He thinks the sun shines out of your ass. What the hell could you have done to piss him off?”

“It’s complicated.”

“Drugs?”

“No,” I laughed and shoved the rest of the donut in my mouth.

Milo smirked at me. “Sex?”

I made a face at him.

“Gambling?”

I finished eating. “No. Like I said, it’s complicated.”

His eyebrows drew together. “Now I’m curious. I want to know what the Great Charley Redford could seriously have done wrong.”

Now it was my turn to make a face. “The Great Charley Redford?”

He laughed. “Yeah. You have to know you’re kind of a legend around here. Supergirl.”

I tried not to flinch at the nickname. “I’m not perfect.”

His eyes raked over me. “I don’t know about that,” he murmured.

“Are you actually flirting with me right now?”

Eyes filled with laughter, he shrugged. “Can’t a man appreciate a pretty woman?”

“Not when she’s his boss’s daughter.”

“See, now you’re just turning me on with the whole ‘forbidden fruit’ thing.”

“I’m going to seriously kick you in the nuts.”

“There she is!” he laughed and stood up. “It’s not like you to walk around town looking like a kicked puppy. I don’t like it. It throws everything off.”

Grimly, I stared out of the office. “Yeah, well, my dad has a way of making me feel like a badly behaved four-year-old.”

“Hmm… it’s not got anything to do with that guy that was here a couple of weeks ago, does it?”

My eyes snapped to his face. “What guy?”

“That kid.” He gesticulated with a donut in hand. “The kid… you know… the kid you used to date. Jesus, I can’t remember his name.”

A wave of nausea crashed over me and I felt slightly faint as my heart rate knocked itself out of whack. “Jake? Jake Caplin?”

“Mmm-hmmm!” Milo nodded profusely as he chewed.

Jake had come to see my dad? And Dad hadn’t said anything.

I hurried out of the office and across the workshop to where Dad was glowering at a computer screen. “Dad, I know you’re working but we need to talk.”

He didn’t even look up at me. “Charley, I am working. I can’t talk.”

Maddened, I growled, “Jake came here and you didn’t tell me?”

Dad froze for a second but only for a second because suddenly, my arm was in his tight grasp and he was marching us both through the auto shop and out back into the courtyard.

“What did Jake want?” I asked without preamble.

Dad put his hands on his h*ps and stared at the ground for a bit. It took every bit of patience within me not to force an answer out of him.

Finally he looked at me, squinting against the low autumn sun. “Jake is worried about you. He was looking for answers, answers I couldn’t give him. He doesn’t seem to know why you two broke up but thinks I might be to blame.”

“Oh God,” I leaned against the building. “Everything is so messed up, Dad.”

“You want to know what I told him?”

Actually, I really wasn’t sure I did, but I nodded anyway.

“I told him maybe you broke up with him because he’s a jackass.”

I narrowed my eyes. “Eloquent, Dad.”

“What else was I supposed to say?”

“Not that,” I replied, infuriated. “I treated Jake horribly. No matter what you think of him, I shouldn’t have treated him the way I did, and he didn’t deserve that from you.”

Dad shook his head. “He was looking for answers in the wrong place—what did he expect? Only you can tell him why you broke up with him.” It sounded like a question but I ignored it.

Now that I had my Dad talking, I guess we had a more relevant topic to discuss. “You know, I came home this weekend to spend time with you. To try to mend fences.”

He cut me a look and his voice was hard when he replied, “This ain’t the fence you should be trying to mend.”

Shot down on my first attempt?

The unbending disappointment from him finally snapped something inside of me. “Are you perfect, Dad?” I yelled, jerking away from the auto shop’s wall.

“Charley, don’t start—”

“No, really, are you perfect? Can you just deal with anything life throws at you? Can you answer to your mistakes?” I sagged back against the building. “Haven’t you ever been so paralyzed, because you’re terrified whatever move you decide to make is the wrong one and it’ll just make everything worse?”

The quiet in my voice, the question, caused some of the hardness to soften in his eyes.

“You were one of my best friends,” I whispered, trying to hold down the emotion. I didn’t want to cry right now. I didn’t want to be hysterical. I just wanted him to stop hating me. “And now it’s like you can’t even stand to look at me… and I don’t know if I’ve really done anything to deserve that. I’m not perfect, Dad. I make mistakes, and sometimes I don’t know how to fix them. But you shutting me out… I feel alone.” And damn those f**king tears but they pushed forth, spilling down my cheeks. “I’m lonely.”

