Nothing Left to Lose (Guarded Hearts 1)

Vomit rose in my throat, so I clamped one hand over my mouth and shoved myself out of his arms. I staggered out of the bed and ran for the bathroom, barely managing to make it before I emptied my stomach into the toilet. While I was being sick, Ashton rubbed my back and whispered soothing words. I pushed on his legs, pointing to the door, signalling for him to leave.

“I’m not leaving you like this,” he stated, getting a washcloth and wetting it, before placing it across the back of my neck as I retched and retched.

I squeezed my eyes shut, gasping for breath. Why that one? Why did it have to be that dream? Other than seeing Jack die on that fire escape, this one was the worst dream that usually haunted me – because right after the incident with the gun, Carter had pinned me to the floor next to the pile of my own vomit and had taken my virginity.

My whole body was shaking as I wiped my forehead, sitting back on my feet as I gasped for breath.

“Calm down, Baby Girl. Take deep breaths and calm down. Everything’s fine, I promise you,” Ashton whispered, adjusting the cool cloth on my neck.

My chin wobbled as I looked over at him sitting on the floor next to me. I could see the pain on his face; he looked helpless, like he didn’t know how to help me. At that moment, my body reacted instinctively. I whimpered and threw my arms around his neck, holding him tightly as I sobbed against him.

He groaned, wrapping his arms around me and rocking me gently until I finally managed to calm down. When he moved to pull back, I shook my head in protest, clamping myself against his chest. “Don’t leave,” I begged. I couldn’t let him go anywhere. I couldn’t go back to dreaming like that again every night, I didn’t want to be without him.

“Anna, let go,” he whispered, reaching up and unclasping my hands from his neck.

Rejection made my eyes sting as I clenched my teeth together and dropped my eyes to the floor. As he stood up, I realised that this was entirely my fault. He was leaving because I’d pushed him away by not trusting him. I’d pushed him out of my life, and I was now going to have to deal with the consequences of that.

Instead of leaving though, he bent down and slipped his arms around me, lifting me easily off the floor and holding me tightly against his body. I looked up at his face, shocked as he pushed the bathroom door open and carried me over to the bed.

Wordlessly, he laid me down and curled around me protectively. Not daring to hope that this meant what I thought it meant, I burst into another round of sobs and scooted closer to him, burying my face into his chest.

“I’m so sorry, Ashton. Please don’t leave, please?” I begged, clutching him tightly.

He stroked my hair. “I’m not leaving,” he murmured, kissing the top of my head. My heart skipped a beat at his words, and I pulled back to look at his face to check if he was just saying that to calm me down. “I’m not leaving,” he insisted, kissing my forehead and cheeks.

“Really?” I whimpered. He nodded in confirmation as he bent and kissed my forehead. I closed my eyes, and a small smile twitched at the corners of my mouth as his words sank in. “I’m sorry,” I croaked.

“I know. It’s alright. Just go back to sleep. I’m staying right here, I promise.” His arms tightened around me as he rested his chin on top of my head. Closing my eyes, I pressed my face into his chest and let his smell waft over me. My heart seemed to slow down as the dread and loneliness slowly receded. As his hand stroked my back softly, I realised that I actually loved Ashton’s smell.

Chapter Eighteen

I woke in the morning trapped underneath him. I was on my back, and he was lying on me, his head on my chest, his arms either side of my body and his bottom half between my legs. He was heavy, but, in a weird way, it was actually a pleasant weight. A quick glance at the clock told me it was only six thirty; I could let him sleep for another thirty minutes. I wrapped my arms around him and ran my fingers through his messy, black hair.

Shame washed over me because I’d doubted him at the gym by thinking that he’d hit me. I should have known better and had more faith in him. My eyes raked over his handsome face and I felt the frown slip onto my face. I was so attached to him already; I really shouldn’t have let this guy past my defences. It scared the life out of me that I needed him. I deliberately pushed everyone away so that I would never have to feel loss again, but I’d felt it last night. I had known him just a week, yet I’d felt it when he’d walked off, and this dependency would only get worse.

After half an hour, the alarm buzzed so I quickly silenced it, but it was too late, he’d woken. His eyes fluttered open as he lifted his head, looking down at me.

“Hi,” I greeted sheepishly.

He smiled sadly “Hi, you okay?” he asked.

I winced, knowing that I’d probably never be able to take it back or make it better. He’d always know that I didn’t have faith in him when it mattered. “I’m really sorry, honestly, I’m so sorry, Ashton.”

He sighed and shifted on top of me, pulling himself higher so he was hovering above me. “I would never hurt you.” Sincerity dripped from every syllable as he looked directly into my eyes.

My heart throbbed painfully at the intensity of his look and the way he said the words. “I know. I don’t know what I was thinking. You were just so angry and then you grabbed me, and I just… I don’t know,” I swallowed, trying to keep the tears at bay again.

“Anna, no matter how angry I was, I would never do that. I promise you.” I nodded, unable to speak. “You thought I was gonna leave?” he asked, stroking my hair away from my face.