Out of the Shallows (Into the Deep 2)

I glared at her. “Yeah? So?”

“How do you feel about that?”

“Right now? I’m thinking I want to throw your soup on you.”

She laughed. “I’m just saying… you seem kind of pissed that he’s doing okay.”

“Not pissed,” I huffed. “Confused. I’m a little hurt it’s not killing him like it’s killing me, okay. I think he’s as upset as I am, but then he acts like he’s not.”

“A bit like what you’re doing?”

My mouth fell open.

Claudia smirked.

I threw a cushion at her. “If I want a rational conversation, I’ll call Alex.”

Chuckling, Claudia got up off the couch and started for the kitchen. “Let’s have soup.”

“Let’s talk about the TA,” I called after her.

She smiled at me over her shoulder. “I found him. He’s a grad student now. So hot. He said yes within an instant of me asking him out. Apparently he wanted to ask me out sophomore year, but he didn’t think I was interested. I have got to get less subtle, Charley.”

“Oh yeah, because you’re a real shrinking violet.”

Two seconds later, an oven glove smacked my head.

“Subtle.” I threw it back in her general direction as I opened up my textbook.

Bobb was part of Bobb-McCulloch Halls on the north campus of Northwestern. It was a plain brick building that wouldn’t have been very inviting if not for the stream of students flowing in and out and the far-off beat of music coming from somewhere inside.

“This might not be such a good idea.” I stared nervously at the building.

“We could just go back to the hotel,” Claudia suggested as she stood by my side.

It was amazing how quickly the last few weeks had flown by. I spent my days studying, answering random texts from Jake, talking on the phone to Mom and having one-worded conversations with Dad, and holing myself up in the apartment. Alex would stop by sometimes and ask me to come out for drinks, but I was steadfast on my path to reclusiveness. While I did all this, Claudia studied, ignored phone calls from her parents and Beck, and went on a few dates with Will the TA. Unusually for Claudia, she didn’t talk about the dates and I didn’t ask.

I’d spent the interim weeks between the invitation and the actual party worrying about seeing Jake again and I had no doubt by how quiet Claudia was on the subject that she was anxious about facing Beck. She had major reservations, but I knew she put them aside for me because it was my first time back in Chicago since… well, since everything.

I felt guilty being there for this party when I should’ve been there long ago for a different reason altogether.

I looked at my friend, grateful for her support. “The hotel?”

The guys had invited us to stay at their apartment while we were in the city, but Claudia and I both thought it was safer to get a hotel room.

She smirked at me. “What? We’ve gotten pretty good at running from shit.”

“True. But this we can face up to.”

Once inside we followed the posters directing us toward the party. Not that we needed the posters. The music and kids with plastic cups in their hands were like flashing arrows.

We walked through the corridors in silence, the music growing steadily louder. We passed a couple of open dorm rooms, a few people mingling inside, as we neared the central point of the party.

Gazing into the large common room, I saw a whole bunch of people I didn’t know, drinking and chatting.

I felt Claudia’s hand curl around my wrist and tighten. “You were right,” she said just loud enough for me to hear over The Killers. “Maybe we shouldn’t have come.”

She sounded pained, her eyes locked on something to our left. I followed her gaze.

It took me a moment to register what I was seeing.

And when I finally did, I felt like I was back at that first party in Edinburgh, seeing Jake across the room for the first time in four years.

In the corner, past a group of college girls, was Jake. He was sitting on a table that had been set up with plastic cups of beer and standing in between his legs was a tall, curvy redhead. She had one hand on his shoulder, her other hand clutching a plastic cup, as she grinned down at him. He wasn’t touching her, but their proximity and his body language more than made up for it. I knew he was flirting in the way his dark eyes danced, in the half smile he gave her as they talked.

“Charley?” Claudia gripped my wrist. “We can go, babe.”

