Until Jax (Until Him 1)

“I have a daughter, Jax,” I remind him quietly.

“So? What does Hope have to do with this?”

“I have a kid. Dating me is not as simple as dating a girl who has no responsibilities. I have a human that counts on me for everything, a mini person who lives, breathes, eats, and needs loads of attention,” I tell him, and he stops walking and turns me to face him.

“I know this, Ellie.” He smiles, leaning in and kissing my forehead before whispering there, “I know this, and I’m still here with you right now. If I wanted to be with someone else, I could be, but I’m not. I want this. I want you and Hope.”

“You scare me,” I admit, leaning my forehead into his chest.

“You scare me too, baby,” he says, taking my hand and placing it over his heart. “Do you feel that?” he asks as his heart beats against the palm of my hand.

“Yes.”

“Twice, you’ve taken it. The first time I saw you looking so afraid, like the world was against you when you walked out of those woods alone, I gave it to you. Today, when you pulled away from the house, you took it. It knows it belongs to you, so it willingly went with you when you left. It’s yours, Ellie, if you want it.”

“You’re really good at this kind of thing, aren’t you?” I ask him, lifting my eyes to meet his.

“Never done anything like this before,” he confesses, making my breath catch and my body melt deeper into his.

“There’s so much…” I pause and lean my forehead against his chest again while locking my jaw. I don’t know why I haven’t told him about Hope’s dad. Well, I guess I do. When people find out she’s not my biological daughter, they have a tendency to act like she shouldn’t call me her mom, that I shouldn’t consider her my daughter. They don’t understand that she’s mine. No, I didn’t give birth to her, but I have taken care of her since she was just a few weeks old. I was the one who endured sleepless nights, endless diaper changes, and bottle feedings. I was there the first time she rolled over, her first step. I will be there for every first she has. She’s the one person in this world who loves me, really loves me, unconditionally. She was my brother’s Hope for a brighter future, and now she’s mine.

“You know the thing about time?” Jax asks softly, wrapping his hand around my jaw until my eyes meet his.

“What?” I whisper, seeing the look of longing and optimism in his gaze that has my heart beating a little harder.

“There’s always more of it. It’s one thing that will always be available, one resource that will never diminish. We have time, Ellie. I just need a chance.”

Could I do that? Give him a chance and risk being hurt again by someone I care about? I don’t know if I can, but my stomach hurts when I think about not trying, when I think about not seeing if, for once in my life, I can have what other people have, a future with someone, someone in my corner and at my side when I need them, someone to lean on when the road gets bumpy. I know Hope adores him, and he’s someone I trust with her.

“I want to try, but we have to take this slow. I haven’t…” I pause, taking a breath. “It’s been a long time since I’ve dated, and we live together.” I pause again, looking away, and say, “Until I can get a place for me and Hope…” His fingers tighten on my jaw, where he’s still holding me, causing my head to turn back toward him. “I don’t want it to get awkward,” I finish on a whisper then swallow from the look of raw determination in his eyes.

“Just tell me you’re in this with me.”

I can’t believe I’m doing this, that I’m taking this kind of risk, but I really don’t want to fight this pull I feel anymore. “I’m in,” I get out right before his lips crashes down on mine, pulling the air from my lungs as his tongue thrusts into my mouth, tangling with mine. My hands grip his shirt tightly, feeling the material between my fingers as his hands move, one sliding across my body right above my ass. The other drifts into my hair, where he wraps it in a fist so he can deepen the kiss before slowly pulling back, nipping my bottom lip one last time, leaving me panting for breath. When I open my eyes, his are on me, and there is no denying the happiness I see in their hazel depths.

I just hope he doesn’t regret this. I’ve never dated—okay, I did in high school, but it was two different boys, and all we ever did was kiss, so I don’t even think that really counts. Right after high school, I started cosmetology school and worked full time, so there was never an opportunity for me to date during that time. Then I was granted custody of Hope, so I was left with even less opportunity, and I didn’t want to bring random guys around my daughter.

Now, I’m a twenty-four-year-old virgin, with a kid and no dating experience. What the hell do I know about dating a guy like him?

“Now, let’s go see the flamingos,” he says, pulling me from my thoughts by putting me in front of him, my back to his chest, and placing his hands on the outsides of mine, which have automatically grasped the bar of the stroller in front of me. As we begin to walk again, I wrap my hands tighter around the bar so I don’t fall on my face as Jax walks behind me, occasionally nuzzling my neck, sending sensations through my body that cause my core to throb. Reaching the area where the flamingos are, I bend and check to see if Hope is still sleeping, which she is.

“Let’s just come back here when she wakes up,” I tell Jax over my shoulder.