Nothing Left to Lose (Guarded Hearts 1)

I sighed happily as we stepped out of the building. In my year that I’d been trying to go to college, I’d never once enjoyed being there, until today. Ashton’s hand closed over mine as he nodded towards the car. I squeezed his hand in silent thanks because his presence seemed to be making everything easier for me. Maybe, just maybe, it will work out here.

After a few hours at home, everything was getting on top of me again. Sitting around and watching TV was making me think too much. Sitting with Ashton, I couldn’t help but long to be closer to him. I wanted to snuggle against his side and let his heat envelope me. I wanted to press my lips against his and lose myself in the bliss of his kissing. But I knew I shouldn’t want those things at all. Guilt and shame were building up inside me because I felt disloyal to Jack for wanting things from another man that I promised would be his and his alone. Self-loathing was making me twitch in my seat. I needed a distraction and something that would make me think clearly again instead of lusting after my near guard.

“Do you mind if I go to the gym for a bit?” I held my breath, hoping he would say I could go on my own. I needed a release, and I knew he would complain and tell me to take it easy if he came with me.

He nodded immediately. “Yeah, sure. I’ll just get changed and call Dean.”

My heart sank but deep down I knew he wouldn’t have let me go on my own anyway. I followed him into the bedroom, grabbing some sweatpants and a T-shirt before heading into the bathroom to change.

Ten minutes later, we arrived at the gym with both Dean and Peter in tow. As soon as we were in, my eyes settled on the treadmill. My shoulders ached with tension as I shoved my bottle of water into the hole and tied my sneakers tighter before stepping on. As I fiddled with the buttons, turning it on to a gentle walk, my gaze flicked to Ashton. He’d chosen the rowing machine. My eyes seemed as if they were glued to him as I watched the muscles flex in his arms and legs. He’d removed his T-shirt so all of his glorious body was on display. Something deep down in my belly clenched as my mouth went dry. He looked beautiful.

He looked up then and his eyes met mine. A small smile crossed his lips, and I forced myself to turn away and stop looking. I really needed to get a grip of myself and this lust that seemed to come out of nowhere and consume me, leaving me a quivering mess. It just wasn’t right that he could make me feel like this, I hated it.

Shoving my iPod headphones into my ears, I took a deep breath and put my hand on the speed dial, slowly cranking it up until I was running as fast as my legs would carry me. I ran away from my problems and everything that was bad in my life, focussing only on the music and putting one leg in front of the other. I ran until I couldn’t even think about Ashton’s gorgeous body anymore – which took a surprising amount of time.

Having no idea of time, I could have been running for either five minutes or five hours. All I knew was that my hands started to tingle and sweat was trickling down my back, making my T-shirt stick to me. As per my usual routine, I sped up for about another minute before slowing right down, barely able to breathe.

Once I’d stopped, I slumped to the floor with my heart crashing in my ears. Knowing I was close to passing out, I put my head between my knees and took deep breaths through my nose as I squeezed my eyes shut. When my fingers finally stopped tingling and the acidic taste in my mouth started to subside, I flopped down onto my back and groaned.

When I opened my eyes again, I noticed all three of my guards were staring down at me. Both Dean and Peter wore shocked expressions, but Ashton looked incredibly angry.

I frowned, turning off my iPod as I pushed myself up to my feet, ignoring how my legs shook from the effort of supporting my weight.

“You feel better now?” Ashton snapped.

I snorted, frowning at him. “For goodness’ sake, this is why I wanted to come on my own! Don’t start giving me lectures on what’s good for my body,” I retorted, walking past him to the punch bag that was hanging in the corner of the room.

“Anna, you can’t keep doing this! That was f**king ridiculous. You were running like that for almost thirty minutes, I’m surprised you’re not dead!” Ashton shouted.

The anger in his voice made me slightly nervous, but I tried to ignore it as I slipped on some training gloves and started hitting the bag. I let out all of my frustration and annoyance. Each hit made my muscles in my arms ache. Just as I was about to throw another punch, a hand closed over my arm, pulling sharply so that I had to spin around. My eyes flicked up to Ashton’s face. He looked so angry that the frightened, little girl that I tried so hard to bury inside me surfaced immediately. I flinched, cowering away as I closed my eyes and waited for him to hit me.

His hold on me ceased immediately, and nothing happened. Tentatively opening my eyes, I looked up at him, seeing a horrified, devastated expression on his face as he stepped away from me and shook his head in disbelief. “You actually think I would hit you?” he asked weakly.

I winced, knowing that I’d offended him. “I… I… No, I just…” I looked at the floor, not wanting to admit that yes, just for a second, I thought he would hit me.

“I would never do that, ever.” He stepped back again, shaking his head. “I’m sorry, I can’t do this. I can’t watch this anymore.”

My mouth popped open in shock as he turned on his heel and walked out, leaving me with Dean and Peter. As the door slammed behind him, I jumped as a huge lump seemed to form in my throat. He left me. He promised he wouldn’t leave me… My heart immediately hurt in my chest as my stomach tightened. Deep down, I’d known it was only a matter of time before he left because everyone did eventually, I just hadn’t realised that it would happen so soon or so suddenly. I wasn’t even close to being prepared for it.