Fighting to Be Free (Fighting to Be Free 1)

When I was out I stared in disbelief at my reflection in the mirror. It was worse than I thought. My face was puffy and blotchy, my eyes were bloodshot, the corners of my mouth were turned down and no matter how hard I tried to force a smile I couldn’t get it to reach my eyes. My parents were going to know something was up. Even make-up hadn’t really done much to help but hopefully they’d be as gullible as Kelsey was and I could play it off as being sad to leave them all.

Breakfast was…. Awkward. My mom was indeed crying but pretending she had dust in her eye and that her allergies were playing up. My dad was watching me with a sad smile on his face. Luckily for me, gullibility must run in my family because they didn’t push my car-crash of a face issue too far once I told them my lie. I forced the food down, almost gagging on each mouthful because my stomach was tied in knots.

After breakfast I looked at the clock. It was only just before ten - had it really only been a couple of hours since he called? It felt like an age had passed that I was alone in my misery. I didn’t need to leave for the airport until twelve thirty so I still had a couple of hours to kill. I couldn’t sit around here though; it was driving me insane because each minute felt like an hour to pass. My mind flicked to Jamie again, I really needed to see him. He hadn’t called me back after I left that voicemail, I wasn’t expecting him to in total honesty, but the waiting and not knowing if he’d even listened to it was killing me slowly. I decided to go and see him, go to his place and pray that he was there and not with the girl that he claimed he was with. A small part of me was still holding onto the hope that he was making that up to try and hurt me or something. I guess I’d see for myself when I went to his place.

I made my excuses to my parents, telling them I had a couple of friends to say goodbye to before I left, and then made the short drive to his apartment. My hands were shaking the whole time, I was pretty lucky not to wreck on the way there because my mind definitely wasn’t on the road while I was driving.

By the time I got there I was a mess and my tears were falling again. I trudged up to his apartment with heavy legs and an even heavier heart. I wasn’t even sure if I was strong enough to look at him in case he told me right to my face that it was over. I didn’t want to see his beautiful face when he crushed me beyond repair. But I knew I had to do this and try and convince him not to give up on us. I raised my hand and knocked a couple of times. I had a key but I was pretty sure that using it right now would be crossing the line somehow. When he didn’t answer I put my head against the wood and closed my eyes.

Had he seriously stayed out last night with a girl?

My hand fumbled in my pocket, pulling out my keys and finding the one for his apartment. He’d given it to me a couple of weeks after he moved in and I started staying here a lot, I was pretty sure he wouldn’t appreciate me using it now though. But that didn’t stop me from slipping the key into the lock and pushing open his door.

I couldn’t breathe as I stepped through the threshold. Everything looked exactly the same as it did last night when I left here. I glanced towards the sofa, swallowing my sob when I thought about the intimate moments that we’d shared there last night. I would remember that forever. I could practically still feel his skin against mine, still hear our breaths tangling together as he made love to me. Everything had been so perfect last night, so tender and intimate, and now as I stood here alone, the memory of it was taunting me.

I tore my gaze away from the sofa and let my eyes roam his apartment; the place was bare as I expected it to be. I glanced around quickly, looking for signs of life. Maybe he was passed out in his bed or something after being out on the boost all night. I silently prayed that he was, instead of where the nagging feeling told me that he was. I crept towards his bedroom and peeked in. My hope faded when I saw that his bed was empty, still made and hadn’t been slept in. I’d come over here wanting to see for myself if he was lying to me or not about the girl, but now that I knew he didn’t spend the night here, I wished I didn’t know at all.

Pain made my whole body feel weak as I started to accept the fact that he’d cheated. The funny thing is though that it didn’t make me love him any less, I still wanted to be with him and work this out. Usually I despised girls like me when I watched them on TV or read about this kind of situation in a book. I’d always shook my head and wondered how they could be so weak to let a man treat them that way yet still come back for more - but now I knew why they did. The saying ‘love conquers all’ made perfect sense to me in that moment.

My breath came out in one big gust as I stepped into his room, almost tripping over his suitcase that was propped next to the door. His hoodie was tossed on the foot of his bed so I stooped and picked it up, pressing it to my face and taking in lungful’s of his delicious smell. A little moan left my lips because of how it made my insides tremble just by the smell of him alone. Wow, if he could see me now….

“Stop behaving like a stalker, Ellie,” I muttered to myself, throwing the hoodie back onto the bed.

“And now you’re talking to yourself, really, get a grip woman.” I shook my head at myself and turned on my heel, heading into his kitchen to find what I was looking for. When I had the pen and paper, I scribbled him a note.

Jamie,

Please come to the airport, we can just go for a couple of weeks. Please?

I love you and I’m sorry. Please can we start over?

Ellie xxx

I frowned as I looked down at the paper, there were so many things that I wanted to say to him, so many unspoken words that I didn’t know how to phrase properly. Hopefully he’d give me the chance to say them later on. I scribbled an extra kiss on the end before I headed back to his bedroom and balanced the note on top of his case so that he’d see it and hopefully grab his case and run out the door. I sighed deeply, praying it would happen just like that. I refused to fully accept this was over.