“I guess you’ll want to be sleepin’ in Mama’s room,” Eli said, shifting on the balls of his feet. It seemed so silly that we’d sleep in separate rooms after the night we’d had. Silly, but then again it was also so easy to make that assumption. Eli and I had never slept together. Even after making love, sleeping together appeared to be an even bigger step. How far did we want to go?
I nodded, unsure if Eli was ready to take another big step. I wasn’t sure myself. Eli grasped my hand and led me down to his mama’s room. As we walked down the dimly lit hallway, the prospect of sleeping alone really began to hit me.
I would be alone. Without Eli. After everything. It suddenly seemed like the worst thing in the world to be alone. I needed him holding me. I needed him near.
“I don’t want to sleep in your mama’s bed,” I whispered as we neared her door.
“Thank god.” Eli grabbed my arm and spun me into his chest. He kissed me hard on the mouth and then pulled back. “Get your butt in my bed!” I laughed as Eli lightly slapped me on the bum, ushering me back to his room.
I snuggled into Eli’s bed, the smell of him all over his blankets acting like anesthesia. Eli sidled up beside me, pulling me into his chest. I had a thought then, snuggled against the love of my life, surrounded by him in every way: I was wholly happy and everything was perfect.
A line formed behind Eli, but I couldn’t stop staring at him. It was like seeing the dead come to life. Neither of us had spoken a word for a good minute. He was different, but still my Eli. His hair was cut closer to his head, less than a millimeter of black hair shaved close to his skull. He’d grown a beard, too. A thin mustache outlined his beautiful, full lips and a slightly thicker beard outlined his chin, accentuating his jawline.
He looked so grown up.
Gripping the counter for support, I finally asked, “How did you find me?”
“Mrs. Nelson died,” he said in lieu of an answer, voice cold. His jaw was hard, as if he were grinding his teeth. Though his eyes were fixated on me, it was like he was looking beyo
nd me. His hazel eyes were unfocused and not catching my gaze. I wondered why he’d even bothered coming when he was so clearly upset with me.
“You came all the way to California to tell me that? Why…” I shook my head, not wanting to open that can of worms. Eli was there, like a vision from one of my dreams. Anything he said would shatter that vision into reality. If I kept my mouth shut, I could keep us in fantasy for a little while longer.
“Is everything all right?” Marci came out from the back. Maybe she’d heard my gasp, maybe she’d seen the line forming behind Eli, I didn’t know. All I could think about was Eli, standing in front of me, in the flesh. He wasn’t a memory, he wasn’t a dream, he was real.
“I…” I stuttered, still staring at Eli.
“There’s been a death in the family.” Eli didn’t even look at Marci when he responded for me. His hazel eyes were trained on mine, unflinching in their severity. I felt like he was trying to steal my composure.
“Oh no.” Marci’s voice took on a sympathetic affection. She came up behind me and undid my apron. “Go home dear. I’ll let you off for the week. Let me know if you’re ready to come back next week.”
I nodded, only partially processing what Marci was saying to me as I stepped out from behind the front counter. I could feel Marci and all the customers’ eyes on me as Eli led me outside the store. Their faces were contorted in pity and concern for me, the barista who had just lost someone close to them.
I hadn’t, though; I had just gained someone.
Mrs. Nelson had been very close to me, but I’d said my goodbyes to her when I left. She’d been in a coma; her death wasn’t a surprise to me. It was sad, but it was good news; good news because it meant Mrs. Nelson got to move on past the hospital bed that had imprisoned her for months.
It wasn’t Mrs. Nelson’s death that was causing the build up of breath in my body. It wasn’t Mrs. Nelson’s death that was causing the world around me to shrink and collapse as I walked out of the shop into the bright noonday sun. It was Eli. It had been months since Eli and I had broken up, but I still felt that breakup like a gunshot wound to the chest.
Now he was there, in the flesh, and his presence was pulling the bullet out of me slowly.
Eli still had his red truck. Sitting inside it felt like laying in an open grave.
“Do you have someplace we can go?” Eli asked when he opened the car door for me, still not looking me in the eye. I was so close to running away, but instead I hopped in and let him slam the door, locking me inside.
Eli got into the driver’s side, put the key in the ignition, and started the truck, the way he’d done so many times before when we were together, before everything got ruined. Except this time we were in California, not Georgia, and this time he wasn’t looking at me. This time there was an invisible wall separating us.
“Where am I going?” Eli asked, eyes straight ahead on the road.
“How are you here?” I asked. I wanted to ask: why are you here?
“I guess I’ll just keep driving straight until I meet the ocean,” Eli grumbled.
Was he mad at me? How could he possibly be mad at me? He was the one who’d shown up out of the blue, expecting me to drop everything.
“Fine.” I folded my arms. “Do a u-turn and then turn right.”
Eli did as he was told in silence. We didn’t say another word to each other until I had to give him directions. The entire drive was a nightmare. In the dreams I’d had of our reunion, we came together with happiness and love. It was never like this, awkward and bitter. I couldn’t help but wonder why he’d shown up. He clearly didn’t care about me any more.