Nothing Left to Lose (Guarded Hearts 1)

Unfortunately, our time in paradise seemed to whizz past all too quickly. On our last day, my heart sank with every item of clothing I packed into the suitcases. I didn’t want to leave. I didn’t want to go back to reality or back to our friends. The most special thing about being here with him wasn’t the view or the sea, or even the whirlpool bath with the one way glass wall that looked out over the never-ending ocean. No, it was the fact that I had Ashton Taylor all to myself, and his undivided attention. Here, I could love him without the pressure or the barriers, but once we went home again, that would have to change. I couldn’t let this carry on. I couldn’t build my life around him any more than I already did. I couldn’t allow him any closer.

Of course, I was hoping that once his assignment was finished, he’d want to remain friends, talk on the phone, maybe visit occasionally. I already had a secret fantasy where I finished my college course and moved to LA to get a job, and then I could hang out with him and Nate all the time. The only trouble with that idea was that maybe he’d already be taken by then. Maybe I’d have to watch him play house with some other girl and spoil her rotten with his little romantic gestures that make my heart ache. The thought of him with another girl brought tears to my eyes.

The vacation was the best thing that ever happened to me, but in a way it was also the worst too. If we’d never come here then maybe I never would have realised my love for him. Maybe I would be staggering along in blissful denial, and then I wouldn’t be feeling like this inside. Life was so much easier when I had nothing to lose. No matter how hard I tried, I couldn’t seem to force him out of my heart, and that terrified me because he could be taken from me at any minute and I would be powerless to shield myself from the pain and devastation. The pain doubled in my chest and I sniffed and wiped my teary face, taking a few calming breaths, knowing I was now going to have to have that painful and awkward conversation with him.

~ Ashton ~

Anna had been quiet all morning. Distant. It scared me. I wanted to ask her what she was thinking about, but something told me it was best to let her work it out. She liked to be in control and do things for herself. If she needed to talk to me or ask for help, she would.

“I’m gonna go shower, Baby Girl, then I’ll help you pack, okay?” I suggested, wanting to give her a little space.

“Sure, I’ll make a start,” she replied, turning her back on me. The disappointment that settled in the pit of my stomach made me feel nauseous. I made my way to the bathroom, shrugging out of my clothes and tossing them carelessly onto the side as I switched on the water. The spray pounded down onto my shoulders as I looked out over the ocean. I would definitely bring her back here one day as I’d promised. My mind was preoccupied with thoughts of going home, back to normality, school and far guards, so I didn’t even hear her come into the room.

“Hi, got room for one more?”

My heart leapt in my chest. I turned to see her standing in the doorway, naked. Her glorious body made my mouth water, but her face made my heart stop. She’d been crying. Her eyes were red, but she was faking a smile to cover whatever she was feeling.

I held out a hand to her and nodded. “Definitely.”

As her hand closed over mine, allowing me to help her into the shower, I looked over her face worriedly. The hurt and sadness was easy to see. When her big, brown eyes met mine, the tenderness I could see there made my heart race. I could see in her eyes that she loved me, she was scared, but she loved me. I knew it now, even if she didn’t.

Her eyes filled with tears as she reached out a hand and traced her fingertips across my chest. She pulled my face down to hers. I kissed her desperately, showing her how much I loved her, wanted her and needed her. She kissed me back with the same intensity; the kiss was so sweet it was almost too much to bear.

Every time I had been with her was incredible, but this was simply mind-blowing, it was more than sex, it was everything to me, so tender and perfect. It was as if she touched every part of my body, mind and soul, and I knew that I would want her and only her, forever. There was no doubt in my mind that we were made for each other.

I didn’t ask her what happened now, or why it happened. I didn’t need a label or anything this time. I knew she loved me, so I could give her all the time in the world to realise it.

It didn’t matter that she was about to tell me this was a mistake, that it couldn’t happen again and that things would go back to normal once we were home. I knew she was trying to let me in, she was trying to let herself love me and that was a gargantuan step for her. Even if I had to wait forever for her to realise that she loved me, I would always be grateful for this vacation. I’d got to make her blissfully happy for two weeks and that would see me through a lifetime full of hurt.

After we’d made love in the shower, I held her in my arms, not wanting to let go.

“We’d better go pack,” she said quietly after a few minutes of silence. I nodded, not wanting to make this any harder for her because she was obviously struggling with the fact that she had feelings for me. I could see how torn she was inside, and her internal conflict made my heart ache. “Ashton, when we get home…” she trailed off, looking at her feet as she wrapped the towel around herself.

“Yeah, I know, you don’t need to say it,” I said honestly. I could tell by her face what she was going to say, and that was fine, she needed time after what she’d been through.

She looked up at me, her eyes full of sorrow. “Okay good. Let’s go pack then, we need to leave in an hour or so, right?” she replied, changing the subject.