One More Chance

Or for the first time. I hadn’t been nearly as strong in high school as I was now.

I’d have done anything to get back into her arms. But first I had to figure out why she didn’t want to be back in mine.

Ana

“He said permanently, right?” I asked.

“He did,” Kristi said as she folded up clothes for a display.

“So that means he’s back in town for good.”

“That’s usually what permanent means.”

“So after nine years, Tyler’s back in town for good.”

“Do we need to take a ten-minute break? You were silent all last night, and now you won’t stop talking about it.”

“What if he finds out about Brody?” I asked.

I looked over at Kristi and she sighed. She finished folding the shirt display we had set out for our summertime rush. Then she turned and locked eyes with me.

“Before we go any further with this conversation, you need to take a deep breath,” she said.

“Okay. Then what?” I asked.

“First? Breathe. In through your nose. Out through your mouth.”

I took two deep breaths in time with Kristi’s demonstration.

“Oh my gosh, I can’t believe he’s back in town,” I said as I let the last one out.

“Well, that was pretty good until the last one,” she said. “Come on, another deep breath.”

“What if he finds out about Brody?”

“Then my question would be, what would be so bad about that?”

“You’re really asking me that question?”

“Yes, I am. The time you convinced yourself would never come is here. I told you Tyler would never truly be able to move away forever. At some point in time, he was bound to come back to his hometown. I told you to prepare for that, and since you didn’t believe me, we have to prepare now. So, out of your mouth, I want you to tell me what’s so bad about him finding out about Brody.”

I was so glad my parents had told me they would keep him for an extra day. He didn’t need to be overhearing conversations like this.

“Because he left, Kristi, after saying some of the most awful things to me.”

“The two of you were eighteen and exploring relationships for the first time. Neither of you knew how to express yourselves.”

“He told me he was glad to be going to Harvard, to be getting away from me.”

“But did you really believe him? Do you really believe it now?” she asked.

“It doesn’t matter what I believe. I didn’t want a child to hold him back then and I don’t want one to hold him back now.”

“How would having a son hold him back?”

“He’d drop everything he was doing in order to try to make things work. I think at least. I don’t know. Or he might still be an angry eighteen-year-old and tell me he’s happy he left me with a kid or something.”

“So your reasons for not telling him are he’s either the biggest asshole on the planet—which we both know isn’t true—or he’d be so good of a father that he’d drop his life to help raise him?”

“It’s more complicated than that,” I said.

“Ana, you’ve been a single mother for eight years. Don’t you want some help?”

“I haven’t needed help up until this point and I don’t need it now. Like you said, I’ve done it for eight years. I can do it for eighty more.”

“But do you want to do it for eighty more by yourself?” she asked.

“I don’t need help from him, or from anyone else. I never have and I never will.”

“It wouldn’t be help, Ana. That man is Brody’s father. And your son has a right to know who his father is and choose for himself whether or not he wants a relationship with him.”

“He’s eight. Most of the time he doesn’t know if he wants a blue popsicle or an orange one.”

“So you’re telling me you’re going to keep your son a secret from his father because you don’t want to deal with the reality that Tyler may stick around? I know you better than that. I know there’s more to this than that.”

“Then shut up about it until I can sort it out, okay? I’m not ready for any of that. I’m not ready to go to my son and say, ‘Hey! Your dad magically showed up back in town!’ Or go to him and say, ‘Hey! You have a son I never told you about because you said shitty things to me, plus I didn’t want to hold you back because I love you too much!’”

“Do you still love him?” Kristi asked.

I shot her a look, but I also didn’t respond. I wasn’t ready to delve into how I felt after seeing Tyler pop up in that bar last night. I wasn’t ready to talk about what it would mean if Tyler stuck around for Brody, because I knew he would. I wasn’t ready to talk about the unresolved feelings I had regarding the way Tyler and I had left things that day after one of the biggest fights we’d ever had, and just three days before graduation.