It was unfair of me, right? To feel betrayed. To feel the blade of jealousy score across my chest. To feel the burn of his loss in my gut. I only had myself to blame. Six months ago he was mine.

I’d given him away.

“Oh shit,” Claudia said, “it just got worse.”

I blinked, tugging my eyes from the car crash that was my relationship with Jake, only to find my focus zeroing in on the beautiful brunette walking toward me.

Melissa.

Yup. It just got worse.

I flinched at the sympathy in her eyes as she came to a stop before us. “Claudia, Charley.” She gave us a pinched smile.

“Hey,” Claudia answered, her tone wary.

I gave Melissa a nod, not sure I was able to speak past the burning lump in my throat. It took everything within me not to look over Melissa’s shoulder at Jake and the redhead.

Melissa looked over her shoulder for me. When she looked back at me, her expression was unreadable. “Jake told me you guys broke up.”

Another score across my chest. I only just stopped myself from touching it, to see if there was an actual wound.

Jake was friends with his ex? He was confiding in her? Since when?

Her eyes softened, like she’d caught something in my expression that tugged at her compassion.

I quickly wiped my face clean of emotion.

“This is just what he does,” she said, gesturing behind her. “When he’s hurting. Specifically when he’s hurting over you.”

Why was she telling me this? What did she expect me to say? That I was sorry Jake turned into an assholey manwhore when his heart was broken?

So I didn’t say anything at all.

Melissa shifted uncomfortably. “Just try not to be too pissed at him. He really loved you.”

He really loved me? Loved.

By some strength of will, I didn’t let her know that hearing those words was like taking a bullet.

“Why do you care?” Claudia suddenly stepped toward her, her eyes glittering with suspicion. “He dumped you for Charley, so why would you give a crap about him or Charley?”

Melissa shrugged. “Time heals, I guess. And I don’t care about Charley. I care about Jake.”

The uncharitable thought that perhaps Melissa was hoping history was about to repeat itself raced across my mind. Maybe she thought Jake would whore around for a while and then end up running back to her.

Apparently that occurred to Claudia. “He’ll never care about you the way he cares about her, so do yourself a favor and get over it.”

Jake’s ex looked like she’d been punched. She stared at Claudia incredulously before looking to me for help. All I could do was stare back at her, stunned Claudia had enough bitch in her to say that. Melissa shook her head and wandered back into the crowd.

“You do realize I’m to blame for her heartbreak,” I said to Claudia.

“Yeah? Well, that right there wasn’t her being nice, Charley. That was her kicking you when you were down. Oh look, Charley catches her ex-boyfriend flirting with another girl and is obviously gutted by it. Why don’t I stick another knife in her by telling her Jake is my friend again and I clearly have plans to go after him once he’s done sampling the redhead.”

I smirked sadly at her. “I don’t even need to tap into my rage. I’ve got you to do that for me.”

“Well, ye-uh,” Claudia said, still looking agitated.

“Claudia.” I grabbed her hand. “I’ve got no right to be mad at him.” Right?

My friend’s eyes misted over. “It doesn’t mean it doesn’t hurt you.”

I blinked at the rush of tears heading straight for my own eyes and turned around so I had my back to the room and to Jake. “It’s self-inflicted. Doesn’t count.”

She sighed but let it go.

“Guys, you made it!”

Looking over my shoulder, I saw Lowe grinning broadly as he made his way across the room. I was immediately enfolded in his hug and I found my arms tightening around him without even meaning to. Tears stung my nose. “Happy birthday.”

His own arms tightened and when he pulled back, he searched my face in concern. “Babe,” he murmured.

Not wanting to make his birthday about Jake and me, I forced out a smile and stepped back to let Claudia greet him.

“Happy birthday, Lowe,” she chirped a little too cheerily as she hugged him. “Great party!” She looked across the room where a beer pong table had been set up. “Oh, I see Matt.” Sure enough Matt lounged against the wall, talking to some chick with his eyes glued to the table. Way to show your interest, Matt. “Why don’t you take Charley to get a drink while I go say hi.”

