I remember my mom scolding me for having pre-marital sex and I have to scoff every time I think about it. I think how ironic it was that I got pregnant on my first time having sex. And the sad part is that it wasn’t even good sex, at all.
The memory makes me shudder and feel all icky. I’m so glad I’m in the bathtub right now. I sigh and shake my head. I can’t believe I ever hooked up with that guy. I mean, I’m happy that I have Maxim, but that guy was a total loser.
And to think I lost my virginity to him. I was so humiliated when he wanted nothing to do with me after that. That’s the reason why I didn’t even bother to tell him I was pregnant, and because I knew he’d be a dick about it.
I was so right about that. Eventually, word got around to him because my parents told his parents after they found out. This led to a whole mess, because predictably, he denied having sex with me. Because of that, his parents demanded a paternity test. They are dicks just like him.
Seeing how they reacted, it’s only natural that I didn’t want him or them in the baby’s life so I didn’t tell anyone where I had moved to and hope to never see any one of them ever again.
I sigh and lean back in the water. This is too depressing. I switch gears and start to wonder what life could have been like. If I could have lost my virginity to anyone, it would have been someone totally different. No little high school boys for me.
My hand slips under the water as I fantasize about the kind of guy I wish I could have lost my virginity to. I have always been attracted to older men. I would want him to be handsome, and very experienced. It’s important that he be able to take good care of emotionally and physically.
The soapy water helps my fingers slide in and out of my pussy. I play with myself as I imagine my dream hunk there in the bathroom with me. I rub my clit as I imagine him taking off his clothes to get into the water with me.
He looks at me like he has been waiting for me all day. I stroke my fingers faster as I imagine him pulling me onto his lap.
I’m almost there. I pretend that he’s sliding into me. My fingers are his cock now, as they move back inside my pussy hole. He would feel so good, thrusting in and out of me while we’re in the water. He would hold me tight, like he’s never going to let go.
I cum in the bathwater as I imagine us crying out each other’s names. I wonder what it would feel like to have him kiss me all over. To know what love, or even a gentle caress, feels like. It certainly wasn’t anything like I imagined back in high school.
I lay back in the tub again. This time I’m dizzy and a little more calm now that I had my daydream time. I feel much more at peace with everything that has happened. I take a deep breath and reach for the shampoo when I hear my son crying.
I know that my relaxing time is over and that it is time to return to real life. I splash the soapy water all over me, then hurry to get out. I know that Aunt Barbara will check him first, so I have a few minutes to dress before he needs me.
Maxim is my priority, after all. I take a deep breath and then feel an overwhelming sadness. All the calm and peace I felt a little while ago seem to have disappeared.
I don’t know what’s wrong with me these days. I don’t feel like anyone or anything is a burden to me in any way; in fact, it’s more that I worry that I’m a burden on other people. My poor Aunt Barbara – having to help raise another baby all over again, even though she says she likes to do it. And my Uncle Bob – he’s been an asshole lately, but he was nice to lend me the money, and I did think I’d have more to repay him with by now.
But it’s not even any of that that’s really weighing on me, although I can’t put a finger on what is. I guess I just wish that was more to life. Lately it seems like it has become so difficult to get through. I wish there was some way for things to seem easier.
I scoff at that thought, telling myself to grow the fuck up – that life isn’t all fun and games, especially not after one has kids, as my mom never hesitated to remind me. I hurriedly pull on my pajamas and go racing out of the bathroom as I hear my son cry again.