Another thing I would have to focus on, who would rely solely on me.
Fuck.
As I drove along the coast, I let my mind wander to the future. Would it be a boy, or a girl? Little blue boots or little pink ones—which Lenny would put on the gender you wouldn’t expect. If we had a boy, she wouldn’t mind him wearing dresses. If we had a girl, she’d make sure that little girl grew up empowered. It would be nothing like the homes we’d grown up in.
“Romeo!” I shouted.
“Ophelia!” she said.
I turned into our driveway, powered off the car, and walked up the steps to our house. A boy, a girl, or would it be nothing? That was also a possibility, and probably the best one. I was technically dead, and technically dead people shouldn’t be raising children.
Lenny, however, had been doing phenomenally. She was taking her meds, but more than that, she was trying. She’d found a therapist she liked, listened to what the woman had to say, and went to group therapy. Also, every week she continued to drive out to some bumfuck city in central California to get meds for that kid I’d scared half to death.
She could do it. She could really be a mom.
If you push this, you might lose her forever this time.
I paused just in front of the door. Lenny had been teaching me not to keep boxes in my head and to get shit out in the open. If I got this out, though, I might lose her. Fucking paradox is what that is. While I was outside the door, wondering what the fuck I was going to do and how I was going to take Grace’s advice, I heard a scream.
“Lenny?” I ran into the house, not bothering to shut the door behind me. There was no reply. “Lennox!” I took the stairs three at a time until I was in the bedroom. Lenny was naked, staring at herself. I blinked three times before going through the routine. I pulled down the drapes, I kicked over the mattress, but I couldn’t find anything.
“What?” I said, surveying the room, gun out. “What the fuck is going on? Are you all right?”
“I’m fine,” she said, waving me off. “Except that none of my fucking clothes fit me any more.”
“Are you kidding?” I said, stepping away from the window. “That’s why you screamed?” Fuck. I was never going to get used to her. Before I met Lenny I could examine a situation heart rate steady, breathing calm, with my gun cocked like it was just another appendage. Any goddamn time I heard Lenny scream like that, it was like she short-circuited my wiring.
I trailed my eyes down her naked body once more to be sure she was fine and then holstered my weapon. Taking a deep, soothing breath, I leaned against the wall. The bedroom was a disaster now, but I could see by the clothes scattered around Lenny and over the lamps, I’d only sped up the process she’d started.
“You’d be pissed too if you were gaining weight for no goddamn reason.” Lenny took a pair of jeans and threw them at the mirror. “What the fuck is happening to me?” I ran fingers through my hair, not sure what to say. Once again I got the feeling that I was in a minefield. “I guess I’m going to have to start portioning my food. I’ll need to cut out carbs or something. Or just drink juice for a year. Fuck.”
I stared at her, a blank expression on my face. Was she fucking serious? Was she really so distrusting of me that she was going to pretend the reason she was gaining weight was food related?
“Whatever, Lenny.” Putting a finger to my temple and kicking off the wall, I stepped over the various clothes now completely smothering the floor.
If you push this, you might lose her forever this time.
I was nearly in the hall when Grace’s words echoed in my head. I needed to make a space in which she felt comfortable enough to share. Leaving her alone wasn’t gonna cut it. I turned back to the room expecting a firefight, but Lenny was sitting on the frame of the bed, tears in her eyes.
“Lenny?” Gingerly, I stepped back into the room.
“I just don’t understand what’s happening…” She put her head in her hands. “I feel like shit. I’m tired all the time and I’m gaining weight. Is that cancer? Does cancer do that to you? I thought cancer made you lose weight. Isn’t that, like, its only benefit?”
I sat down beside her and said the first thing that came to my head. “You’re beautiful, Lennox.”
“You have to say that,” she muttered through her fingers.
“I absolutely do not have to say that. If you were ugly, I would tell you.”
“You’re an ass, but I trust you.” Lennox laughed. Some of the tension she was holding released, and she relaxed her head onto my shoulder. I held her there, not counting the time. Still, I wondered. When would she really trust me?
I ripped the test out of her hand and she stumbled back to the center of the bathroom.
“Why do you have a positive pregnancy test?” Lenny yelled, undeterred. “And tucked away in the toothpaste drawer no less!” She gestured to the agape drawer.
“Are you serious?” I honestly couldn’t fathom what was happening. I’d gone over the scenarios in my head, imagining how it would happen. Worst case I was screaming, smashing things, and cursing her for not telling me sooner. In the best we came together peacefully.
Never did I imagine this, a scenario where she was mad at me for having found out.