Lowe frowned as he watched her walk away and then I saw him stiffen when he caught sight of Jake across the room, still flirting with the redhead. Lowe looked back at me and I did my best to keep my face blank. I got the impression he wasn’t buying what I was selling. “Let’s get you that drink.”

I grabbed hold of the hand he held out. He led me into one of the quieter dorm rooms.

“Beck’s friends with three of the guys that room here. They opened their dorm rooms to us for the party.” He grinned over his shoulder at me as he led me toward a desk littered with beer. “How he talked them into that, I have no idea.”

“Here.” I held out a small gift-wrapped box.

His eyes lit up as he took it. “You didn’t have to get me anything.”

I shrugged. “It’s just a little thing.”

“A wee thing, Row would say.”

I flinched at the mention of our Scottish friend Rowena. “I haven’t spoken to her at all since I left Edinburgh.” Another thing to feel guilty about. “Have you guys?”

He nodded as he unwrapped the box. “She actually joined us for a couple of weeks this summer. She’s fine. And she gets that you’ve got a lot going on.”

“Still, I’ll email her when I get back to Purdue.”

Lowe opened the box and lifted out the small item inside. He turned it over and his eyes flew to mine.

“I saw it and thought of you.” I gestured to the guitar pick in his hand, my eyes on the words written across it: Play It Fucking Loud.

“Bob Dylan,” he answered quietly. “You remembered.”

Back in Edinburgh, back when I was with Jake, back when everything was good, we’d all sat around the kitchen one afternoon, talking about everything and nothing. We’d gotten onto the subject of favorite quotes, and Lowe had talked about the reported incident when Bob Dylan was playing in Manchester and someone in the crowd called him “Judas” for playing electric guitar. In response Dylan told his band to “play it f**king loud.” Lowe said he got it—Dylan’s anger, yeah, but mostly his conviction in himself and his music.

“Girls remember shit.” I shrugged it off.

Lowe surprised me by cupping my cheek and leaning into me. My breath stuttered and warning bells chimed in my head. “You make it really difficult, you know that,” he said softly, his eyes on my mouth.

“Lowe…”

His gaze flicked to my eyes. “Thank you.”

“You’re welcome,” I whispered.

He dropped his hand and took a step back. For a second or two he just stared at the pick before pulling his wallet out and sliding the pick safely inside. Once he tucked the wallet away, he handed me a beer.

“I’ve got to admit, I’ve been kind of pissed at you.”

I shouldn’t have been surprised by the comment, but still, I was taken aback by how much I didn’t like that Lowe had been angry with me.

“The way you treated Jake…”

“It was bad, I know.” I took a sip of my drink. “I told him sorry. I don’t know how else to apologize. I handled everything… well, I didn’t handle it. I let it all just crumple around me.”

Lowe sighed. “I’ve got to ask… I was there. When you walked in and saw Jake with that sophomore just now… I saw your face, Charley.”

My eyes flew to him. “So?”

“Well, are you okay?”

“I’m fine,” I lied. “Obviously breaking up was the right thing to do.”

“Charley, I know you’re lying.”

“I can’t be with him. Okay? Simple as that,” I hissed, all the hurt pouring out of me. “It doesn’t mean I’m not in pain. Or that I don’t care. So yeah… you saw my face when I saw my ex-boyfriend clearly getting ready to bed down with a leggy redhead. Did I look like I’d been slapped? Because that’s how I felt just then. Now… not so much. See, I can move on, knowing how easily it is for him to be a typical guy and start f**king his way through the sorority houses, if he hasn’t already.”

Lowe looked suddenly panicked. “Charley, that’s not what’s happening here. Just talk to Jake—”

“No, I’m done. I don’t want to talk about him anymore.” I took a shuddering breath, trying to calm my throbbing pulse. “Let’s just go enjoy the party.”

He didn’t look so sure.