Suddenly Jack felt sick.
And unclean.
And like a dirty piece of shit for touching her.
He lowered his head, hands on his hips. “I … I’ve never not worn protection … until you.”
“I know. My tests came back clean.”
Jack wanted to get out of there. He wanted to get away from her and get very fucking drunk.
“I’m not saying this to hurt you.”
He scoffed, cutting her a dark look that made her flinch.
“Jack.” She took a step toward him. “I’m not. I … I’m just trying to be honest. I know you never promised me anything, and I don’t blame you. You’ve been honest from the start with me, if a little confusing in some of your actions. But I want to be with someone who doesn’t rush away in the morning after making love to me, leaving me a shitty little note.”
Indignation cut through him. “I admit the note was shitty and it wasn’t all I intended to say, but Becs had called and my mom was melting down. I had to get to her.”
Emery nodded. “I know. For the past—what—five years, you’ve put your family first. And that’s admirable. I’m not blaming you for that. What I’m telling you is that I want to be with a man who sees me as his family first. Who puts me first. That’s never been you, Jack.”
As much as her words killed him, Jack couldn’t argue.
He’d done that.
He’d put his family first before all things.
Including Cooper. Including her.
A choking feeling wrapped around his throat.
He’d failed her.
“I’m not willing to give up on the idea of finding the right person because we got pregnant. I’m happy for you to be as big a part of our child’s life as you want to be … but it won’t be as a family.” Her eyes gleamed with sadness. “It’ll be with a shared custody agreement.”
Shared custody?
Meaning dropping off his kid to the woman he loved after only seeing that kid every other weekend? Watching Em raise his kid with whatever lucky bastard she deemed right for her?
No.
No!
His life was a piece of shit because of his father. He was thirty-eight years old and having to build a new life for himself, start over, and Emery Saunders was the one thing he wanted in his life more than anything.
Had he made mistakes with her? Oh, hell yeah, he had.
Yet Jack couldn’t give up.
They hadn’t even gone on a date but Jack knew that she was his and he was hers, and he felt that deep in his fucking soul.
It had eaten at him for years not being with her.
“I …” He swallowed through the choking sensation. “I’ve been pretty messed up in the head for the last five years. I said and did things that I regret. I … I’m trying to make amends, Em.”
“I know.” Her expression softened. “And you should … I want that for you. You have no idea how happy I am to see you and Cooper trying to rebuild your friendship. I want that for you, Jack. I just …” Her hand rested on her belly. “I have someone else to think about now. I have to lead by example. For years, I’ve accepted the very little that I was given by the people who were supposed to love me. I don’t want my child to think that’s okay.” Her voice cracked and she looked away but not before he caught the heartrending sight of tears in her eyes. He wanted to go to her. He wanted to hold her. Forever. “I … I don’t want my kid to think it’s okay to accept the least that people are willing to give. I want my kid to know they deserve to be loved unconditionally. I can’t just say it. I have to show it and live by example.”
Jack didn’t know how to tell her that giving him a shot would be living by example.
He didn’t know how to tell her that he would marry her in a heartbeat because he was so sure he’d never want anyone else for the rest of his life.
He didn’t know how to tell her that her pain was his pain, and that he’d do anything to take it away. That he hated whoever had hurt her before he’d even walked into her life.
He didn’t have those words.
Bailey had suggested he write a letter.
But Jack realized that even if he did, Emery wasn’t in a place to believe him.
Yeah, he knew his girl was a romantic, but there was something deeper here. He knew it went back to her family. To something that happened to her as a kid. Maybe even with a boy. Em hadn’t been a virgin when they’d slept together. Someone else might have broken her heart before he ever unintentionally broke it too.
No. For the first time in her life, his romantic Emery didn’t need words.