But I couldn’t. So I pressed.
“What resources did you use?”
Vic frowned, not expecting my question. “What?”
I ran a hand through my hair before continuing. It was greasy. When was the last time I showered?
“I heard Alice say you used company resources to, and I quote, ‘help the girl you were fucking.’”
Vic stretched out, cracking his knuckles in front of his face. “Lenny…”
“Can you not just tell me one thing?” I hated how weak I sounded, pleading with him to tell me. I was so sick of the lies and secrets. We’d been playing house with one another, but our house had been slowly burning the entire time. Now we were standing in the ashes but Vic refused to acknowledge it. He still wanted to play house in the charred remains.
I just couldn’t do it.
“When you came to me for help when Dean was terrorizing you I called for backup. Disposing Dean”—I grimaced at his choice of words—“wasn’t an easy job. Neither was taking him down. For a civilian, the guy was prepared. That’s all I can say, Lenny.”
“What about Bethany?”
“What about her?” Vic parroted.
I chewed the inside of my cheek. Bethany was still a big question in my head. Had she been the reason Dean found me? She never seemed to like me and the Regal nonsense never added up. Vic stared at me nonplussed, waiting for me to give him more information. I glared at his blank expression. I know better now than to assume that just because he acts like he doesn’t know anything means he knows nothing.
“Don’t play dumb with me,” I snarled. “Did Bethany tell Dean where I was?”
Vic looked truly, genuinely shocked. Or maybe he was just pretending to be shocked. I looked away, refusing to let him influence my thoughts and emotions.
“Dean always knew where you were,” Vic said. “He’d been following you from the minute you purchased your bus ticket. We found copies of your pay stubs and pictures of you with Zoe and Lissie among his personal things.”
Vic’s words cut me deeper than expected. I thought these past months had given me an impenetrable, thick shell but with just that revelation I was floored.
I would have preferred Bethany betrayed me. It would have provided some kind of purpose to the past few months. The knowledge that Dean always knew where I was and that all the terror and constant hiding had been for naught made me feel so… severed.
“I left my job for nothing,” I mused, looking at my hands. They seemed pruned even though I hadn’t been in any water. I lifted my gaze to see Vic eyeing me with curiosity. I explained, “Dean told me Bethany was his sister.” I returned my gaze to my palms. I can’t believe I fell for Dean’s crazy. At the time it had seemed so plausible.
Is that what’s happening with Vic?
Years from now would I look back on this and wonder what I was thinking?
If I even made it years from now. This conversation might kill me.
“If it makes you feel better Simply Santa Barbara is only a few months away from bankruptcy,” Vic murmured. His voice was an amalgam of soothing and defeated. I opened my mouth to ask Vic how he could know such a thing, but stopped before my lips parted. Vic wouldn’t tell me, anyway.
Simply Santa going bankrupt would certainly explain Bethany’s bizarre behavior. It made more sense than her conspiring with Dean.
I’d been so quick to believe Dean. So quick to drown myself in his delusions.
I looked back to the spotless, Carolina blue sky. “Let’s get pizza.”
It was almost eleven at night. All the pizza had been eaten. And none of my questions had been answered. Not really.
I felt like I’d cried a lot, but I hadn’t. I hadn’t really cried at all. After the pizza came we sat in a pregnant silence, neither one of us willing to burst the bubble first. It might look odd to walk in on us, two people sitting in complete silence, not moving much, for hours, only the moon as our light. But you know why, and because you know why, it isn’t odd at all.
I watched the sun set from my place on the couch, not really thinking much about it. I couldn’t think anymore. Thinking led to emotions and emotions led to pain. I couldn’t handle anymore pain, so I made myself numb.
Vic broke the silence first. His voice sounding haunted and tired. “Promise me you’ll stay, Lenny.”
I craned my head slightly to look at him. His hair was out of the bun and sticking to his face. There was no pretense to his expression. For the first time in our relationship I thought I might actually be looking at Vic, the real Vic. Not the one engulfed by secrets.