I stayed up all night thinking about what Vic had told me the previous morning. The entire day we hadn’t said a word to each other. Now, in the darkness, I lied in bed staring at the ceiling, my mind churning. It was four in the morning, Vic was next to me. I don’t know if he was asleep, but at that point I didn’t care. Questions swirled in my chest, burning me from the inside and demanding to be answered.
“Was there ever any threat?” I whispered. When he didn’t respond I turned on my side to face his dark profile and practically screamed. “Was there?”
His cool, calm voice drifted in to the dark air. “No.”
I felt like such an idiot. Worse than that, I felt guilty. Guilty for letting myself believe the lie because I wanted to believe the lie. Anything to be closer to him.
Closing my eyes tight, I looked away from him. His eyes had mesmerized me from the start but I wouldn’t be hypnotized now.
“Lennox listen to me.” Vic reached for me but I snapped my arm away.
My voice was barely above a whisper when I responded. “I wanted to believe that we were more than just secrets and lies.”
“Lennox, listen to me. We are!”
“Are we?” I popped my eyes open, immediately assaulted by Vic’s face in mine. I shoved him out of the way. “What is this? What has this been but just fucked up trickery from the beginning? I know nothing about you. Nothing.”
Vic stood on his knees. In the darkness I could see the outline of him. I wanted to hate him. I wanted to revile him. The grooves that made his perfect, chiseled body should have disgusted me. The inky black hair that mated with the shadows should have made me squirm.
All I felt was longing.
Vic reached for me and pulled me up by my shoulders. “You know everything. You have my soul inside you.”
“Tell me everything, then,” I demanded. “Tell me what you do. Tell me who you work for. Tell me everything!”
Vic dropped his hold on me. “I can’t.”
“What do you mean you can’t?”
He looked away. “It’s not that simple.”
“Then make it simple.” Vic still wouldn’t look at me. Why was it then that I wanted his eyes so much? I resented his stare, I loathed the control he had over me. Yet he hid his gaze from me and at the very moment I needed it most. I needed to know what he was thinking. “Explain everything. Explain how you fixed Dean. Explain Zoe. Explain it, dammit!”
“I fucking can’t, Lennox!”
I jumped off the bed, refusing to hear anymore. I was done with secrets. I was done with lies. I wanted something real. My bare feet padded against the cool hardwood floor as I ran down the stairs. Only hours ago his wife, his fucking handler—his fucking whatever—had been here.
I still didn’t fully understand that and he refused to explain. I’d put up with a lot but I shouldn’t have to put up with this.
“Lennox wait!” Vic’s voice rang out above me.
“I’m not staying another minute here!” I ran toward the door but Vic was on me before I could reach it. He pulled me in to the kitchen. Hot tears threatened to escape but I held them back. No more tears.
Vic grabbed me and held me to him. “What does it say about me that I stay with you?” I yelled against his chest
Tears brimmed on his lids for the first time ever since knowing him. He thrust his palm against my chest. “It says you know me. That’s all you need to know.”
Four hours later the sun had come up but the shadows still remained. I felt sluggish. Like I’d spent the night drinking or been sick. In reality it had been a rather easy day, physically that is. Emotionally this was the worst day of my life. Worse than finding my mother hanging from the ceiling. Worse than when I tried to off myself.
Talking to Vic was like being stuck in a roundabout on the way to the hospital. We know where we need to go. We know that if we don’t get there we’re going to die. But we just keep spinning and spinning and spinning.
We’d moved from the bedroom to the living room. Sun shone brightly through the large glass windows. The marine layer had dissipated and I could see the blue sky clearly and further beyond I saw the ocean. It was a beautiful day. I bet the sand felt warm.
I can’t believe I still haven’t gone to the beach.
“Do you want to order food?”
Vic was sitting on the chair opposite the couch. He looked just as tired and beat as I felt. His hair was pulled back in a messy bun and purple bags formed under his normally flawless eyes. I had a thought then that we were killing each other. That I should leave out the door and never look back before we completely destroy one another.