Nothing Left to Lose (Guarded Hearts 1)

“I told him, he’s back there,” he replied, motioning over his shoulder with his head.

A quick glance in that direction and I spotted Dean in plain clothes, lingering three stores away. I sighed and frowned, hating being followed around.

Just as I was finishing up my coffee, two familiar figures caught my eye through the window.

Oh God, it can’t be! Jack!

My eyes widened at the sight of his blond, unruly hair and straight nose as he sauntered across the mall in his loose fit jeans and GAP T-shirt. I jerked in my seat, confused. My heart stopped and then took off in a sprint.

But as one side of his mouth pulled up into a smile, my happiness and hope that maybe the last three years had been a dream faded, and I came back to reality with a huge, painful bump. My heart broke with loss all over again as I realised that it wasn’t my Jack after all, it was his younger brother, Michael.

Accompanying Michael was his mother, Pam… and now that they’d seen me, it appeared that they were heading straight for me. Pam smiled warmly, but my eyes just flicked back to Michael again. My whole body seemed to go cold. I hadn’t seen him for over a year, and I had forgotten how much he looked like his brother. He wasn’t built the same as Jack and was maybe an inch taller, but facially they could have been twins. And he was the age now that Jack had been when he’d died.

My hands started to shake uncontrollably, making my cup rattle against the little plate that it sat on. A little whimper left my lips because usually I had time to prepare for seeing them, usually it was on my terms and I had some warning. I’d never just run into them like this and I wasn’t sure I could deal with it.

Ashton stood quickly, gripping my upper arm and hoisting me out of my seat, pushing me against the wall that was behind me. His body tensed as he span on the spot, pressing his back against my chest and shielding me with his body, like he had that first night he came into my room when I was screaming.

“What is it?” he asked fiercely, reaching into his jacket pocket, probably holding his gun or his knife.

I whimpered and pressed my face into his shoulder, closing my eyes. I couldn’t speak. I could barely even breathe properly. Grief was overwhelming me, seeming to all come back at once so that I was drowning in it. I wanted to cry. I wanted to scream and shout and wail, but nothing was coming out. There was no escape for my sadness as it just built inside me, crushing me, filling me up.

I was dimly aware of Ashton’s cell phone ringing and him answering it in short, terse sentences. When he turned back to me and cupped my face in his hands, I looked up into his green eyes and felt my chin tremble. I couldn’t cope with it. The grief was fresh and raw again, like it had only just happened, like I’d only just lost Jack and watched him die.

“Breathe,” Ashton whispered. “Anna, just breathe for me. Everything is going to be fine. I know you’re panicking, but listen to my voice. Nothing will hurt you.” My breathing continued to come out in small pants as I dug my fingers into his sides, completely lost in grief and guilt. “Can you hear your heart beating?” he asked as he brushed my hair over my shoulder. “If you can hear your heart, then count the beats and just try to breathe so you can calm down. I won’t let anything hurt you.”

My eyes flicked to Pam and Michael, who were standing there watching me with wide, horrified eyes. Pam was crying, covering her mouth with her hand. Michael frowned and shook his head, turning to his mother and saying something I couldn’t hear.

I looked back to Ashton, swallowing my sadness. What I hated the most was the fact that I was upsetting Pam by being upset. She’d been through enough already – losing her son because of me. I needed to get a grip of myself. Doing as Ashton said, I tried to focus on my heartbeats that were drumming in my ears as he smiled and nodded in encouragement. Slowly, my breathing returned to normal as I fought my way through the emotional storm that was trying to drown me.

“I’ll ask them to leave,” he suggested, pulling away from me when my breathing was stable and I could no longer hear my heart hammering in my ears.

I gulped and shook my head. “No, don’t,” I croaked, standing up straighter.

His eyebrows knitted together as he nodded and pulled back, setting his hand on the small of my back. I forced a smile as I turned to face the mother of the boy that I got killed, and his brother, who had inherited every single feature that I loved about my boyfriend.

“Hi,” I greeted awkwardly.

Pam sniffed and smiled back, stepping closer to me. “Oh, Anna. I’m sorry we upset you,” she said kindly, wiping her own tears away. “How are you? We’ve missed you.”

I nodded. “I’ve missed you guys too.” That wasn’t the truth though. I didn’t allow myself to think about them much because it brought back too many memories. It was easier for me to blank them out altogether and not ever let myself think about them or how welcome they always made me feel.

“Can I get a hug?” she asked hopefully.

I gritted my teeth so tightly that it made my jaw ache, but nodded in agreement, letting her envelop me in a hug that was so familiar that it was like I was ten years old again and I’d just gone to her with a scraped knee.

When she broke the embrace, Michael stepped forward, holding his arms open for a hug too. A small whimper escaped my lips as I smiled through my heartbreak. When his arms wrapped around me, I closed my eyes and hugged him just that bit too tight and for that bit too long. Part of me didn’t ever want to let go.