I heard my dad curse under his breath and the next thing he’d closed the distance between us and I was in his warm, safe, strong arms. He held me tight until my tears reduced to sniffles and then I felt him kiss my hair before leaning back to look down into my face. “Baby girl, I never meant to make you feel that way. I guess I just hold you to a higher standard than most. I ask more from you than I do others.”

I nodded and stepped back, wiping my cheeks. “I want to be the person you can hold to higher standards. I do. But I’ve gotten so stuck and I don’t how to break free.”

He brushed the hair off my face. “You start by taking control of your life, of your actions, Charley. You’ve got a few things to face and you need to take them one at a time. If I’ve been hard on you, it’s because this isn’t the Charley I know. You face things head on. You’re only going to start feeling better about yourself if you start dealing with everything. First thing…” He rubbed my shoulder in comfort. “Andie.”

I gave him a nod in agreement, sinking back against him for another hug, but in truth, my gut was churning. Facing that… I just didn’t know if I’d ever be ready.

Chapter Ten

When Dad left Edinburgh, he hadn’t changed his mind about Jake or my decision to become a cop. One great day of doing touristy stuff together and one seriously awkward and painful dinner with Jake later, Dad got on a plane back to the States. He told me he loved me and that he was glad I was okay. However, he also told me he would maybe take me more seriously if I were mature enough to pick up the phone and apologize to my sister.

I hated that I hadn’t spoken to Andie in weeks. I hated that right now she was pissed off and that she didn’t like me very much. I hated it even more that I didn’t like her very much right now. More than anything, I hated that she wasn’t there to talk to when I needed her the most. But I still didn’t feel like I was in the wrong. Stubbornly, I refused to call her, which meant my whole family was still pretty upset with me.

And Jake…

I was hurting him. I still hadn’t said I love you and each time he said it without a return, it looked like he was taking a bullet. Along with the hurt, I was beginning to sense his growing impatience. Because the truth was we both knew how I felt about him. I should’ve just said it out loud. I didn’t know why I couldn’t. It seemed my stubbornness extended from my dealings with my family to how I was handling Jake.

For some reason I believed Jake would patiently wait for my head to sort itself out.

Jake had another idea in mind.

It was a Thursday, just after midnight, and I’d just finished a paper. I was stepping out of the bathroom when I heard a key turn in the apartment door.

Surprised, I watched as Jake stalked down the quiet, dark hallway toward me.

The determination in his eyes made me gape at him wordlessly as he pushed past me and stalked into my room. “We need to talk.”

I hurried inside after him, shutting the door behind us as he spun around to face me. “About what?”

His answer was to close in on me quickly, his hands braced on the door on either side of my head so I was trapped. My heart accelerated, goosebumps prickling all over me at his proximity. “I’m done f**king around,” he said, his words almost dancing on my lips our mouths were so close. “I’ve had time to think. I made a mistake.” He pressed his body into mine and grinned triumphantly at the way my breath stuttered. I would’ve punched him for his arrogance if I weren’t completely turned on. “My mistake has been my patience. Now I’m done. I should’ve tied you to your bed until your stubborn ass was ready to admit it.” Jake brushed a kiss across my jaw and I shivered. “You love me,” he whispered hoarsely in my ear, before pulling back to watch my reaction.

I was surprised. Uncertain. Maybe scared.

But I also wanted him.

I always wanted him.

“I know you love me,” Jake persisted. “I need you to admit it so we can put all this shit behind us and start over.”

I felt a surge of annoyance at him taking the situation out of my hands. “Bossy Jake is back, I see.”

“He never left. He’s just been walking on eggshells for the past few months, scared of losing you.”

“You… scared? Puhlease,” I teased, trying to shift onto easier ground as a last-ditch effort to pull back from the destination he was forcing me toward.

“Will you stop jerking around and tell me you love me?” he growled back.

“You can’t push me to say it!”

“Why are you being such a prima donna? I know you feel it.”

“You don’t know that!” I yelled, pressing my hands to his chest again, trying to move him away.

Jake stood his ground. “I guess…” He rested all his weight into my hands, until they were flattened between his chest and mine. Our noses touched. “I guess I’ll just have to f**k it out of you. I’m okay with that.”